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Virgil out of Thunderbirds stole my innocence: Local woman’s shock claim

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F.A.B.! The saucy pilot pictured in the olden days.

A 74-year-old woman from Whitechapel has revealed that she lost her virginity to Thunderbirds 2 pilot, Virgil Tracy, weeks after starting a job as a cleaning lady at the International Rescue HQ, Tracy Island in 1967.

Mary Terry, a widow from Vallance Road, told The Whelk: “Virgil came onto me a couple of days after I started the job.

“He was very charming and persuasive and I fell head over heels

” He took me out for a number of Sunday afternoon spins in Thunderbird 2 and even took me up into space in Thunderbird 3 when Alan was away on holiday with Tintin.

“He once let me have a go at driving The Mole but had to take the wheel back when I got too close to the centre of the Earth’s core.

“Then one night, after we’d had a few beers from the fridge, he started kissing me.

“Before I knew it, we were rolling around in front of a roaring log fire. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

“Our affair lasted a few months and then, one night after sex, he chucked me.

“He told me that he still loved me but that his dad, Mr Tracy, had told him that being with me was affecting his work.

“Apparently, his dad had bollocked him about a recent fuck-up when Virgil had loaded the wrong pod into Thunderbird 2 and had deployed a number of trucks with hydraulic rams instead of Thunderbird 4 while on a rescue mission at the bottom of the Indian Ocean.

“I quit the job shortly after and started working as a cleaning lady for Joe 90 who was too young to have sex with”

Mrs Terry’s revelation comes just a week after a 60-year-old woman from Bow revealed that, in 1967, she’d had group sex with 5 Mysterons while Captain Scarlet watched.

Local jihadist expresses annoyance as Londoners enjoy quiet drink following London Bridge outrage

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Infidel jackals pictured defying the will of Allah last night

A 23-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London with a conviction for terrorism, rang the Whitechapel Whelk office last night to express his annoyance that Londoners seemed to be enjoying their customary Friday evening drink in the bars around London Bridge just hours after a terrorist incident left two people dead, three injured, and saw the terrorist subsequently shot dead on the bridge by armed officers from The City of London Police.

Tobias al-Delhaam, who was released from prison last July after serving three years for involvement in a terrorist plot, told us: “I walked down to London Bridge last night to pay my respects to my slain brother and was astonished to see all the bars full of people, drinking and chatting as if they didn’t have a care in the world.

“Do they not fear us? Why don’t they tremble before our might and fear for their worthless, infidel lives?

“It was the same after the punishment we inflicted on them at Borough Market and Westminster Bridge.

“These dogs seem impervious to our jihad and to the will of Allah”

We then put the man on hold, locked up the office and went to the pub across the road for a few pints and a game of darts.

Yes, and I won! – Ed.

Whitechapel Plumbing Ltd: For All Your Plumbing & Sexual Needs

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As a jobbing plumber of over 30 years standing it will come as no surprise when I tell you that I’m regularly inundated with requests from despairing members of the public who need a sympathetic ear and some sound advice when dealing with their emotional, marital and sexual issues. Only last week I received the following email from a distressed woman who was quite clearly at the end of her tether and needed the kind of calming advice and steady hand on the emotional tiller that only a fully qualified Corgi registered plumber can supply.

Dear Whitechapel Plumbing

Last Thursday morning I left the house as usual to get a bit of shopping in and noticed that the overflow pipe from the cold water cistern in the loft was pouring with water which was falling onto the flat roof of the porch and making a hell of a racket. I ran inside to fetch my husband but he was nowhere to be found. Eventually, I spotted his silhouette through the shed window and ran out to alert him to the problem.

The sight that greeted me shook me to the very core of my being and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. My husband was completely naked except for a studded leather posing pouch, stockings and suspenders, and a pair of thigh-length rubber fisherman’s waders.

He was also wearing an old gasmask that my mum had kept back from the war and I could see the respirator pulsing as he breathed in and out.

It was then that I noticed he had a noose fastened around his neck which he’d lashed to a roof beam and that his feet were barely touching the ground. Even though he had his back to me it was obvious by his vigorous shoulder movements and cries of pleasure that he was abusing himself.

