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The Whitechapel Whelk

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Local man ejaculated during bout of extreme nose-blowing, court told

kleenex

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told magistrates that a bout of hard nose-blowing had been behind the fact that he ejaculated onto the door of a crowded District Line tube train carriage in January this year.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Commercial Street, told the court that the sheer force of his nasal expulsions had triggered an involuntary orgasm and that he had no intention of committing an act of gross indecency.

“I was suffering from a heavy cold and just wanted to clear my nose because I was struggling to breathe,” he told Horseferry Road magistrates court.

“All of a sudden my trouser zip burst open and I inadvertently ejaculated onto the door.

“It was purely an accident,” he said, “I wasn’t even aroused.”

Sentencing Dell to a 9-month prison sentence, suspended for one year, the magistrate, Terence Carter, told the defendant: “The court proposes leniency in this instance, but if you return to this court having shot your custard in public again you can expect a substantial custodial sentence to be imposed.”

Last August, a 23-year-old woman from Pimlico in West London was fined £150 for behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace after she had a series of shattering climaxes during a prolonged bout of coughing in the waiting room at her doctor’s surgery.

‘Not obese enough’ Brit couple refused Spanish citizenship

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No way Jose. Brit couple’s dream shattered

A British couple who have owned a holiday home in Spain for the last six years have been refused their request to adopt Spanish citizenship on the grounds that they don’t weigh enough, either individually or jointly.

Toby Dell, 54, and his 52-year-old wife Tracy, from Whitechapel, were told by the Spanish Embassy to pile on the pounds before their request would be considered.

Mr Dell, told The Whelk: “We were gutted when our application was turned down because we weren’t fat enough.

“To be fair I’m pretty flabby and tip the scales at over sixteen stone and the missus is an absolute tugboat and not far behind me, but it wasn’t enough for the Spanish apparently.

“We’ve now started eating foods high in saturated fat, washed down with at least twelve pints of Guinness a day to try and meet the criteria before applying again”

A spokesman for the Spanish Embassy told us: “These people were nowhere near obese enough to qualify for citizenship, although the woman did have a bit of a gut on her.

“You’ve only got to look at TV shows like A Place In The Sun to see that only British people carrying dangerous amounts of excess weight are accepted.

“Another reason they were turned down was the fact that they had tried to learn a few Spanish phrases.

“This flies directly in the face of the traditional British practice of shouting at foreigners and adding an ‘o’ to the odd word in each sentence’

Last week, a couple from Shoreditch who had voted to remain in the EU in 2016 were refused Portuguese citizenship for having an IQ in excess of their shoe size.

A Song For Christmas

carol singers

The following is a true account of an evening I spent in a small bedsit room in the Alfama district of Lisbon, Portugal in 1974.

December had thrown its chill cloak over Lisbon, the nights had turned towards Christmas, bone-cold, silent and dripping with pendulous stars.

I finished dinner around 8.00, and as I slumped into an armchair, my limbs heavy with food and my head thick with red wine, there was a soft knocking at the door.

I opened it and was confronted by five or six, small tousle-haired urchins, aged around 6 or 7.

Their leader was a cherubic Moreno boy, his hair tight with curls, black as pitch, framing a face that seemed to move like water in the light of the lantern he held.

He bade me ‘Boa noite senhor, Feliz Natal’ then gave a few hushed instructions to his companions.

After some preliminary shuffling and nudging, they began to sing with diamond clear voices that seemed to slice through the chill night air, sharp, falsetto and unutterably beautiful.

They sang of a child born in a stable; of a star hanging in the night sky, of The Virgin and the hot rancid breath of the beasts that stood over the infant.

As I watched and listened, it felt to me as if the tidings they were bringing were new, the joy still fresh.

A tiny, doll-like girl, took up a solo and sang in a voice so clear and pitched so high that one felt stripped and shriven of all sin.

As she sang, the others watched her with solemn eyes, lips pursed, ready to enter the chorus. Their heads seemed disembodied, floating in the night air like Botticelli spirits.

And looking at this ragged little bunch I believed all that they told me, for they were bone-thin with eyes that swam with disease and knew what it was to sleep on beds of straw.

