Local man wakes from coma with ability to perform entire episode of Dixon of Dock Green

A 57-year-old Whitechapel man has emerged from a seven-year coma with the astonishing ability to perform, verbatim, an entire episode of the popular 1960s TV cop drama, Dixon of Dock Green.

Toby Dell, a former forklift truck driver who lapsed into a coma after a 200lb bale of raw cotton fell on his head at work in 2013, can now perform the entire show, playing each role, including the female parts, to perfection despite being too young to have ever seen it.

A spokesman for The Royal London Hospital told The Whelk: “Mr Dell came out of his coma three days ago. His first words were, ‘Evenin’ all’.

“He then went on to perform an entire episode of Dixon of Dock Green verbatim. He even produced a harmonica at the end and played the haunting theme tune.

“It was a wonderful moment and we all went down the pub to celebrate”

We called Mr Dell at his home in Leman Street last night. who told our reporter: “Evenin’ all. It was a foggy old evening in Dock Green that night. I was proceeding in a westerly direction on my usual beat when I spotted some villains breaking into a warehouse…”

He then ended the conversation, telling us that his son-in-law, Detective Inspector Andy Crawford, needed him to check out a report of a suspected break-in at a garage in Dock Lane.

Local woman battered husband for lacing new boots too loosely

A 24-year-old Whitechapel woman appeared in court yesterday charged with a serious assault on her husband after she noticed that he hadn’t laced up his boots tightly enough.

Tracy Dell, an accounts clerk, allegedly struck her husband, Toby, about the head with a piece of 4″ x 2″ timber causing him to lose consciousness in the street close to their home in Vallance Road.

After her arrest she told police that Mr Dell hadn’t laced his boots tightly enough, causing them to “flap around, making a racket”

Mr Dell, who had previously been savagely beaten in the street by his wife for tucking his shirt into his trousers in 2009, told a Whelk reporter outside Horseferry Road magistrates court, “I had it coming. I should have learned my lesson after the shirt business”

The case continues

Local man ejaculated during bout of extreme nose-blowing court told

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told magistrates that a stint of hard nose-blowing had been behind the fact that he had ejaculated onto the door of a crowded District Line tube train carriage in July this year.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Commercial Street, told the court that the sheer force of his nasal expulsions had triggered an involuntary orgasm and that he had no intention of committing an act of gross indecency.

“I was suffering from a heavy cold and just wanted to clear my nose because I was struggling to breathe,” he told Horseferry Road magistrates court.

“All of a sudden my trouser zip burst open and I inadvertently ejaculated on the door.

“It was purely an accident,” he said, “I wasn’t even aroused.”

Sentencing Dell to a 9-month prison sentence, suspended for one year, the magistrate, Terence Carter, told the defendant: “The court proposes leniency in this instance, but if you return to this court having shot your custard in public again you can expect a substantial custodial sentence to be imposed.”

Last August, a 23-year-old woman from Pimlico in West London was fined £150 for behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace after she had a series of shattering climaxes during a bout of coughing in the waiting room at her doctor’s surgery.

Bat Can & Rob Tin: The Completely Ineffectual, Crime-Fighting Tins of Beans

 

It was a sultry July afternoon and the heat in Mr Jalfrezi Patek’s Convenience Store in Whitechapel was oppressive.

Bat Can, and his youthful ward, Rob Tin, were on the top shelf of a tinned goods display unit towards the back of the shop.

They were tense and vigilant, conscious of the fact that there had recently been a number of armed raids in the small parade of shops in which they were resident.

Suddenly, and without warning, the shop door was flung open and two masked men entered, brandishing sawn-off shotguns.

They ordered a terrified Mr. Patak to lie on the ground and began filling two large holdalls with cans of fizzy drink, various fresh vegetables, and packets of crisps.

With every sinew as taut as piano wire, Bat Can knew that it was time for himself and his crime-busting sidekick to spring into action to thwart the lawless fiends.

Unfortunately, due to the fact that they were tins of bins, totally incapable of movement, they had to watch helplessly from their shelf as the raiders fled with their valuable booty.

Bat Can & Rob Tin are members of The Utterly Useless League of America.

Man with broom in supermarket trolley kills 9

A brush with death.  A potential killer broom pictured yesterday

A Whitechapel man was held by police outside a local branch of Lidl yesterday afternoon after the new broom that he’d placed in his trolley killed nine of his fellow shoppers and partially blinded two.

