A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that Hollywood actress, Gwyneth Paltrow, kicked him in the buttocks outside The Lord Rodney’s Head public house in Whitechapel Road last Tuesday following a lunchtime drinking session.
Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Vallance Road, told us: ‘I’d just come out of the pub and was about to cross the road to the kebab shop to get my lunch when somebody kicked me hard up the arse.
‘I spun round and saw that it was none other than Gwyneth Paltrow.
‘I was shocked and told her to leave it out, but she just laughed and told me to sue her if I didn’t like it, so that’s what I’m going to do. Hopefully, I’ll get quite a few quid out of it.’
Mr Dell then explained that since the incident, his bowel movements have been painful and that his wife has accused him of visiting a dominatrix prostitute after spotting the bruising on his buttocks.
This incident comes just a fortnight after a woman from neighbouring Bow filed a lawsuit against Tom Hanks after claiming that the Forrest Gump star repeatedly headbutted her and then kicked her between her legs as she walked her dog in Mile End Park.
Artist’s impression of what The Queen probably looks like with no togs on
American first lady, Michelle Obama, last night made the surprising claim that Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, has wooden buttocks and that her vagina has been sewn shut.
Mrs. Obama, 85, told The Whelk: “I made the discovery last year when Barak and I were staying at Buckingham Palace during an official visit. I woke in the night needing the ladies room and went into the corridor to find the bog. I went through the nearest door and saw The Queen bending over the bed tucking in the sheets. She was naked and it was clear that she had a wooden arse. It was pretty shiny and you could see the pattern of the grain. It looked like pine or walnut to me.
“She must have heard me come in because she turned round to face me. It was then that I noticed that she had no minge. She looked like Barbie or Action Man down there, although you could see a small scar where they’d sewn her fanny lips together.
“I could see she was pretty embarrassed, so I wished her goodnight and went back out to look for somewhere to have a piss. It was an evening I won’t forget in a hurry and no error”
A Palace spokesman last night confirmed Mrs Obama’s claim: “It’s true that The Queen has a wooden arse and no growler. The royal surgeon removed them at birth so she wouldn’t have the inconvenience of having to have a crap or a whizz. We left her tits alone though so that Prince Philip would be able to play with them after a night down the pub”
This latest revelation comes just weeks after ex-Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, revealed that the late Margaret Thatcher had an aluminium clitoris.
An artist’s impression of how the face of Jesus probably looked on the apprentice mechanic’s arse.
A mechanic from East London claims to have seen the face of Christ on the buttocks of his 17-year-old apprentice after a bizarre workplace incident left the youngster naked in the workshop last week.
Steven Dee, 32, from Shoreditch, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “It was a day just like any other to be honest. I was sitting on my toolbox reading The Sporting Life when I spotted my apprentice dozing in a chair in the MOT bay. Not wanting the boy to get into any bother with the guvnor, I decided to set fire to the bottom of his overalls with a cutting torch to liven the kid up a bit.
“Naturally, I wasn’t to know that he’d spilled brake cleaner on them a bit earlier, so I was a bit taken aback when the kid went up like a roman candle. He started tearing them off, screaming and yelling something cruel. I thought it was a bit girly of him to be completely fair with you, but I hosed the kid down with an extinguisher just to be on the safe side.
“It was when he turned round to let me do his back that I saw the face of Jesus clearly portrayed on his left buttock. It was definitely him, there was no doubt about it; you could even see the crown of thorns round his head with bits of blood on it. It pulled me up a bit lively and no error. I asked the kid if he knew he had The Messiah on his arse but he was too busy crying and peeling off bits of burnt skin to reply”.
“After he’d been taken to hospital I mentioned it to some of the other lads during tea break and one of them said he’d also seen Jesus on the boys arse in the shower, but didn’t mention it to him in case he started getting ideas above his station and stopped going over the road for our pies and that”.
When told about the strange phenomena, a spokesman for The Church Of England said: “Although we get a number of people claiming to have seen divine imagery, such as The Virgin Mary or The Nativity, portrayed on inanimate objects like potatoes, wardrobe doors and suchlike, this is the first time an incident like this has been brought to our attention. I mean to say you don’t expect it really do you?”
It is understood, that once the boy – whose identity is being kept secret to protect him from curious members of the public – has been discharged from hospital, he will be sent to The Vatican to undergo a series of tests. These will include carbon dating to establish the authenticity and age of the imprint – a bit like they did with The Turin Shroud.
Back at the garage where he works, the general manager, Peter Dollis, 59, said. “It’s absolutely amazing to learn that a staff member has the likeness of The Son Of God on his bottom. Hopefully, it will be a bit of a boost for business as it’s been a little slow of late. It could turn out to be an absolute Godsend to be perfectly honest with you”
The boy is believed to be recovering well in hospital where he’s been undergoing treatment for burns and post-traumatic stress and is expected back at work on Monday or else.
The Whitechapel Whelk 
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