I could barely contain my horror and disgust and ran back into the house where I vomited repeatedly into the sink. Fortunately, he couldn’t have noticed me watching him as he came in around 20 minutes later in excellent spirits and asked me if I’d seen the cat.

Since this terrible day, I’ve barely been able to function. My work is suffering and the doctor has put me on a number of powerful anti-depressants which leave me feeling washed out and terribly low.

Things have now reached a point where I can’t look at him without retching violently and I have constantly found my thoughts turning towards taking my own life so that I may find some kind of respite from this living hell.

Please, please help me if you can, Whitechapel Plumbing. I just don’t know who else I can turn to.

Tracy Dell

Vallance Road

London E1

********************

Dear Tracy

I know things may seem pretty bleak right now and it’s small wonder you feel as desperate and low as you do, but things are never as bad as they seem and it’s always darkest just before the dawn.

It sounds very much to me as if the ball valve that supplies the cold water cistern has a worn diaphragm and needs replacing. These are easily available from a plumbing supplies store or DIY stockist and retail at around £12.00 or so.

Simply shut off the supply at the rising main, remove the old valve by undoing the retaining locknut on the valve body and also the union connection on the feed pipe. Remove the old assembly and reverse the procedure to fit the new one. Adjust the ball valve arm to give you the tank water level you require and you should be trouble-free for a good few years to come.

If you have any further problems please don’t hesitate to call one of our freephone helplines:

0897 3456 – Compression Or Capillary Joint? / I’m Too Tiny For Love

0897 3457 – Fitting A New Hot Water Cylinder / Feminine Freshness Concerns

0899 3458 – Replacing A Leaking Stopcock / Addicted To Porn

0891 3459 – Lagging Exposed Pipework / Cross-Dressing Hell

0892 3510 – Pipe Bending Made Easy / Sickened By His Demands

BREAKING: The Kraken awoke and devoured Norwegian trawler during Trump/Farage interview claim reports

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The Kraken depicted chowing down on a hapless vessel in the olden days

Reports are coming in that the legendary sea monster, The Kraken, stirred and then awoke before devouring a Norwegian fishing vessel during last nights LBC radio conversation between, Brexit Party leader, Nigel Farage and US President, Donald Trump.

Speculation is rife that the sheer force of malevolence generated in the airwaves during their exchange may have caused the legendary colossus to wake from its 200-year slumber and emboldened the creature to wreak fresh destruction on passing mariners.

Farage strongly denied the allegation last night, dismissing it as ‘Bremoaner whingeing’, while Trump tweeted that he had ‘never heard of any Kraken’

In a subsequent tweet, the president speculated that he thought it may be, ‘a kind of Scandinavian crispbread’.

The last meeting between the two which took place at Trump Tower in 2017, resulted in a number of unconfirmed sightings of the sexually insane, Zoroastrian, demon, Aka Manah, drinking in a bar in downtown Manhatten.

Petrified remains of 675 motorists discovered in Brompton Road

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One of the petrified bodies attempting to pull down his sun visor.

Archaeologists made an incredible discovery yesterday when a team from Swansea University came across the petrified remains of 675 motorists in the notoriously congested, Brompton Road, West London.

The remains are believed to have been there undiscovered since roadworks got underway to repair a burst Roman cistern pipe in 44 AD.

A spokesman for the university told newsmen: “This is potentially an extremely important discovery that could help us to understand how our ancestors spent their time while stuck in heavy traffic in the Brompton Road”

Some of the petrified corpses appeared to be curled up on the back seats of their cars, apparently having a snooze during long periods stuck at temporary traffic lights, while others – believed to be London black cab drivers – were leaning out of their windows making obscene hand gestures at bus drivers.

This remarkable discovery comes just 6-months after an archaeological dig in Spitalfields, East London, unearthed the perfectly preserved body of a Bronze Age female believed to have been trying to cross Commercial Street during rush hour.

You’ve largely ignored the newspaper. Now, you can give the book a wide berth too!

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Artful Dodger Publications are proud to give you the opportunity to baulk violently at the mere thought of parting with your hard-earned dough in order to come into possession of this utterly inane anthology of satirical dross.

It contains 140 poorly-written, unfunny skits and fake news items, as well as all the pitifully unamusing characters you’ve come to loathe down the years.

