I’ll masturbate every UK man and woman that beats covid, vows Bake-Off’s Mary Berry

In a surprise announcement last night, Great British Bake-Off legend, Mary Berry, told newsmen, that in a bid to encourage covid-19 patients to recover in full, she will personally masturbate every British man and woman to completion if they beat the killer virus.

Speaking from outside her home in Surrey, Mary, 108, said: “If by offering a free hand shandy to people who have been laid low by this dreadful illness I am helping them on the road to recovery then it’s the least I can do.

“Although I might be past my prime in the hand relief arena, I’m still very strong in the wrists due to all the whisking and cake mixture-beating I do and feel more than able to ensure that every recovered patient blows his or her custard.

“In the event that I do get tired, I’ve invested in one of those Fleshlight artificial growler devices for the men and a Black Mamba Bully Boy Ribbed Arouser for the ladies”.

It is estimated, that if Mary does complete her task, she will expel roughly one thousand imperial gallons of spadge and almost double that amount in scalding fanny batter.

Reuters News Agency

Boris butchered and ate Number 10 cat says Downing Street insider

Minced Moggie? Larry pictured during happier times before he was killed and eaten by the PM

A senior civil servant and government advisor at the Cabinet Office last night told The Whelk that he believes that Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, killed the popular Downing Street cat, Larry, and later ate the creature in his bedroom during a ‘midnight feast’

Sir Tobias Dell CBE, told us: “The PM has never been a cat lover apparently, and I often used to catch him giving Larry the odd kick in the hallway whenever it came up to greet him after he’d arrived home.

“A few nights back, I heard a loud commotion coming from the kitchen area and upon entering, saw the PM holding a butcher’s cleaver.

“He was sweating profusely and had blood spatter on his shirt and tie.

“He looked pretty sheepish and muttered something about making himself a steak tartar sandwich before hurrying off up to his room.

“After he’d gone, I examined the chopping board and found tufts of what appeared to be cat fur and a number of whiskers.

“Since that evening, I have seen no sign of Larry, and I’m fairly certain that the Prime Minister ate the creature’s remains raw in his bedroom around midnight that night.”

This latest revelation evokes grim memories of the dietary antics of the late 18th century Prime Minister, William Pitt The Younger, who would often stalk squirrels in the garden at the rear of Downing Street where he would tear the hapless creatures apart with his bare hands and wolf them down behind the gardener’s tool shed, often washing them down with 5 or 6 quart bottles of Ind Coope Best Bitter.

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The Whitechapel Whelk would like to point out that we do not endorse the killing and consumption of heads of state of any country,

However, if the American public ever feel inclined to make a few thousand Trump Burgers at some point, then far be it from us to stand in the way of the will of the people – Ed

Phone engineer dreading smell of soup cooking on the stove at old lady’s house

 

Looks harmless enough, but is there a cauldron of evil-smelling broth bubbling away in the kitchen?

A 47-year-old telecommunications service engineer has told a the Whitechapel Whelk that his heart sank when he was told to repair a fault on the line of an elderly subscriber as he knew that he would be assailed by the smell of soup or stew simmering on the stovetop as soon as he entered the house

Toby Dell, a father of 4 from Whitechapel in East London, said: “As soon as the boss told me to check out this old girl’s line problem my heart sank like a stone.

“It’s bad enough when you have to listen to them droning on about their late husband or the war, but when you’ve got the stench of some kind of stew up your hooter the whole time it gets a bit much to bear.

“Some of these old dears must cook soup 24/7 every bloody day of the year.

“I’ve never yet attended a call-out to a woman over 60 that didn’t involve inhaling the stench of a stew of some description.

“I mean to say, what do they do with it for God’s sake?

“Don’t they ever bloody eat it?”

It is estimated that at any one time throughout the London area, over 4 million old ladies have a large saucepan containing soup or stew simmering on the stovetop. Some with butter beans and dumplings.

Local woman battered partner following basmati rice boasting incident court told

 

A perfectly cooked serving of basmati rice, similar to the one cooked by the victim, pictured earlier

 

A 49-year-old Whitechapel woman was given a 2-year suspended sentence at Bow Street Magistrates Court yesterday after pleading guilty to Assault Occasioning Actual Bodily Harm after the court heard that she had attacked her partner with a cast iron skillet after he’d boasted that his method of cooking basmati rice was far better than hers and that she was unwilling to change, what he had called, her tired and antiquated method.

Tracy Carter, a company director from Vallance Road, told the court that she had “snapped” when her partner, Toby Dell, 28, a commodities broker, made the remarks after he had cooked a delicious serving of rice in which every grain was fluffy and separate, unlike the homogenous, starchy stodge she would routinely come up with week in, week out.

Passing sentence, the magistrate told Ms Carter: “You are clearly a bad-tempered, violent, and intolerant individual who has absolutely no grasp of the concept of rinsing the rice thoroughly to get rid of the starch before cooking covered for 15 minutes, or until all the water has been absorbed.”

Last December, Ms Dell was bound over in the sum of £250 and ordered to keep the peace after stabbing Mr Dell in the buttocks with a carving fork after he’d advised her to cook the roast chicken on its side to keep the breast moist and succulent.

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues highlighted in this piece, we suggest you order an Indian takeaway in future as they always seem to get the rice spot-on every time – Ed

A Merry Vegan Xmas With Tracy Slaughterhouse-Gore

Season’s greetings everybody!

There’s nothing quite like sitting down to a delicious Christmas feast with dear friends and beloved family members is there? So I like to take extra care to ensure that everything is absolutely perfect on the big day.

People think that because my family and myself are strict vegans we can’t enjoy a delicious home-cooked feast at this most blessed time of year, but they couldn’t be more wrong.

