Man Who Stood Up As Soon As Plane Landed, Quite Rightly Pummelled Back Into Seat

A male passenger on an Easyjet flight to Gran Canaria last week was treated in hospital for facial injuries after a fellow traveller justifiably launched a flurry of blows at the man who had risen from his seat as soon as the aircraft had landed and begun its taxi to the airport terminal in a bid to be the first to disembark.

His assailant, Toby Dell, from Whitechapel in East London, was cheered loudly by fellow passengers as he hammered the man back into his seat with a series of powerful blows before quite rightly berating him as a ‘thick twat’ and a ‘know-nothing ponce’

Speaking to us from his hotel on the island, Dell, 54, said: ‘I hate these deluded fuckers who think that by standing up as soon as the bloody plane touches down and getting their poxy bags out of the overhead lockers they are going to get to their accommodation quicker than anyone else.

‘Haven’t they heard of baggage reclaim carousels, queuing at passport control, or waiting for shuttlebus transport in the airport car park?

‘If I had my way, I would hang the lot of them from lamposts and hang them high’

An Easyjet spokesman told us: ‘We applaud Mr Dell’s prompt actions in this instance and will be offering him a free flight back to London in Business Class with booze and canapes thrown in.

‘These idiots who jump up as soon as we land are gormless fucknuts of the highest order and if people like Mr Dell wish to hammer them from arseole to Saturday then we say, more power to them’

This incident mirrors an altercation on a British Airways flight from London City Airport to Faro in Portugal last month when a passenger who began shouting excitedly at a friend seated across the aisle, pointing out that the plane had begun its descent, was dragged from his seat by an irate fellow traveller who, quite rightly, knocked the man unconscious before jamming his head under his seat.

Comrades!: An Everyday Story of Heroic Soviet Folk

MoNdAy

The temperature dipped a bit today. When we thawed out the thermometer it read -35.C. Heroic Comrade Cat is missing. We await his glorious return.

“Winter draws on” said Comrade Wife. – I thought that she’d put them on at the start of November! Still, we have a roaring bar on the electric fire and plenty of electricity to power it thanks to our glorious state energy produc…

WE THRUST THE BANNER OF FREEDOM INTO THE TESTICLES OF OUR CRAVEN ENEMIES WHO FLEE BEFORE US LIKE CARRION CROWS!!!

TuESdAY

Comrade Wife has injured herself by slipping on a frozen cow-pat at the collective farm and will be off work for 2 weeks. The doctor has told her to take things easy. I have thoughtfully advised her to take her wheeled shopping trolley with her when she sets off on the ten-kilometre journey through the snow to get my vodka from the market in Voldosgrad. It was touching to see the tears of gratitude well up in her eyes. Still no sign of heroic, Comrade Cat

OUR WOMENFOLK LAUGH AT THE PAMPERED WESTERN TROLLOPS WITH THEIR DECADENT, LABOUR-SAVING, TESCO ‘BUY-ONLINE’ HOME DELIVERY

WedNEsDaY

Had a nice quiet night in with Comrade Wife last night. We settled down in front of the TV to watch a heroic, 2-hour display of Cossack dancing by the 731st Infantry Regiment, followed by, ‘Denounce Your Traitorous Neighbour,’ hosted by ‘Cheeky’ Colonel Boranavich from the 21st Moscow NKVD death squad. How the poor downtrodden workers of The West must envy our cultural superiority. Have sent Children #3 and #7 out into snow to search for Comrade Cat

OUR GLORIOUS PIANO ACCORDIANS BRING JOY AND SUCCOUR TO THE WORLD!

ThURsDaY

Spectacular display of the Northern Lights last night. We were totally spell-bound as we looked out of the hole in the wall where the window used to be; marvelling at the coloured beams of light swirling in every direction. How foolish we felt when, this morning, Mr Danolski from downstairs told us that it was actually the local nuclear power station going into melt-down. Comrade wife and myself seem to have developed a slight rash. Still no sign of Children #3 and #7 or Comrade Cat.

WE JOYOUSLY VIOLATE THE SOFT UNDERBELLY OF THE IMPERIALIST JACKALS!

FrIdAy

Joyous news comrades! Heroic Comrade Cat has returned!. All of the family are delighted to see him as we’ve been worried for weeks. There will be special celebratory roast dinner tonight as he has brought a mouse back with him. Have sent Children #2 and #9 out to search for heroic siblings.

RAISE YOUR VOICES IN EXULTATION COMRADES AS WE MARCH ON TO A GLORIOUS NEW DAWN OVER THE TWITCHING BODIES OF OUR IMPERIALIST FOES!

SaTuRdAy

Beetroot gruel supply now dangerously low. Comrade Cat has gone missing again.

