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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

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crime

Bat Can & Rob Tin: The Completely Ineffectual, Crime-Fighting Tins of Beans

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It was a sultry July afternoon and the heat in Mr Jalfrezi Patek’s Convenience Store in Whitechapel was oppressive.

Bat Can, and his youthful ward, Rob Tin, were on the top shelf of a tinned goods display unit towards the back of the shop.

They were tense and vigilant, conscious of the fact that there had recently been a number of armed raids in the small parade of shops in which they were resident.

Suddenly, and without warning, the shop door was flung open and two masked men entered, brandishing sawn-off shotguns.

They ordered a terrified Mr. Patak to lie on the ground and began filling two large holdalls with cans of fizzy drink, various fresh vegetables, and packets of crisps.

With every sinew as taut as piano wire, Bat Can knew that it was time for himself and his crime-busting sidekick to spring into action to thwart the lawless fiends.

Unfortunately, due to the fact that they were tins of bins, totally incapable of movement, they had to watch helplessly from their shelf as the raiders fled with their valuable booty.

Bat Can & Rob Tin are members of The Utterly Useless League of America.

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Man who woke with positive attitude had no idea he was going to be shot in the back

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A local man woke up yesterday, full of positivity and optimism about the day ahead, completely oblivious to the fact that an hour later he would be lying dead from gunshot wounds to the back.

According to his wife, Tracy, Toby Dell, 47, was in high spirits and full of joi de vivre right from the get-go

Mrs Dell, also 47, said last night: “As soon as he woke up, I could tell that he was in a good mood.

“He was singing at the top of his voice and dancing around the bedroom at 6.00 am.

“He was singing that song, ‘Wake Up Boo” over and over.

“It was quite ironic really because he did actually wake me

“And that was despite the fact that I’d only been in bed an hour after a night shift at the bakery”

Mrs Dell will be appearing before Horseferry Road magistrates tomorrow morning charged with murder and unlawful possession of a shotgun

Man with broom in supermarket trolley kills 9

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A brush with death.  A potential killer broom pictured yesterday

A Whitechapel man was held by police outside a local branch of Lidl yesterday afternoon after the new broom that he’d placed in his trolley killed nine of his fellow shoppers and partially blinded two.

Toby Dell, 43, from Cable Street, wreaked havoc in the store as he swung his trolley from aisle to aisle in a series of tight turns, causing the broom’s handle to strike the unfortunate shoppers on the head, resulting in their deaths from head trauma, while gouging the eyes from two more.

An eye witness told newsmen last night: “He seemed totally unaware that he was killing people and lined up to pay for his shopping as if nothing had happened.

“He even had a laugh and a joke with the guy on the till when he couldn’t remember his PIN number”

A spokesman for Lidl said last night: “This is most regrettable. We had a similar problem at our branch in Shoreditch the other week when a woman killed five people with a pair of long-handled garden shears that were sticking out of the front of her trolley.”

Dell will appear at Horseferry Road magistrates court tomorrow charged with manslaughter, reckless endangerment and parking in a disabled bay

Londoner suffers fatal stroke following northerner’s attempt to strike up conversation on bus

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A 45-year-old London man was killed instantly by a fatal stroke yesterday when a man from the north of England tried to begin a conversation just moments after sitting down next to the deceased man on a Number 24 bus from Pimlico to Hampstead Heath

Witnesses say the northerner seemed to target the lone male who was on his way to work in Charing Cross when the incident occurred.

A woman on board at the time told us: “He just sat down next to this poor man and began chatting.

“It was devasting to witness and it’ll be a long time before I can get the imagery of that northerner’s face out of my head

“He even seemed to be smiling while he did it, for God’s sake”

The attacker was overpowered by fellow passengers and handed over to police, who wrestled the man to the ground and handcuffed him before taking him to Ebury Bridge police station where he remains in police custody awaiting an appearance at Horseferry Road magistrates court on Monday morning, charged with affray, resisting arrest, manslaughter and overfamiliarity.

This latest incident comes just two weeks after a 50-year-old woman from Spitalfields in East London, died in the arms of fellow commuters when a man from Sheffield in South Yorkshire approached her on the platform of Shadwell tube station and reportedly said: “‘ow do missus. It’s turned out reet nice again ah see”

Editor’s Note: It’s a complete myth that Northerners are warm and friendly while Londoners are taciturn and rude. Now get out, the lot of you! GO ON! GET OUT!

