BREAKING: Beleaguered US President Donald Trump last night caved in to pressure and gave a copy of his long-awaited tax return to newsmen.
Boy, I bet he’s glad to get that off his chest at last. It can’t be easy running a country with invisible airplanes when the IRS boys are chasing your ass 24/7. Especially when you’re in constant and bigly pain from bonespurs – Ed
“An extremely shifty triumph – Melody Maker
“A masterpiece of entitled lying and waffling” – NME
“Uneasy listening” – Mother & Baby Monthly
“Who the f**k is he trying to kid? – The Archbishop of Canterbury
“A little pizza musical heaven” – Pun World
Available in a seedy, mucky book shop near you and also on the dark web.
A bride-to-be failed to show up at her own wedding last week, choosing instead to blow up her future mother-in-law using high explosives.
Tracy Dell, 22, from Whitechapel in East London told The Whelk that she’d reached the end of her tether due to the woman’s constant interference with the wedding arrangements.
“She was on my case, morning, noon and night,” she told us.
“If it wasn’t the guest list, the bridesmaid’s dresses, or the seating arrangements, she was banging on about my choice of food for the buffet.
“The last straw came when she told me to switch from being a Roman Catholic to a Jew so that she could make matzo balls and chicken soup for the reception.
“I looked up the ingredients and the method for bomb-making online, and on the morning of the wedding, left the device in her kitchen after calling in on the pretext of discussing the honeymoon arrangements.
“When I heard the explosion and looked back at her house in ruins it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders”
This latest incident comes just 2 weeks after a 23-year-old man from neighbouring Shoreditch bundled his 67-year-old future mother-in-law into the lion enclosure at London Zoo after the woman had criticised his choice of top hat for the big day.
Buckingham Palace last night revealed that Her Majesty The Queen, along with The Duke of Edinburgh and other prominent members of the royal family, will this year be spending the Christmas period on the enormous face of pop icon, Olly Murs.
A Palace spokesman told reporters that The Queen is fed up with spending every Christmas at Balmoral and fancied a change.
“Her Majesty wishes it to be known that she will be spending Christmas on Olly Murs’s big face and will remain there until January 2 when she will return to Windsor Castle to recover from the drink for a day or two”
It is understood that the Queen and Prince Philip will be spending the nights on Murs’s gigantic forehead, while William and Kate will be given a small suite of rooms on his massive chin.
Harry and Meghan will be spending much of the festive period up his massive nose, although, due to their famously raucous lovemaking, The Queen has stipulated that they sleep in separate nostrils and that Murs must put wads of cotton wool up his nose at night in case Harry tries to sneak into Meghan’s nostril to give her a noisy scuttling while everyone’s sleeping off the grog.
It is also understood that strict security will be in place in case Fergie tries to sneak onto Murs’s face uninvited.
This move will constitute the biggest departure from royal festive tradition since Queen Victoria and Prince Albert, along with 700 invited guests, saw in the New Year on the cheeks of Kaiser Wilhelm’s gigantic arse.
A 54-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she has squandered her entire life savings of 53 thousand pounds on various shaving products, including; post-shave oil; scented shaving soaps and creams; aftershave balms; and various razors; from ivory-handled cut-throat style, to mahogany safety razors, all purchased from top-of-the-range stores like Taylor of Old Bond Street, Truefitt and Hill of Mayfair and Sweyn Forkbeard of Camden.
Tracy Dell, a doctors receptionist and married mother of 6, told us: “I began shaving my face when I was around 9-years-old and have always loved the fresh tang that follows a really close shave with a straight razor, or even a double edge safety razor when I’m pressed for time.
“I usually take around half an hour to complete a good close shave, from building a rich lather using a top-quality tallow-based soap in a scuttle, to the final close pass of the blade, going against the grain of my beard growth.
“I tried growing a beard once but I hated it. My face felt dirty and itchy and my husband complained of soreness around his inner thighs after oral sex.
“The fact that I’ve blown the kids’ inheritance on shaving gear doesn’t bother me in the slightest.
“I’m a firm believer that they need to stand on their own two feet and work hard to buy their own damn shaving gear, especially the two girls”
Mrs Dell has requested that her fee for this interview is transferred directly into her bank so that she can blow it on a late 19th-century, bone-handled, 5/8″ Sheffield steel, cut-throat razor and leather strop that she’s spotted in an antique store in St Pancras.
A 35-year-old Whitechapel man who was recently pilloried by work colleagues after a tub of male moisturising cream was spotted in his locker was found hanged at his home in Vallance Road yesterday.
Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer and father of four, had been the butt of jibes at work ever since a colleague noticed the scented cream in his locker prior to a shower in July.
His wife, Tracy, 32, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “Toby was a good husband and a loving father, but to find out that he was a secret moisturist is something I’ll never be able to erase from my mind.
“I sat down with the kids the day after he hanged himself and we all agreed it was the only option and the right thing to do to avoid bringing further shame on the family”
This latest incident comes just two months after a man from neighbouring Spitalfields threw himself under a bus after a neighbour spotted him in a branch of Boots buying a tub of mango and pineapple-scented post-shaving balm
Capital Punishment Monthly is a Fully Paid-Up Nasty Bastard Publication©
In what is being seen as a bid to upstage his fellow prime ministerial hopeful, Jeremy Hunt, Boris Johnson yesterday told a local Conservative Party association that one of the first things he would do as PM would be to reintroduce public hanging.
Speaking in Dorking in Surrey, Johnson told members: “Public hanging is part of our urban culture and heritage and the sooner it’s back on the statute books the better.
“I would move to have the initial hangings carried out outside The Old Bailey, like they used to be in the good old days, with a view to building a public gallows in every major city in the land.
“Revenue would be raised by selling tickets to these events with special discounts for those in the upper tax brackets”
Hunt, who yesterday said he would move to bring back foxhunting, responded by vowing to implement a return to sending little boys up chimneys and to reintroduce keelhauling and the lash as punishments for sodomy in The Royal Navy
Following yesterday’s tragic incident when a stowaway on a Kenya Airlines aircraft fell into the back garden of a sunbather in Clapham, South London, pop icon Olly Murs has offered to use his huge face to prevent his fellow Brits from being killed or injured by falling illegals.
Murs plans to have helium-filled blimps attached to his wrists and ankles so that he hovers a few hundred feet above the ground’
Once in position, his big round face, which has a surface area of 91 kilometres, will act as a ‘safety net’ to catch any falling foreigners hoping to come over here to scrounge off the welfare state.
Murs himself was unavailable for comment last night as he is currently on tour in Croatia, but his mother, Violet, 108, told newsmen: “When Olly heard about the falling immigrant, he immediately offered his services to the government.
“Hopefully, his gigantic dial will do the trick and will protect any Britsh people from being harmed by illegals.
“Although, personally, I’m with Mr Farage and would like to shoot the bloody lot of them”
In related news, pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, has also offered to help with the problem by catching any falling foreigners in a pair of his gigantic, hi-waistbanded trousers.
The Whitechapel Whelk 
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