“Comrades” was devised and written circa 2010 on a tight budget by decadent plutocrat and Whelk editor, Danny SoZ, and Western imperialist hyena, Gary Moore.

BBC’s Rageh Omaar has spent 88 per cent of his life on warzone rooftops, study reveals

Omaar pictured last night on the roof of the Bombay Nights Indian restaurant in Whitechapel High Street

A recent study of the journalistic career of the award-winning BBC war correspondent, Rageh Omaar, has revealed that he has spent more than three-quarters of his entire life, broadcasting from flat rooftops in various trouble spots around the world.

Omaar, 55, made his name as a fearless young journalist, reporting from a Kuwaiti rooftop during the first Gulf war in 1990, when he spent ninety-six days on a roof with only three cans of Red Bull and a pack of tuna and sweetcorn sandwiches, that were made for him by his mother before he left, to sustain him.

Since then, he has stood on rooftops with artillery fire raining down in various warzones across the planet, including, Syria, Yemen, Chechnya, Sierra Leonne, and more recently Mariupol in Ukraine, where he has been on the flat roof of a bombed-out building for 13-days with only a handheld camera and a small cassette recorder, on which he records the latest Russian air and artillery strikes for the BBC and the Al Jazeera television station.

In 2010, Omaar split from his wife of 12-years who cited his constant demands for food and water to be brought up to him on the roof of their home in Milton Keynes as grounds for divorce.

‘He was rooftop mad’ she told The Sunday Times.

‘We even spent our honeymoon night in Praia Del Ingles in Portugal on the roof where he insisted on a cameraman being present while we had sex in case a Warsaw Pact country launched an airstrike on our hotel.’

Only the legendary BBC war correspondent, Kate Adie, can match Omaar’s dogged record in world trouble spots.

Last year, it was revealed that Adie has spent her entire life from the age of nineteen in warzones, crouching down on her haunches wearing army fatigues and shouting into a microphone as various bombs, missiles, and even improvised explosive devices, explode in the background.

Simon Cowell to be fired to the edge of space using his big trousers

Pop entrepreneur and TV personality, Simon Cowell, is set to join the likes of Amazon mogul, Jeff Bezos, and Virgin Media boss, Richard Branson, who have recently embarked on multi-million-pound space trips, by being fired to the very edge of space using a specially-designed catapult, which, when attached to the braces on his massive, high waistband trousers will hurl him skywards at speeds in excess of two thousand miles per hour.

Speaking to newsmen last night, Cowell, 87, said: “Ever since I was a kid, listening to David Bowie’s Space Oddity on my transistor radio, I’ve been fascinated by space travel, so this opportunity to be catapulted to the very edge of the Earth’s atmosphere using my huge trousers as a rudimentary slingshot really is a boyhood dream come true.

Cowell is scheduled to be launched from his back garden on October 10 this year, wearing a specially designed helmet linked to an oxygen tank on his back.

The daring mogul will also be coated with a high factor sunscreen in case he ventures too close to the sun, although he has told friends he hopes to avoid that pitfall by going at night.

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir

In their smash hit single, Everybody Hurts, the beat group, REM, clearly state, ‘take comfort in your friends.
This is all well and good but what about if you’re a fat sociopathic fuck and everyone, including your own family, think you’re a weapons-grade c**t?

D. Trump
Mar A Lago
Murica

***********

Dear Sir

Carers. Buy a pair of those joke, chattering dentures, so that your elderly charges can use them to pre-chew their meat instead of you having to cut it up for them.

Betty Stable
Dar Es Salaam

**********

Dear Sir

I spotted a white youngster spitting in the street yesterday. You can bet your bottom dollar he was taught this filthy habit by immigrants. Pakistanis and the French spring immediately to mind.

P. Patel. Home Secretary
Whitehall
London W1

**********

Dear Sir

Fill your bath with tropical plants and then turn the hot tap in the sink on. If you then crawl around in the bottom of the tub you can replicate the steamy conditions experienced by British soldiers fighting the Japs in the jungle during World War II. For added authenticity, throw in a few poisonous insects and venomous snakes.

Helen Mirren
Tinsel Town
Bermondsey

**********

Dear Sir

In one of his smash hit singles, Lionel Richie extols the sensation of dancing on the ceiling.
Well I tried it yesterday and was killed instantly in the resulting heavy fall.
Come on Lionel, if that’s your idea of enjoyment I should very much like to take issue with you.

S. Wonder
Bromley By Bow
London E4

BREAKING: I’ll shift Suez Canal vessel using my big face, vows Olly Murs

Face Off. Olly and friend pictured with Whelk sub-editor, Danny Soz last night. Pic by Inchcock.

Marine engineers struggling to free the stricken cargo vessel, The Ever Given from it’s wedged position across the Suez Canal, breathed a huge sigh of relief last night as British pop icon, Olly Murs, pledged to free the ocean-going leviathan, which weighs in excess of 200,000 tonnes, using his gigantic face.

