The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888


bad weather

‘F**k this’ thinks snow-deprived London child scooping up handful of mud and slush

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A London child pictured yesterday with an unused snow measuring stick and crudely-fashioned slush cat

A 9-year-old East London boy cursed bitterly yesterday as the promised heavy snowfall in the London area failed to materialise, forcing him to make a half-arsed snowball by despondently scooping up a handful of melting slush and mud from the grass verge outside his Whitechapel home.

The youngster was later heard to mutter, “northern cunts’ as he watched the news on TV and saw his counterparts in Yorkshire joyously sledging down steep hills in nearby streets and parks.


Thunder Bastard Snow-Dusting of Death to Batter London


People living in London have been warned to stay indoors today and not to make non-essential journeys, as what weathermen are calling, a thunder bastard snow-dusting of death looks set to smash into the capital this afternoon.

BBC forecaster, Bill Giles, issued a stark warning last night: “Everybody should remain indoors during the thunder bastard.

“To venture outside in a severe dusting of this magnitude would mean certain death. No question”

Weathermen have also advised people living in the Scottish Highlands to change from wearing a vest to a short-sleeved t-shirt this weekend where the mercury is set to dip to minus 48 Celsius accompanied by unprecedented heavy snowfalls lasting 3 months and with daily hurricane-force winds in excess of 300mph.



NEXT WEEK: ‘Monsoon’ Donny wraps his bone spur-stricken foot in a plastic bag to keep it dry during a brief spell of light drizzle at The Battle of The Somme

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