Artist’s impression of what The Queen probably looks like with no togs on


American first lady, Michelle Obama, last night made the surprising claim that Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, has wooden buttocks and that her vagina has been sewn shut.

Mrs. Obama, 85, told The Whelk: “I made the discovery last year when Barak and I were staying at Buckingham Palace during an official visit. I woke in the night needing the ladies room and went into the corridor to find the bog. I went through the nearest door and saw The Queen bending over the bed tucking in the sheets. She was naked and it was clear that she had a wooden arse. It was pretty shiny and you could see the pattern of the grain. It looked like pine or walnut to me.

“She must have heard me come in because she turned round to face me. It was then that I noticed that she had no minge. She looked like Barbie or Action Man down there, although you could see a small scar where they’d sewn her fanny lips together.

“I could see she was pretty embarrassed, so I wished her goodnight and went back out to look for somewhere to have a piss. It was an evening I won’t forget in a hurry and no error”

A Palace spokesman last night confirmed Mrs Obama’s claim: “It’s true that The Queen has a wooden arse and no growler. The royal surgeon removed them at birth so she wouldn’t have the inconvenience of having to have a crap or a whizz. We left her tits alone though so that Prince Philip would be able to play with them after a night down the pub”

This latest revelation comes just weeks after ex-Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, revealed thatย  the late Margaret Thatcher had an aluminium clitoris.