After giving them what few coins I had and some thick slices of bread and jam, I closed the door and returned to my armchair.

I sat motionless for some time, listening to the chatter of passers-by in the street below, staring thoughtfully through the bare window at the quartered Iberian moon pinned against the black night sky.

Feliz Natal os meus amigos.

Local man disappointed to discover dad was Gestapo torture fiend

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Mr Dell’s dad pictured with a friend at The Wolf’s Lair in 1941

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that a recent search on a genealogy site has revealed that his late father was a brutal torturer in the feared Nazi secret police, the Gestapo.

Speaking to a Whelk reporter yesterday, Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Bucks Row, said: “I recently joined a website that promises to discover your ancestors going right back to the Middle Ages.

“As you can imagine, I was pretty disappointed to find out that my dad was a massive Nazi who tortured people in a dungeon underneath a castle in Bavaria.

“Apparently, he used to administer electric shocks to people’s private parts and wasn’t averse to using mediaeval instruments of torture, including the Iron Maiden and The Rack, to make people confess to being spies or Jewish.

“It’s a real sickener for me as mum always told me he was in The Home Guard during the war”

Dell’s revelations come just two weeks after another family tree-investigator, a 35-year-old woman from Shoreditch, discovered that her grandmother was the notorious, Beast Of Belsen.

Ryanair’s five pounds flights to include post-takeoff floggings

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A lucky passenger pictured jetting off to Sheffield on a budget Ryanair flight last night

Controversial budget airline, Ryanair have announced that their recently-confirmed £5 flights to selected European cities will feature a post-takeoff flogging in the galley for passengers taking advantage of the bargain flights.

A spokesman for Ryanair, who recently came under fire for making passengers go to the toilet in their pants if they refused to pay the airline’s notorious £100 ‘chodbin duty’, told newsmen:

“We’re delighted to announce, that for a few hours, customers will be able to purchase tickets to places nobody wants to go, like Albania or Huddersfield for just five pounds.

“However, they will be stripped and flogged with a cat-o-nine-tails shortly after takeoff by way of retribution.

“Salt will be made available to rub into their wounds post beating, subject to a salt and rubbing surcharge payable on pain of death’

In other related news; last week, a Ryanair passenger with suspected coronavirus was charged two thousand Euros for being dragged from the plane by men in Hazchem suits at Dublin airport.

EDITOR’S NOTE: If it’s possible to actually hate an actual company we hate these licenced brigands with a fearsome intensity. In short, I wouldn’t give these robbing scumbags the steam off your piss.

Our 25-minute sunshine break was ‘super worth it’ say local halfwits

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Plucky Brits. Toby and Tracy pictured putting their disappointment to one side at Gatwick airport last night.

A 23-year-old man and his 19-year-old girlfriend who were forced to return from their eagerly-awaited holiday in Magaluf in Spain after just 25-minutes due to the latest coronavirus spike have hailed the break a huge success despite spending less than half an hour in the resort.

Toby Dell, a Whitechapel forklift truck driver who travelled with his beautician girlfriend, Tracy Carter, told us: “It was a blow when the airline told us to get the first available flight back because they were cancelling our return flight, but we had a brilliant twenty-five minutes and it was super-worth the money.

“When we got to the hotel we found that our room was filthy dirty and was running alive with cockroaches but the staff on the desk couldn’t have been more helpful and told us they’d find us another room in one of their other hotels in a different resort as soon as they got round to it.

“We got unpacked and found out how to turn the telly on so we were all set for a fantastic time.

“Then we got a text telling us to go back to the airport a bit lively or we’d have to make our own arrangements.

“It was a bit disappointing, but we did have a great time while we there and will definitely be going back next year.

Ms Carter was equally pleased with the £1500 break. “We had a great laugh at the airport after we landed and met some lovely peeps from Sheffield in the queue at security and we’ll deffo be keeping in touch. It’s what holidays are all about really. Meeting new people and that.

“I did get a bit burnt waiting for the taxi outside the airport and my shoulders have started peeling a bit but I’m not the first person to have overdone it on the first day and I don’t suppose I’ll be the last”, she laughed.