So, if you’re looking for a hilarious collection of cleverly conceived satirical writing to purchase as an early Christmas gift for a friend or loved one, I’d give this horrendous excuse for humour a very wide berth indeed if I were you -Ed.

PS. If you do buy it at the ridiculously low, bargain price of £9.99, then we thank you most sincerely and may your God go with you.

Here’s a linkypoo:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1700490486/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=whitechapel+whelk&qid=1571452502&sr=8-2

PPS. There’s also a Kindle edition in case you’re skint or just a bit tight with money:

 

Local Man convinced that the No.24 bus is ever-present among us like God

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A 52-year-old Whitechapel man has told a Whelk reporter that he believes that the number 24 bus is an omnipresent entity that pervades the lives of all humanity and will continue to do so until the very end of time.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Commercial Street, told us: “Everywhere I go in town I see a number 24 bus.

“It doesn’t matter if I’m in East London, West London, or even south of the river, the 24 is always there.

“I believe it’s been sent to watch over us and to keep us from harm.

“Unless, of course, you’re like my neighbour who stepped off the kerb in Victoria Street in front of one and was killed instantly.

“I can only assume he’d lived a sinful life and that the number 24 was wreaking its wrath and vengeance upon him for straying from the path of righteousness

“For is it not written; The Number 24 bus is a vengeful bus and all who stray from its path shall be cast down into the pit.”

A spokesman for Transport For London last night denied Mr Dell’s assertions: “The number 24 is not a terrible, ubiquitous deity that is all-pervasive and omnipresent.

“However, we do concede that it goes from Pimlico to Hampstead Heath, seven days a week and that there are quite a lot of them.  Especially in Tottenham Court Road during the rush hour”

Queen summons army to quell rebellious Scots

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The Queen pictured during happier times

Her Majesty The Queen was at the head of a five thousand-strong army marching to the Scottish border last night.

The Queen has grown weary of Scottish dissent and repeated calls for independence from the United Kingdom and will attempt to quell the rebellious Scots by force of arms

It is estimated that Her Majesty’s army of 3 thousand foot soldiers, 1 thousand archers and a thousand mounted yeoman will reach the border within the next few days where they will lay waste to nearby farms and hang any Scot who refuses to swear allegiance to the Monarch.

The Scot’s leader, Nicola Sturgeon MSP, issued a defiant battle cry in response last night. “If it’s war the English are seeking then we’re ready, aye ready.

“They may take our oil and gorge themselves on our Tunnock’s Tea Cakes, but they’ll never take our freedom”

In other related news, there was a reported blunder by an estimated 500-strong battalion of The Queen’s Guard, led by Transport Secretary, Chris Grayling, last night, when he led them into an attack on a Welsh fishing village by mistake.

For non-UK residents, Chris Grayling is our hapless Secretary of State for Transport, a blundering fucknut of epic proportions who couldn’t find his arseole with both hands and a powerful flashlight – Ed

Survey: British women consume three times their own bodyweight during an all-inclusive holiday.

See the source image

A recent study by Cambridge University has revealed, that during the course of a 14-night, all-inclusive holiday break, the average British woman will eat up to 3 times her own bodyweight in the hotel dining area.

The 5-year study, conducted in a number of Spanish holiday resorts, found that over 90 per cent of women have two, and sometimes three, main course meals, and up to 5 desserts during the course of the evening, as well as consuming more calories during breakfast and lunch than an Olympic weightlifter in the super-heavyweight class.

Professor, Toby Dell, MRCP, who led the study, told a nutritionist’s conference in Westminster: “It’s not fully understood why women, in particular, behave in this way.

“One theory is that they are replenishing lost body mass, shed during the ubiquitous, pre-holiday dieting.

“Another supposition puts forward the premise that women, particularly those whose holiday has been paid for by a partner, are making sure that he or she gets full value for money.

“While others, and I include myself in this category, lean towards the theory that they are just greedy fuckers”

These findings come just a month after a study by Swansea University found that holidaying overweight men with bitch tits and hairy backs who criticise women’s bodies on the beach, invariably have small penises, suffer from erectile dysfunction, and are bullied in the workplace.

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