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Ryanair’s five pounds flights to include post-takeoff floggings

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A lucky passenger pictured jetting off to Sheffield on a budget Ryanair flight last night

Controversial budget airline, Ryanair have announced that their recently-confirmed £5 flights to selected European cities will feature a post-takeoff flogging in the galley for passengers taking advantage of the bargain flights.

A spokesman for Ryanair, who recently came under fire for making passengers go to the toilet in their pants if they refused to pay the airline’s notorious £100 ‘chodbin duty’, told newsmen:

“We’re delighted to announce, that for a few hours, customers will be able to purchase tickets to places nobody wants to go, like Albania or Huddersfield for just five pounds.

“However, they will be stripped and flogged with a cat-o-nine-tails shortly after takeoff by way of retribution.

“Salt will be made available to rub into their wounds post beating, subject to a salt and rubbing surcharge payable on pain of death’

In other related news; last week, a Ryanair passenger with suspected coronavirus was charged two thousand Euros for being dragged from the plane by men in Hazchem suits at Dublin airport.

EDITOR’S NOTE: If it’s possible to actually hate an actual company we hate these licenced brigands with a fearsome intensity. In short, I wouldn’t give these robbing scumbags the steam off your piss.

Our 25-minute sunshine break was ‘super worth it’ say local halfwits

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Plucky Brits. Toby and Tracy pictured putting their disappointment to one side at Gatwick airport last night.

A 23-year-old man and his 19-year-old girlfriend who were forced to return from their eagerly-awaited holiday in Magaluf in Spain after just 25-minutes due to the latest coronavirus spike have hailed the break a huge success despite spending less than half an hour in the resort.

Toby Dell, a Whitechapel forklift truck driver who travelled with his beautician girlfriend, Tracy Carter, told us: “It was a blow when the airline told us to get the first available flight back because they were cancelling our return flight, but we had a brilliant twenty-five minutes and it was super-worth the money.

“When we got to the hotel we found that our room was filthy dirty and was running alive with cockroaches but the staff on the desk couldn’t have been more helpful and told us they’d find us another room in one of their other hotels in a different resort as soon as they got round to it.

“We got unpacked and found out how to turn the telly on so we were all set for a fantastic time.

“Then we got a text telling us to go back to the airport a bit lively or we’d have to make our own arrangements.

“It was a bit disappointing, but we did have a great time while we there and will definitely be going back next year.

Ms Carter was equally pleased with the £1500 break. “We had a great laugh at the airport after we landed and met some lovely peeps from Sheffield in the queue at security and we’ll deffo be keeping in touch. It’s what holidays are all about really. Meeting new people and that.

“I did get a bit burnt waiting for the taxi outside the airport and my shoulders have started peeling a bit but I’m not the first person to have overdone it on the first day and I don’t suppose I’ll be the last”, she laughed.

“I’m slightly cheesed off that we missed out on the hotel BBQ and the bar crawl that first night, but on the bright side, the transfer coach was only half an hour late picking us up and we did manage to grab a bottle of gin from the supermarket so we were well pissed-up by the time we got on the plane home. I’ll be going back, definitely”

In other related news, a 25-year-old woman from Fulham in West London has revealed that she contracted VD while on a two-week break in Lloret Del Mar despite the fact that, due to a covid scare, her flight had to turn round and return to Manchester airport when it was only halfway across the English Channel.

Coronavirus: Britain’s thick elderly irritants hit by government’s no-cruise directive

white cruise ship on blue body of water during daytime

 

It has been estimated that over ten thousand irritating people of below-average intelligence aged 50 and above have been left disappointed by the government’s failure to allow cruise ship holidays to take place this summer due to the coronavirus pandemic.

Many of those affected have expressed dismay at being deprived of the opportunity of living cooped up like cattle on a floating retirement home, spending their days traipsing morosely round and round the upper deck, stopping only to cram appallingly-cooked meals down their necks and washing them down with watered-down lager or exotically-named cocktails made from orange squash and shoe reconditioner.

A government spokesman said last night: “While we realise that the ban will be disappointing for many we have to consider the risk to the health of both passengers and crew.

“We have taken our decision based on the fact that cruise enthusiasts are mostly elderly and overweight irritating dullards, whose idea of relaxation is spending six weeks in a room smaller than the average solitary confinement cell, stuffing their faces, vomiting over the side rail, and heaving their bloated bodies around the dancefloor to teeth-grindingly out-of-tune crooners accompanied by truly atrocious swing bands in the evenings”.

The news was tempered, however, by yesterdays announcement that Britain’s mentally sub-normal youngsters will still be able to fly to Torremolinos for their customary bouts of alcoholic poisoning, venereal disease, imprisonment, and fatal balcony falls.

Local man beaten bloody after Ryanair refund request turned sour

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Ryanair passengers being disembarked over Tenerife during happier times

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man claims that he was attacked in the street by thugs representing the controversial Ryanair airline just days after requesting a cash refund for his flight to Gran Canaria which was cancelled due to covid-19 travel restrictions.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told us: “I was walking back from work and had just turned into my road when three men wearing balaclavas jumped out of a parked car and attacked me with baseball bats.

“As I lay there bleeding, one of the men threw a card at me and said: “The boss sends his regards, scumbag”

“I managed to crawl home, and after my wife had cleaned me up I looked at the card.

