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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

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Royal Family to Spend Xmas on Olly Murs’ Big Face

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Buckingham Palace last night revealed that Her Majesty The Queen, along with The Duke of Edinburgh and other prominent members of the royal family, will this year be spending the Christmas period on the enormous face of pop icon, Olly Murs.

A Palace spokesman told reporters that The Queen is fed up with spending every Christmas at Balmoral and fancied a change.

“Her Majesty wishes it to be known that she will be spending Christmas on Olly Murs’s big face and will remain there until January 2 when she will return to Windsor Castle to recover from the drink for a day or two”

It is understood that the Queen and Prince Philip will be spending the nights on Murs’s gigantic forehead, while William and Kate will be given a small suite of rooms on his massive chin.

Harry and Meghan will be spending much of the festive period up his massive nose, although, due to their famously raucous lovemaking, The Queen has stipulated that they sleep in separate nostrils and that Murs must put wads of cotton wool up his nose at night in case Harry tries to sneak into Meghan’s nostril to give her a noisy scuttling while everyone’s sleeping off the grog.

It is also understood that strict security will be in place in case Fergie tries to sneak onto Murs’s face uninvited.

This move will constitute the biggest departure from royal festive tradition since Queen Victoria and Prince Albert, along with 700 invited guests, saw in the New Year on the cheeks of Kaiser Wilhelm’s gigantic arse.

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I blew my kids’ inheritance on fancy shaving products says local woman

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Taylor’s. Just one of the exclusive gentleman’s grooming outlets that Mrs Dell has blown her kids’ money in.

 

A 54-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she has squandered her entire life savings of 53 thousand pounds on various shaving products, including; post-shave oil; scented shaving soaps and creams; aftershave balms; and various razors; from ivory-handled cut-throat style, to mahogany safety razors, all purchased from top-of-the-range stores like Taylor of Old Bond Street, Truefitt and Hill of Mayfair and Sweyn Forkbeard of Camden.

Tracy Dell, a doctors receptionist and married mother of 6, told us: “I began shaving my face when I was around 9-years-old and have always loved the fresh tang that follows a really close shave with a straight razor, or even a double edge safety razor when I’m pressed for time.

“I usually take around half an hour to complete a good close shave, from building a rich lather using a top-quality tallow-based soap in a scuttle, to the final close pass of the blade, going against the grain of my beard growth.

“I tried growing a beard once but I hated it. My face felt dirty and itchy and my husband complained of soreness around his inner thighs after oral sex.

“The fact that I’ve blown the kids’ inheritance on shaving gear doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

“I’m a firm believer that they need to stand on their own two feet and work hard to buy their own damn shaving gear, especially the two girls”

Mrs Dell has requested that her fee for this interview is transferred directly into her bank so that she can blow it on a late 19th-century, bone-handled, 5/8″ Sheffield steel, cut-throat razor and leather strop that she’s spotted in an antique store in St Pancras.

Exposed ‘Moisturist’ Found Hanged

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A tube of male moisturiser given a butch name to disguise its gayness

A 35-year-old Whitechapel man who was recently pilloried by work colleagues after a tub of male moisturising cream was spotted in his locker was found hanged at his home in Vallance Road yesterday.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer and father of four, had been the butt of jibes at work ever since a colleague noticed the scented cream in his locker prior to a shower in July.

His wife, Tracy, 32, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “Toby was a good husband and a loving father, but to find out that he was a secret moisturist is something I’ll never be able to erase from my mind.

“I sat down with the kids the day after he hanged himself and we all agreed it was the only option and the right thing to do to avoid bringing further shame on the family”

This latest incident comes just two months after a man from neighbouring Spitalfields threw himself under a bus after a neighbour spotted him in a branch of Boots buying a tub of mango and pineapple-scented post-shaving balm

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‘Stand-offish’ Meghan refuses to allow newsmen to listen while she goes to the bathroom

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No royal wee: A defiant Meghan pictured last night

The Duchess of Sussex attracted more press criticism yesterday after she requested privacy when she goes to the toilet.

Under-fire, Meghan, was slammed by journalists who were refused permission to listen at the door while she went to the bathroom.

A spokesman for The Financial Times, one of the newspapers concerned, said last night. “This is the type of stand-offish behaviour that attracts criticism and puts all black Americans in a bad light

“We never had this problem with Princess Diana, who was more than happy to invite the media to listen to her on the toilet.

“She would even leave the door open on occasion so we could take a few shots of her pulling her knickers up for the gossip columns”

The Duchess’s press office issued a statement last night “The Duchess has requested that the press afford her some privacy while she goes to the bathroom.