Local woman’s hairy toe discovery led to murder

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A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman killed her partner in cold blood after discovering a small clump of dark hairs on her big toe, an Old Bailey jury was told yesterday.

Tracy Ree, a legal secretary from Dock Street, attacked her partner, Toby Dell, 27, a self-employed forklift truck mechanic, with an axe after making the discovery on the evening of June 16 last year.

Prosecuting counsel, Carter Shay QC, told the court that Ms Ree had complained to the deceased after spotting the hairs and that he’d made light of the issue, calling her, Big Foot, and, Hairy Mary.

The plaintiff then allegedly flew into a murderous rage and attacked Mr Dell with an axe, severing his head and one of his legs.

The court heard that Ms Ree then tried to dispose of his body by dismembering the corpse and boiling the body parts on the stove.

The cooked remains were then left out in the street for urban foxes and local stray dogs to consume.

However, police were alerted when a West Highland Terrier belonging to a neighbour came home with one of Mr Dell’s arms in its jaws.

The neighbour concerned immediately called the police after recognising one of Mr Dell’s tattoos.

The case continues

In other news, a 23-year-old woman from Cripplegate in East London was sentenced to a full life term yesterday after a court found her guilty of dissolving her husband in a vat of sulphuric acid after shooting him dead for laughing at her new hairdo.

New Whitechapel terror as ‘Jack The Parking Regulations Violator’ commits fresh atrocities

jack the ripper

The parking regulations-flouting fiend who has held Whitechapel in an icy grip of terror since early October has allegedly now struck twice in one night, according to police reports.

Detective Chief Inspector, Toby Dell, spoke to reporters outside Leman Street police station last night: “The man calling himself, Jack The Parking Regulations Violator, committed two further offences last night contrary to the Highways Act of 1965.

“At 23.15 he parked a yellow Honda CRV on a double yellow line in Vallance Road, and at 02.15 he left a Ford Mondeo in the bus lane in Commercial Street in Spitalfields.

“In both cases, the suspect fled the scene in a Hansom cab, which, according to witnesses, made a loud clattering sound on the cobbles before vanishing into the swirling fog.”

These two latest offences bring the fiend’s tally of flagrant parking regulations-flouting to six, in what locals are calling: ‘The Autumn of Traffic-Based Liberty-Taking Terror’

JUST IN

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More hastily cobbled together, desperately unamusing old guff in just a few moments

Dogwalker held after finding 12th body in a week

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Mr Dell’s dog pictured putting a brave face on it last night

 

An East London man has been arrested on suspicion of murder after he reported finding a twelfth dead body in a week while out walking his dog

Toby Dell, 35, an unmarried forklift truck driver from Whitechapel was yesterday remanded in custody at Horseferry Road magistrates court and will appear at The Old Bailey in December.

Dell, described by neighbours as a bit of a loner, reported finding found his 12th mutilated corpse in a week while walking his dog in Victoria Park in Bow at 3.00 am on Monday.

Police became suspicious when they noticed that his clothes and hands were bloodstained and that he had a meat cleaver stuffed into his waistband.

A police spokesman told a press conference: “We began to harbour suspicions after he reported finding 3 bodies in 24 hours while walking his dog on Hackney Marshes on July 20th, and, to be fair, we did take him in for questioning after he found his 10th body a few days later, but we released him without charge when he told us he was a Jehovah’s Witness and a Freemason.

“It was the bloodstained clothing, the concealed weapon, and the fact that he kept laughing maniacally when the duty sergeant was taking a statement that led to his subsequent arrest and charge.”

Specially trained officers and a forensic team are now searching Dell’s home in Vallance Road where they are also digging up his back garden assisted by his dog.

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evenin’ all

A great metropolis like London can often be a magnet for subversive activities and terrorism, and last Tuesday was no exception.

I was in the canteen with some of the other lads, topping up my tea with strong grog from a hip flask, when a shout came in that a suspect device had been spotted on a platform at Pimlico tube station in Westminster.

Realising that any delay could mean the loss of innocent lives, I downed the contents of my flask in one and climbed into a patrol car with a couple of the lads and sped to the scene.

On arrival, we were told that a bomb disposal team had already gone inside and we were told to set up a temporary cordon around the area.

Fortunately, The Gallery pub on the corner of Aylesford Street was open, so while the lads started taping off the area I went inside and drank heavily until I toppled off my barstool with shit and piss running down both my legs.

Evenin’ all

PC Ted is the vice-chairman of The Double Vision and Diarrhoea Appreciation Society.

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