“It said: ‘Congratulations. You have just met the Ryanair Refund Crew’

“I’ll be using Easyjet in future, that’s for sure’

We contacted Ryanair last night who told us they had no knowledge of the incident but if we gave them Mr Dell’s details they would send someone round to ‘take care of business’

Local man recreating foreign holiday at home killed after toppling from own balcony

photo of man jumping from boat to the sea
Brit holidaymakers pictured practising balcony falls in Magaluf last year

A 24-year-old man who tried to replicate a sunkissed holiday in Magaluf at his home in Whitechapel has fallen to his death from his bedroom balcony as he pretended to be enjoying drunken, hotel room hi-jinx following a night spent drinking heavily in bars along the strip.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Leman Street, was found lifeless in his front garden, dressed only in Union Jack shorts and a vomit-stained bandana.

His girlfriend, Tracy Carter, 22, wept as she told us: “Toby was gutted when his holiday to Spain was cancelled due to coronavirus, so he set aside two weeks to replicate it in his house.

“He bought loads of beer and cheap spirits from the supermarket and built a little bar in his front room.

“He would go in there every night and get absolutely legless.

“Sometimes, he’d go out in the back yard after a skinful and fall asleep on the path in a pool of sick, pretending it was the main street in Magaluf.

“He even rubbed on loads of fake tan and burned himself with an oxy/acetylene torch to imitate overdoing it in the sun on the first day.

“I’m really sorry that he’s dead because we’d booked a week in Marbella this September and now I’m going to have to try to get the deposit back”

In other related news, a 19-year-old man from nearby Aldgate has slept with a number of drug-addicted prostitutes in the hope of getting the sexually transmitted disease he would have contracted in Ibiza next month if Easyjet hadn’t cancelled his flight.

LOCKDOWN LIFE HACKS #2389: GOING ON HOLIDAY

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During this current health emergency, many of us find ourselves having to cancel eagerly-awaited trips to sunkissed idylls.

So why not recreate a refreshing dip in the Caribbean in your own home by throwing some brightly coloured plastic fish in a warm bath before climbing in wearing bathing trunks.

For keen snorkellers, simulate the experience of scuba diving by clamping your mouth over the plughole before breathing in and out through the overflow pipe.

Finally, recreate the sensation that you may have overdone the sunbathing by getting your partner to blast your back and shoulders with an oxy/acetylene cutting torch.

NEXT WEEK: Lads. Simulate the sensation of having contracted a sexually transmitted disease in Magaluf by tipping a mild sulphuric acid solution over your cock and balls.

JUST IN!

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If you’ve been affected by the covid-19 situation, send us every last penny you own and me and the entire staff will jet off to an idyllic Pacific island for a few months until this whole unpleasant business is over – Ed

Local man orbits Venus in converted shed

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has reportedly orbited the planet Venus in a garden shed that he had converted into a rudimentary rocketship over the course of less than a dozen weekends.

Toby Dell, a gravity caster at Whitechapel Bell Foundry, blasted off into space on Monday just after midday, reaching Venus at around 2.30 pm on the following day.

According to NASA, Dell has completed an orbit of the planet and has now deployed the shed’s retro rockets to blast free from its gravitational pull.

According to his wife, Tracy, 47, he intends to attempt a brief landing on Mars on the way back, although he has expressed concerns about damaging the Ronseal creosote protective coating on his larch lap craft when he touches down on the Red Planet.

Speaking to a Whelk reporter last night, Mrs Dell said: “I didn’t even know he was turning the shed into a rocket.

“He certainly never mentioned it to me. I thought he was out there looking at mucky books like most men”

Dell’s mission mirrors that of a 45-year-old man from neighbouring Poplar, who, in 1987, became the first man to reach Neptune in a Borough of Tower Hamlets wheelie bin.

Virgil out of Thunderbirds stole my innocence: Local woman’s shock claim

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F.A.B.! The saucy pilot pictured in the olden days.

A 74-year-old woman from Whitechapel has revealed that she lost her virginity to Thunderbirds 2 pilot, Virgil Tracy, weeks after starting a job as a cleaning lady at the International Rescue HQ, Tracy Island in 1967.

Mary Terry, a widow from Vallance Road, told The Whelk: “Virgil came onto me a couple of days after I started the job.

“He was very charming and persuasive and I fell head over heels

” He took me out for a number of Sunday afternoon spins in Thunderbird 2 and even took me up into space in Thunderbird 3 when Alan was away on holiday with Tintin.

“He once let me have a go at driving The Mole but had to take the wheel back when I got too close to the centre of the Earth’s core.

“Then one night, after we’d had a few beers from the fridge, he started kissing me.

“Before I knew it, we were rolling around in front of a roaring log fire. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

“Our affair lasted a few months and then, one night after sex, he chucked me.

“He told me that he still loved me but that his dad, Mr Tracy, had told him that being with me was affecting his work.

“Apparently, his dad had bollocked him about a recent fuck-up when Virgil had loaded the wrong pod into Thunderbird 2 and had deployed a number of trucks with hydraulic rams instead of Thunderbird 4 while on a rescue mission at the bottom of the Indian Ocean.

“I quit the job shortly after and started working as a cleaning lady for Joe 90 who was too young to have sex with”

Mrs Terry’s revelation comes just a week after a 60-year-old woman from Bow revealed that, in 1967, she’d had group sex with 5 Mysterons while Captain Scarlet watched.

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