Murs flew to Egypt last night from where he told newsmen: “I intend to use my massive dial to displace water in the canal by dipping it into the stretch of water just behind the ship, causing the level to rise extremely quickly. It’s the Archimedes principle but with my face in the canal instead of his arse in the tub.

“I’m convinced that the huge displacement caused by my enormous face will cause the Ever Given to rise upwards, forcing the stern and the bow free which will give the tugs and the heavy equipment on the bank the opportunity to haul her around until she’s facing the right direction.”

The Egyptian president, Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, was full of praise for the Dance With Me star last night,

“My country has been losing over twenty million pounds a day in lost revenue, so Olly’s intervention has been a massive boost and a real Godsend.

“The sooner he gets his enormous, moon face into that water the better as far as I’m concerned”

If successful, this will be the biggest marine rescue operation since pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, used his gigantic, high-waisted trousers to haul a stricken, Russian nuclear submarine from the bottom of The Bering Strait in 1997.

Local man convinced that the Number 24 bus is ever-present among us, like God

A 52-year-old Whitechapel man has told a Whelk reporter that he believes that the number 24 bus is an omnipresent entity that pervades the lives of all humanity and will continue to do so until the very end of time.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Commercial Street, told us: “Everywhere I go in town I see a number 24 bus.

“It doesn’t matter if I’m in East London, West London, or even south of the river, the 24 is always there.

“I believe it’s been sent to watch over us and to keep us from harm.

“Unless, of course, you’re like my neighbour who stepped off the kerb in Victoria Street in front of one and was killed instantly.

“I can only assume he’d lived a sinful life and that the number 24 was wreaking its terrible wrath and vengeance upon him for straying from the path of righteousness

“For is it not written; The Number 24 bus is a vengeful bus and all who stray from its path shall be cast down into the pit.”

A spokesman for Transport For London last night denied Mr Dell’s assertions: “The number 24 is not a terrible, ubiquitous deity that is all-pervasive and omnipresent.

“However, we do concede that it goes from Pimlico to Hampstead Heath, seven days a week and that there are quite a lot of them.  Especially in Tottenham Court Road during the rush hour”

Local man ejaculated during bout of extreme nose-blowing, court told

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told magistrates that a bout of hard nose-blowing had been behind the fact that he ejaculated onto the door of a crowded District Line tube train carriage in January this year.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Commercial Street, told the court that the sheer force of his nasal expulsions had triggered an involuntary orgasm and that he had no intention of committing an act of gross indecency.

“I was suffering from a heavy cold and just wanted to clear my nose because I was struggling to breathe,” he told Horseferry Road magistrates court.

“All of a sudden my trouser zip burst open and I inadvertently ejaculated onto the door.

“It was purely an accident,” he said, “I wasn’t even aroused.”

Sentencing Dell to a 9-month prison sentence, suspended for one year, the magistrate, Terence Carter, told the defendant: “The court proposes leniency in this instance, but if you return to this court having shot your custard in public again you can expect a substantial custodial sentence to be imposed.”

Last August, a 23-year-old woman from Pimlico in West London was fined £150 for behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace after she had a series of shattering climaxes during a prolonged bout of coughing in the waiting room at her doctor’s surgery.

‘Not obese enough’ Brit couple refused Spanish citizenship

No way Jose. Brit couple’s dream shattered

A British couple who have owned a holiday home in Spain for the last six years have been refused their request to adopt Spanish citizenship on the grounds that they don’t weigh enough, either individually or jointly.

Toby Dell, 54, and his 52-year-old wife Tracy, from Whitechapel, were told by the Spanish Embassy to pile on the pounds before their request would be considered.

Mr Dell, told The Whelk: “We were gutted when our application was turned down because we weren’t fat enough.

“To be fair I’m pretty flabby and tip the scales at over sixteen stone and the missus is an absolute tugboat and not far behind me, but it wasn’t enough for the Spanish apparently.

“We’ve now started eating foods high in saturated fat, washed down with at least twelve pints of Guinness a day to try and meet the criteria before applying again”

A spokesman for the Spanish Embassy told us: “These people were nowhere near obese enough to qualify for citizenship, although the woman did have a bit of a gut on her.

“You’ve only got to look at TV shows like A Place In The Sun to see that only British people carrying dangerous amounts of excess weight are accepted.

“Another reason they were turned down was the fact that they had tried to learn a few Spanish phrases.

“This flies directly in the face of the traditional British practice of shouting at foreigners and adding an ‘o’ to the odd word in each sentence’

Last week, a couple from Shoreditch who had voted to remain in the EU in 2016 were refused Portuguese citizenship for having an IQ in excess of their shoe size.