“She feels that it would be undignified for her toilet noises to be made public, particularly now that she’s a mother.”

Meghan’s stance mirrors that of The Queen Mother, who, in 1953, barred newsmen from hiding behind the curtains during her sex romps with King George VI and their Red Setter.

Boris Calls For Return of Public Hanging

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“Hang some sense into ’em!” Boris pictured campaigning in Surrey last night

In what is being seen as a bid to upstage his fellow prime ministerial hopeful, Jeremy Hunt, Boris Johnson yesterday told a local Conservative Party association that one of the first things he would do as PM would be to reintroduce public hanging.

Speaking in Dorking in Surrey, Johnson told members: “Public hanging is part of our urban culture and heritage and the sooner it’s back on the statute books the better.

“I would move to have the initial hangings carried out outside The Old Bailey, like they used to be in the good old days, with a view to building a public gallows in every major city in the land.

“Revenue would be raised by selling tickets to these events with special discounts for those in the upper tax brackets”

Hunt, who yesterday said he would move to bring back foxhunting, responded by vowing to implement a return to sending little boys up chimneys and to reintroduce keelhauling and the lash as punishments for sodomy in The Royal Navy

I’ll stop bodies falling from aircraft over Britain with my big face says Olly Murs

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Following yesterday’s tragic incident when a stowaway on a Kenya Airlines aircraft fell into the back garden of a sunbather in Clapham, South London, pop icon Olly Murs has offered to use his huge face to prevent his fellow Brits from being killed or injured by falling illegals.

Murs plans to have helium-filled blimps attached to his wrists and ankles so that he hovers a few hundred feet above the ground’

Once in position, his big round face, which has a surface area of 91 kilometres, will act as a ‘safety net’ to catch any falling foreigners hoping to come over here to scrounge off the welfare state.

Murs himself was unavailable for comment last night as he is currently on tour in Croatia, but his mother, Violet, 108, told newsmen: “When Olly heard about the falling immigrant, he immediately offered his services to the government.

“Hopefully, his gigantic dial will do the trick and will protect any Britsh people from being harmed by illegals.

“Although, personally, I’m with Mr Farage and would like to shoot the bloody lot of them”

In related news, pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, has also offered to help with the problem by catching any falling foreigners in a pair of his gigantic, hi-waistbanded trousers.

Furious 5th place Hamilton blames other drivers for finishing ahead of him

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Hamilton, pictured last night with his customary, ‘face like a slapped arse’ when he doesn’t win

Formula 1 world champion, Lewis Hamilton, last night launched a bitter attack on the four drivers that pushed him back into a disappointing 5th place finish in yesterday’s thrilling Austrian Grand Prix, which was eventually won by Red Bull’s Max Verstappen.

A visibly enraged Hamilton hit out at his rivals in a highly-charged post-race press conference.

“If these other four guys hadn’t finished in front of me, I’m absolutely convinced I could have got the win” he raged

“My car wasn’t really dialled-in to the race conditions and the team’s strategy was extremely poor, but I have no doubt in my mind that I would have still taken the chequered flag if these guys hadn’t pushed me back into fifth.

“If this is what F1 is coming to then I will seriously consider retirement at the end of the season.

“People, and my fellow racers, in particular, need to understand that I’m Lewis Hamilton and if they’re not prepared to slow down in order to hand me the win I shall report them to the FIA and continue to kick up fuck at post-race interviews until they do”

Hamilton then stormed out of the room and was spotted minutes later outside the building, screaming and screaming until he was sick

Boris Johnson was perfect gentleman during our night of bare-faced lying and hard-right ideology says, Sarah Sanders

Sarah Sanders
Sanders strongly denies any contact with Johnson’s Johnson

Ex-Whitehouse press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, last night appeared to fly to the defence of beleaguered British prime ministerial hopeful, Boris Johnson, when she told newsmen, that during a late night discussion on far-right politics last year, Johnson’s behaviour towards her was impeccable

Sanders, 36, told assembled reporters, “Boris and I met at my New York apartment at around 11.00 pm in June of last year, where we spent the evening churning out unsubstantiated lies and rumours about a number of left-leaning politicians, both here in the US and in the UK also.

“We also discussed extreme right-wing ideology and formulated possible schemes for surreptitiously introducing it into mainstream politics in both our countries

“During the entire time, Boris behaved like a perfect gentleman.

“At no stage did he give the impression that he would like to take things a little further, let alone try any inappropriate moves.

“We parted with a warm handshake at the door, although I did think he was going to kiss me on the cheek at one point.

“To be honest, I was a little disappointed as I was wearing a pair of black, lacy, open crotch knickers under my business suit just in case”

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