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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

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Queen summons army to quell rebellious Scots

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The Queen pictured during happier times

Her Majesty The Queen was at the head of a five thousand-strong army marching to the Scottish border last night.

The Queen has grown weary of Scottish dissent and repeated calls for independence from the United Kingdom and will attempt to quell the rebellious Scots by force of arms

It is estimated that Her Majesty’s army of 3 thousand foot soldiers, 1 thousand archers and a thousand mounted yeoman will reach the border within the next few days where they will lay waste to nearby farms and hang any Scot who refuses to swear allegiance to the Monarch.

The Scot’s leader, Nicola Sturgeon MSP, issued a defiant battle cry in response last night. “If it’s war the English are seeking then we’re ready, aye ready.

“They may take our oil and gorge themselves on our Tunnock’s Tea Cakes, but they’ll never take our freedom”

In other related news, there was a reported blunder by an estimated 500-strong battalion of The Queen’s Guard, led by Transport Secretary, Chris Grayling, last night, when he led them into an attack on a Welsh fishing village by mistake.

For non-UK residents, Chris Grayling is our hapless Secretary of State for Transport, a blundering fucknut of epic proportions who couldn’t find his arseole with both hands and a powerful flashlight – Ed

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Survey: British women consume three times their own bodyweight during an all-inclusive holiday.

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A recent study by Cambridge University has revealed, that during the course of a 14-night, all-inclusive holiday break, the average British woman will eat up to 3 times her own bodyweight in the hotel dining area.

The 5-year study, conducted in a number of Spanish holiday resorts, found that over 90 per cent of women have two, and sometimes three, main course meals, and up to 5 desserts during the course of the evening, as well as consuming more calories during breakfast and lunch than an Olympic weightlifter in the super-heavyweight class.

Professor, Toby Dell, MRCP, who led the study, told a nutritionist’s conference in Westminster: “It’s not fully understood why women, in particular, behave in this way.

“One theory is that they are replenishing lost body mass, shed during the ubiquitous, pre-holiday dieting.

“Another supposition puts forward the premise that women, particularly those whose holiday has been paid for by a partner, are making sure that he or she gets full value for money.

“While others, and I include myself in this category, lean towards the theory that they are just greedy fuckers”

These findings come just a month after a study by Swansea University found that holidaying overweight men with bitch tits and hairy backs who criticise women’s bodies on the beach, invariably have small penises, suffer from erectile dysfunction, and are bullied in the workplace.

People who stand up before the train arrives at the station ‘scum of the earth’ claims report

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People pictured standing on a train yesterday

A report released yesterday has revealed that train passengers who stand up well before the train has pulled into the station are the scum of the earth

The report, by a Cambridge University study group, further concludes that hanging is too good for these people and that they should have been drowned in a bucket at birth.

A spokesman for the university told newsmen: “Quite what these prize chumps hope to achieve by getting up and standing in the aisle as soon as the tannoy announces the next stop is beyond me.

“Our report calls them scum of the earth and worthy of infanticide, well I would go further.

“In my view, there needs to be a root and branch culling of these fucknuts until not one remains

“The same thing goes for people who start scrambling for the overhead lockers as soon as a plane lands.

“If it was up to me I’d lash them to the underside of the fuselage and leave them there for the return flight so that they die of terror and hypothermia”

Controversial budget airline, Ryanair, has responded by stating that although they would be comfortable with this last proposal, they would introduce a surcharge for passengers according to weight and air resistance, or ‘drag’.

Local couple enjoyed a saucy romp while the Firefox download wizard watched

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A 50-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she had sex with her husband in front of their laptop computer while downloading the popular Mozilla Firefox browser.

Tracy Dell, a shop worker from Vallance Road, told The Whelk: “My husband Toby and I have always been pretty adventurous when it comes to our love life, so when he suggested getting down to it during a Firefox download, I was all for it.

“It happened last Saturday night and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. It was so intense and dangerous, and yet it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

“Toby went out and got some fish and chips while I went upstairs and put on a french maid’s outfit.

“We washed down the fish supper with a few cans and then Toby put the laptop on the coffee table facing us and began the download

“We kissed passionately and then started going at it full pelt in front of the screen.

“The knowledge that the Firefox wizard was downloading the file just a few feet away was delicious, and although Toby had to keep getting up to click on various prompts, it was the most thrilling experience of our lives”

A spokesman for Mozilla told us: “It’s ridiculous to think that our wizard can see what’s going on in people’s houses during a download, although we must say that Mrs Dell has a pretty decent rack on her for a woman of her age”

New doubts cast on suitability of female pilots

male and female pilots

The Whelk would like to make it plain that we are 100 per cent in favour of equality in the workplace, although we do feel that it might be for the best if lady pilots left it to the blokes to reverse the plane into the disembarking bays after landing – Ed

Furious elderly man hits out at ‘no tits’ Nat Geo channel

 

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Simply the breast. Nat Geo in the good old days

A 93-year-old man was furious yesterday after spending the previous evening watching the National Geographic Channel without catching a glimpse of any topless native women in any of the screened documentaries

Speaking from his home in Leman Street in Whitechapel, East London, Toby Dell, a retired forklift truck driver, told us: “Back when I was a boy, we used to buy a copy of National Geographic purely to have a good look at the tits on the women from lost tribes of the Amazon and suchlike.