Toby Dell, 43, from Cable Street, wreaked havoc in the store as he swung his trolley from aisle to aisle in a series of tight turns, causing the broom’s handle to strike the unfortunate shoppers on the head, resulting in their deaths from head trauma, while gouging the eyes from two more.

An eye witness told newsmen last night: “He seemed totally unaware that he was killing people and lined up to pay for his shopping as if nothing had happened.

“He even had a laugh and a joke with the guy on the till when he couldn’t remember his PIN number”

A spokesman for Lidl said last night: “This is most regrettable. We had a similar problem at our branch in Shoreditch the other week when a woman killed five people with a pair of long-handled garden shears that were sticking out of the front of her trolley.”

Dell will appear at Horseferry Road magistrates court tomorrow charged with manslaughter, reckless endangerment and parking in a disabled bay

Londoner suffers fatal stroke following northerner’s attempt to strike up conversation on bus

A 45-year-old London man was killed instantly by a fatal stroke yesterday when a man from the north of England tried to begin a conversation just moments after sitting down next to the deceased man on a Number 24 bus from Pimlico to Hampstead Heath

Witnesses say the northerner seemed to target the lone male who was on his way to work in Charing Cross when the incident occurred.

A woman on board at the time told us: “He just sat down next to this poor man and began chatting.

“It was devasting to witness and it’ll be a long time before I can get the imagery of that northerner’s face out of my head

“He even seemed to be smiling while he did it, for God’s sake”

The attacker was overpowered by fellow passengers and handed over to police, who wrestled the man to the ground and handcuffed him before taking him to Ebury Bridge police station where he remains in police custody awaiting an appearance at Horseferry Road magistrates court on Monday morning, charged with affray, resisting arrest, manslaughter and overfamiliarity.

This latest incident comes just two weeks after a 50-year-old woman from Spitalfields in East London, died in the arms of fellow commuters when a man from Sheffield in South Yorkshire approached her on the platform of Shadwell tube station and reportedly said: “‘ow do missus. It’s turned out reet nice again ah see”

Editor’s Note: It’s a complete myth that Northerners are warm and friendly while Londoners are taciturn and rude. Now get out, the lot of you! GO ON! GET OUT!

Local woman’s hairy toe discovery led to murder

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman killed her partner in cold blood after discovering a small clump of dark hairs on her big toe, an Old Bailey jury was told yesterday.

Tracy Ree, a legal secretary from Dock Street, attacked her partner, Toby Dell, 27, a self-employed forklift truck mechanic, with an axe after making the discovery on the evening of June 16 last year.

Prosecuting counsel, Carter Shay QC, told the court that Ms Ree had complained to the deceased after spotting the hairs and that he’d made light of the issue, calling her, Big Foot, and, Hairy Mary.

The plaintiff then allegedly flew into a murderous rage and attacked Mr Dell with an axe, severing his head and one of his legs.

The court heard that Ms Ree then tried to dispose of his body by dismembering the corpse and boiling the body parts on the stove.

The cooked remains were then left out in the street for urban foxes and local stray dogs to consume.

However, police were alerted when a West Highland Terrier belonging to a neighbour came home with one of Mr Dell’s arms in its jaws.

The neighbour concerned immediately called the police after recognising one of Mr Dell’s tattoos.

The case continues

In other news, a 23-year-old woman from Cripplegate in East London was sentenced to a full life term yesterday after a court found her guilty of dissolving her husband in a vat of sulphuric acid after shooting him dead for laughing at her new hairdo.

New Whitechapel terror as ‘Jack The Parking Regulations Violator’ commits fresh atrocities

The parking regulations-flouting fiend who has held Whitechapel in an icy grip of terror since early October has allegedly now struck twice in one night, according to police reports.

Detective Chief Inspector, Toby Dell, spoke to reporters outside Leman Street police station last night: “The man calling himself, Jack The Parking Regulations Violator, committed two further offences last night contrary to the Highways Act of 1965.

“At 23.15 he parked a yellow Honda CRV on a double yellow line in Vallance Road, and at 02.15 he left a Ford Mondeo in the bus lane in Commercial Street in Spitalfields.

“In both cases, the suspect fled the scene in a Hansom cab, which, according to witnesses, made a loud clattering sound on the cobbles before vanishing into the swirling fog.”

These two latest offences bring the fiend’s tally of flagrant parking regulations-flouting to six, in what locals are calling: ‘The Autumn of Traffic-Based Liberty-Taking Terror’

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