Every year, bright and early on Christmas morning, I visit my local turkey farm where I insist on beating the bird of my choice to death with an iron bar.

The excitement of the chase and the bloody denouement as the creature finally succumbs to a repeated series of death-dealing blows really gets me in the festive mood.

Once I reach home, I get the leftovers from last year’s dinner out of the freezer and leave it to defrost slowly in the microwave on full power for 10 minutes.

The wonderful stench of rancid sprouts and burnt sage and onion stuffing balls soon begins to pervade the kitchen, filling us all with expectant Christmas cheer.

I then go to the pub with one of my fancy men while my husband and kids cook the turkey. I always give them strict instructions to text me as soon as it’s cooked so that I can get few more ales under my belt before setting off for home.

Finally, after a really good skinful, I pop into the kebab shop next door to the pub and pick up a large doner with chilli sauce to eat on the way home. The look on the little one’s faces as I stagger into the front room, with kebab juice running down my chin makes all that extra effort worthwhile.

When cooking the festive bird, some people like to use a meat thermometer to ensure that it’s cooked right through, but I just tell one of the kids to stick a skewer into the fleshiest part of the bird after about half an hour, and if plenty of blood spurts out it’s ready as far as I’m concerned.

For dessert, I always go for a traditional family favourite and get one of the kids to go down the local Paki shop on the corner for an out-of-date tiramisu, or something along those lines.

I like to serve this with lashings of rich, beef and pork fat gravy, along with some thick, uncooked slices of black pudding.

Then, of course, it’s time for The Queen’s Speech and the opening of the presents. I’ve asked my husband for a poleaxe this year which I’m looking forward to using on one of the ponies in the nearby children’s zoo on Christmas night

Then, all that remains is to drag the carcass home behind my Range Rover and butcher it in the garden in readiness for the raw meat buffet on Boxing Day.

Finally, have a wonderful, ethically-sound Christmas everybody, and remember my motto: “If it moves, kill and eat the bastard before it can get away”

A very Merry Xmas and a prosperous and Happy New Year from me, Tracy, and from all the Slaughterhouse-Gore clan!

Tracy Slaughterhouse-Gore is Chairperson of the Blood Lust and Raw Innards Society of Great Britain

WORLD NEWS UPDATE: Mugabe promises to cook macaroni cheese for anyone who votes for him

 

Cheese pleas: A dish of macaroni cheese similar to Mugabe’s “speciality” pictured last night

 

Beleaguered Zimbabwean president, Robert Mugabe, last night promised to cook macaroni cheese for anyone who casts a vote in his favour in any forthcoming election.

Speaking on national television wearing his dressing gown and slippers, Mugabe pledged to personally cook the dish – which he claims is his “speciality” – for anyone who endorses his bid to retain the presidency.

The surprise move by the 162-year-old leader was swiftly countered by his rival, Emmerson Mnangagwa, who told a rally of his supporters last night: “A vote for me is a vote for freedom and change for our great nation and would represent a turning point in our history.

“What is more, I will personally cook a full English breakfast for everyone who votes for me. And that will include hash browns and black pudding”

Political commentators last night slammed both men for putting their political ambitions above the nation’s cholesterol levels.

In other news, millions of Americans have pledged to cook a plate of hominy grits with black-eyed peas and red, sugar-cured ham for President Donald Trump if he resigns immediately and takes his family with him.

Reuters

BREAKING: Government urges people to make small talk during a nuclear strike.

The government yesterday issued new guidelines on how to react when under nuclear attack, advising people to make banal small talk during any future apocalyptic bombardment

In the official booklet: ‘The Nuclear Winter and You: A Handy Guide’, the government urges people to, “Have a chat with a friend or neighbour, broaching harmless topics such as gardening, light entertainment, crochet, or cookery

“By making small talk and discussing mundane, everyday matters, your mind will naturally turn to more pleasant fare until the moment comes when you are turned into a negative”

Meanwhile, in the United States of America, President Donald Trump responded positively to Britain’s initiative in a 2.00am tweet: ‘The great people of Britain are showing the world how to deal with uranium which can be a bad thing, believe me. These are tremendously great people, my friends. So great. Have I run out of characters ye…’

My Whitechapel Vegan Cookbook with Tracy Slaughterhouse-Gore

It’s September and the season of mellow fruitfulness is upon us. It’s that time of year when the first chill of impending winter rears its head and our thoughts turn to warming stews and piping hot desserts.

This week, however, I’m going to tackle a perennial vegan favourite that is enjoyed by all the family, whether around the bonfire on Guy Fawkes Night, or strolling through the town centre after a night out with friends.

I’m talking, of course, about the ethically sound and unfailingly delicious, hotdog .

For this tasty, and surprisingly nutritious, treat, I drive a nail into a 4-foot long piece of wood and go out after dark looking for an opportunity to despatch my quarry.

Having spotted a suitable dog – I find Yorkshire Terriers have the most flavour – I smash the creature over the head with my homemade cudgel before dragging it back to my house tied to the rear bumper of my car. The pounding the carcass gets on the journey home tenderises the meat and saves one from having to hang it for a day or two in the pantry

Next, I string it up by its tail on the washing line and roast the fur off using an oxy/acetylene cutting torch.

I then slice off chunks of the seared flesh and put them into buns before handing them round to my hungry family.

The look on the faces of the little ones as they tuck into the bloody treats with the gore running down their chins and over their clothes makes all the hard work and preparation worthwhile.

Bon appetito!

NEXT WEEK: Tracy buries a live amphibian in her back garden to make a delicious, vegetarian toad-in-the-hole