Admittedly, they weren’t much to look at, some of them had those big stretched out lips and bones through their noses, but tits are tits at the end of the day.

“I’ve now cancelled my subscription with Virgin Media and have written to National Geographic, expressing my anger at the quality of their content.”

A spokesman for the channel responded last night: “We’re sorry that Mr Dell was dissatisfied with our programming on the night in question.

“As an act of goodwill, we have sent this gentleman a copy of our 1967 magazine which features a number of female members of a lost tribe from Sumatra, fishing with sharpened bits of wood with their bare baps and arses on display”

Local man doesn’t much like the look of guests in TripAdvisor photo of his holiday hotel

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Scum: Some holidaying irritants pictured beingĀ  a pain in the arse last night

A 45-year-old Whitechapel man has expressed deep concerns about the standard of some of the guests pictured staying at the 4-star hotel in Crete where he will be spending 2 weeks at the end of this month.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Vallance Road, told us: “I was gutted when I saw the state of them to be honest.

“The ones pictured sitting around in the lobby looked like bloody halfwits and the receptionist wasn’t much better. I don’t want to appear racist but I’m pretty certain she was a foreigner.

“As for the ones pictured lounging around the pool or stretched out on the beach, they looked as thick as shit, bored, and badly out of shape. I shouldn’t be at all surprised to learn that they were poxy northerners, from Bradford or some absolute khazi like that.

“They looked like the sort of in-your-face scumbags that would strike up inane conversations in the queue at the buffet, or approach you at the bus station, asking for help because they’re too dense to understand the timetable.

“I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the guests will be of a higher standard during my stay and that they all have the decency to shut the f*ck up when I’m around and then just get the hell out.”

A spokesman for TripAdvisor told The Whelk: “We’re sorry that Mr Dell wasn’t happy with the guests in our photos. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, a number of foreign irritants and woefully out of shape, thick bastards occasionally slip under the radar”

Local man forced to wear bin liner after wife ‘packs a few bits away’ in readiness for holiday

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Trash talking: Mr Dell pictured at his home last night

A 53-year-old Whitechapel man has been forced to walk around in a bin liner for the last 2 weeks following his wife’s decision to do some preliminary packing for their forthcoming holiday.

Toby Dell and his wife, Tracy, are booked for a 14-night break on the Greek island of Crete in October which has led to Mrs Dell’s decision to begin packing in preparation.

Mr Dell, who has been wearing a single bin liner for both work and recreation, told us: “She started packing as soon as the confirmation email came through a fortnight ago.

“The following day, I went to get dressed for work and all my clothes had gone from the drawer, even my underpants.

“When I questioned her, she told me she’d put a few bits away for the holiday and that I’d have to make do with what was left for a few months.

“Since then, I’ve been wearing this bin liner to go out in. To be honest, I’m not happy. It sticks to you when the weather’s hot and keeps blowing up in the wind and showing all my bits.

“The lads at work have been ribbing me mercilessly. One of them even set fire to the bottom of it the other day when I was standing at my workbench.”

Mrs Dell was unrepentant about her actions when she spoke to us yesterday: “I’m not spending my time washing and ironing the clothes he needs for his holidays only to have him get them filthy dirty again. He’ll just have to get on with it.

“I’ll be wanting that bin liner soon anyway as I need it for the toiletries”

Mr Dell is not alone in his plight. In neighbouring Shadwell, a 32-year-old man has been forced to wear a sandwich bag since March this year after his wife packed his entire wardrobe in suitcases in readiness for a planned weekend break in Southend in January 2019.

Local woman forced to speak to fellow bus passengers after driver collapses at wheel

 

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Security camera captures the scene moments after Mrs Dell spoke out of turn

 

A 32-year-old Whitechapel woman told The Whelk of her intense shame last night as she admitted interacting with total strangers on public transport.

Tracy Dell, a legal secretary from Vallance Road, told us: “I was on the number 24 bus from Victoria to Hampstead Heath, when, to my horror, I saw that the driver had collapsed at the wheel and that we were heading straight for a shop front in Charing Cross Road.

“I shiftily looked across at the people sitting opposite and tried to convey my concern by looking down at my shoes and then glancing up and making awkward eye contact, but to no avail.

“In the end, I felt I had no choice and just yelled out: “Everybody get down. The fucking driver’s keeled over”

“Fortunately, this seemed to do the trick and one or two people looked up from their phones and dived self-consciously to the floor just moments before we ploughed into the bookshop.

“There was a bit of an awkward silence at this point. Nobody seemed to know what to say. We just lay there, feeling horrendously exposed and tried desperately not to look at one another.

“Eventually, we all shuffled off the bus and began making our way in silence to the nearest bus stop.

“The worst part was the look of horror on those people’s faces as I spoke to them uninvited. Their shock and embarrassment will live with me to the grave.”

The bus driver was later taken to hospital where he was treated for minor injuries and mild post-traumatic stress caused by a passerby asking him if he was alright.

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