“I’m slightly cheesed off that we missed out on the hotel BBQ and the bar crawl that first night, but on the bright side, the transfer coach was only half an hour late picking us up and we did manage to grab a bottle of gin from the supermarket so we were well pissed-up by the time we got on the plane home. I’ll be going back, definitely”

In other related news, a 25-year-old woman from Fulham in West London has revealed that she contracted VD while on a two-week break in Lloret Del Mar despite the fact that, due to a covid scare, her flight had to turn round and return to Manchester airport when it was only halfway across the English Channel.

Coronavirus: Britain’s thick elderly irritants hit by government’s no-cruise directive

white cruise ship on blue body of water during daytime

 

It has been estimated that over ten thousand irritating people of below-average intelligence aged 50 and above have been left disappointed by the government’s failure to allow cruise ship holidays to take place this summer due to the coronavirus pandemic.

Many of those affected have expressed dismay at being deprived of the opportunity of living cooped up like cattle on a floating retirement home, spending their days traipsing morosely round and round the upper deck, stopping only to cram appallingly-cooked meals down their necks and washing them down with watered-down lager or exotically-named cocktails made from orange squash and shoe reconditioner.

A government spokesman said last night: “While we realise that the ban will be disappointing for many we have to consider the risk to the health of both passengers and crew.

“We have taken our decision based on the fact that cruise enthusiasts are mostly elderly and overweight irritating dullards, whose idea of relaxation is spending six weeks in a room smaller than the average solitary confinement cell, stuffing their faces, vomiting over the side rail, and heaving their bloated bodies around the dancefloor to teeth-grindingly out-of-tune crooners accompanied by truly atrocious swing bands in the evenings”.

The news was tempered, however, by yesterdays announcement that Britain’s mentally sub-normal youngsters will still be able to fly to Torremolinos for their customary bouts of alcoholic poisoning, venereal disease, imprisonment, and fatal balcony falls.

Local man beaten bloody after Ryanair refund request turned sour

people high aerial jump
Ryanair passengers being disembarked over Tenerife during happier times

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man claims that he was attacked in the street by thugs representing the controversial Ryanair airline just days after requesting a cash refund for his flight to Gran Canaria which was cancelled due to covid-19 travel restrictions.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told us: “I was walking back from work and had just turned into my road when three men wearing balaclavas jumped out of a parked car and attacked me with baseball bats.

“As I lay there bleeding, one of the men threw a card at me and said: “The boss sends his regards, scumbag”

“I managed to crawl home, and after my wife had cleaned me up I looked at the card.

“It said: ‘Congratulations. You have just met the Ryanair Refund Crew’

“I’ll be using Easyjet in future, that’s for sure’

We contacted Ryanair last night who told us they had no knowledge of the incident but if we gave them Mr Dell’s details they would send someone round to ‘take care of business’

Local man recreating foreign holiday at home killed after toppling from own balcony

photo of man jumping from boat to the sea
Brit holidaymakers pictured practising balcony falls in Magaluf last year

A 24-year-old man who tried to replicate a sunkissed holiday in Magaluf at his home in Whitechapel has fallen to his death from his bedroom balcony as he pretended to be enjoying drunken, hotel room hi-jinx following a night spent drinking heavily in bars along the strip.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Leman Street, was found lifeless in his front garden, dressed only in Union Jack shorts and a vomit-stained bandana.

His girlfriend, Tracy Carter, 22, wept as she told us: “Toby was gutted when his holiday to Spain was cancelled due to coronavirus, so he set aside two weeks to replicate it in his house.

“He bought loads of beer and cheap spirits from the supermarket and built a little bar in his front room.

“He would go in there every night and get absolutely legless.

“Sometimes, he’d go out in the back yard after a skinful and fall asleep on the path in a pool of sick, pretending it was the main street in Magaluf.

“He even rubbed on loads of fake tan and burned himself with an oxy/acetylene torch to imitate overdoing it in the sun on the first day.

“I’m really sorry that he’s dead because we’d booked a week in Marbella this September and now I’m going to have to try to get the deposit back”

In other related news, a 19-year-old man from nearby Aldgate has slept with a number of drug-addicted prostitutes in the hope of getting the sexually transmitted disease he would have contracted in Ibiza next month if Easyjet hadn’t cancelled his flight.

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