Slain shop worker who varied speed of floor polisher ‘had it coming’, says accused local man

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told an Old Bailey jury that he killed an employee in his local Lidl supermarket by beating him over the head with a can of corned beef after the worker had annoyed him by varying the speed of his floor polishing machine as he approached from behind.

Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Commercial Street, told the court.

“I was walking along the fruit and veg aisle when I heard the humming of the polishing machine behind me.

“I immediately became annoyed because I realised that I would have to manoeuvre my trolley to one side of the aisle to allow this individual to get past.

“However, instead of just getting it over with, he kept pushing the machine fairly close and then slowing down again.

“I took this as a deliberate attempt to harass me and turned around to confront the man and have it out with him there and then.

“To my utter fury, he had gone through a gap in the counters and had started polishing the aisle adjacent to the one I was standing in.

“At this point, I lost control. I seized a tin of Newgate, Argentinian corned beef from the shelf and started beating him over the head with it.

“It was never really my intention to kill him even though he had it coming as far as I was concerned.

“In my view, floor cleaning should be done outside of opening hours to spare innocent shoppers from undergoing the kind of trauma I was subjected to.”

Dell was found guilty by unanimous verdict and sentenced to life imprisonment with a recommendation that he serves a minimum of twenty-five years.

As he was led from the dock, Dell struggled with police officers and yelled: “He’s lucky we weren’t in the fresh baked bread area or I’d have shoved his head in the f*****g oven”

95% of Americans will have accidentally killed each other by 2050, survey finds

The infamous Harvard Massacre of 2014 when college students accidentally killed each other in an argument over Monica Lewinsky’s chest measurements

A shock investigation by a popular American magazine has revealed that by the year 2050 an incredible 95% of American citizens will have accidentally killed each other through the negligent discharge of firearms.

The in-depth analysis comes just weeks after a young black male was shot dead in the street by cops who mistook his hands-up gesture to be a threat to the lives of themselves and fellow officers, and the accidental fatal shooting of a marching band of majorettes by a 9-year-old girl who had stolen her father’s assault rifle.

Fightin’ And A Feudin’ magazine also claim, that by the turn of the next century, the American armed forces will have entirely wiped themselves out, along with 97% of Nato forces, in friendly fire incidents.

A spokesman for the National Rifle Association Of America played down the report last night. “We at the NRA totally refute these findings.

“Every American citizen has the right to bear arms under the constitution and if a few sorry sonsofbitches get caught in the crossfire then all I can say is they probably had it coming”

Local man tasered following Sausage Party jibe at cop

A 30-year-old Whitechapel man was recovering in hospital last night following an incident in which a police officer deployed his taser after the man had taunted him over the popular animated movie, Sausage Party

Toby Dell, from Vallance Road, allegedly jeered at the officer who was on duty near Aldgate East station, taunting him that he was going home to watch Sausage Party while the officer would have to remain on patrol.

A bystander told a Whelk reporter: “I heard a heated exchange between this man and a police officer

“The man was yelling that he was going to watch Sausage Party and that the officer wasn’t.

“He was right in this cop’s face, so when the officer drew his taser and zapped him, I wasn’t surprised and even gave him a thumbs-up while this idiot was twitching on the deck.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police said last night: “In the current emergency we urge members of the public to act with common sense and respect, particularly where Sausage Party is concerned.

“If you are going to watch it at some point, please close your doors and windows so that others won’t realise that you’re enjoying the sausage-based antics in the finest motion picture ever made while they may not be able to do so”

In other related news, the actors playing the main sausage and the hot dog bun are going to visit the Royal London Hospital later today where they will meet with frontline NHS staff to offer support and good wishes.

Wife became nauseated by husband’s nasal hair issues during talk about Trump

Nasal and Aural hair. Attractive or a turn-off? Your call.

A 25-year-old East London woman has told The Whitechapel Whelk that she was filled with disgust and righteous fury at her husband’s protruding nasal hair during a brief discussion at their home about United States President, Donald Trump.

Speaking to us from her home in Thrawl Street in Spitalfields, Tracy Dell, told us: “He was explaining to me that President Trump is not as bad as people say.

“He was saying that he gets a raw deal from the left-leaning media and that he’s just a hardworking president, trying to do his best for the country he loves.

“After a few minutes, I noticed that he had these black hairs sticking out of both nostrils.

“I felt sick to my stomach, to be honest with you.

“It’s one thing to be married to a half-witted bigot, but when the bloke’s a hairy-nosed arsehole as well, it goes beyond the pale”

Mrs Dell plans to divorce her husband as soon as possible and has now entered into a sexual relationship with an extreme left-wing activist from neighbouring Shoreditch, for whom she has already bought a battery-powered nose groomer.

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Local woman who broke wind during first date spends first of many sleepless nights wondering if man heard it

Ms Dell pictured last night

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman managed just 2 hours sleep after she broke wind in a restaurant where she was on a first date with a man she had met on Tinder.

Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Vallance Road, told The Whelk: “It happened during dessert. My spoon slipped from my hand, and as it clattered onto my plate, I farted with surprise.

“I looked up and saw that my date was looking down at his food. He was pretty expressionless so it was hard to tell if he’d heard it.

“It wasn’t an absolute rip-snorter or anything so I’m praying that he didn’t notice.

“Having said that, he was pretty quiet for the rest of the evening and he did make me get the bus home instead of dropping me off in his car.

“I hardly slept a wink last night and I’ve a horrible feeling it’s just the beginning.”

Ms Dell’s experience comes just 2 weeks after a 19-year-old woman from neighbouring Shadwell quit her new job minutes after letting fly with a real screamer while nervously shaking hands with the finance director.

BREAKING

More James Mason movies that can be utilised for cheap laffs as we get them.