Today’s edition has been sponsored by The Prince Philip Offensive Small Talk Society
The body of a woman whose family reported her missing 6 months ago has been found inside a life-sized model of Star Wars droid, R2-D2, that she built from scrap metal in 1977 shortly after the release of the first epic.
Mary Dell, 50, was an avid fan of the sci-fi blockbuster movies, and according to her husband, Toby, 57, had become increasingly depressed following R2’s death in August last year.
“Mary became almost reclusive after R2 passed away”, he told The Whelk.
“She used to spend hours upstairs in the bedroom inside her R2 model. Me and the kids often used to shout up to her, as the noise of the rumbling on the floorboards made it difficult to hear the telly.
She stopped speaking to people and used to communicate by making those clicking and whistling sounds that R2 used to make in the films. It used to get on my nerves to be honest.
“Our sex life became almost non-existent and I had already filed for a divorce when she suddenly vanished 6 months ago.
“Looking back, I suppose I should have checked inside her model of R2, but it just didn’t occur to me”
“I’ll probably have it melted down for scrap after this unless any of the grandkids want it to play with”
It’s a sad business, to be honest, but it’s what she would have wanted at the end of the day”
Mrs Dell will be laid to rest next Tuesday at Whitechapel Cemetery where neither, Star Wars director, George Lucas, nor any of the cast and crew will be in attendance.
3-2-1 game show legend, Dusty Bin, last night made the sensational claim that the promiscuous behaviour of his erstwhile lover, R2-D2, led to his radicalisation by Islamic extremists
Bin, who now wishes to be known as, Dusty Bin Laden, told The Whelk that Star Wars icon, D2, who died aged 39 last weekend, was a serial love cheat who had a string of clandestine affairs with a series of other screen robots. Bin told us that the diminutive droid boasted openly of bedding a number of Daleks, a cyberman, Robbie The Robot out of Lost in Space, and even, Wall-E, who he seduced during a family holiday to California.
Bin told us that the diminutive droid boasted openly of bedding a number of Daleks, a cyberman, Robbie The Robot out of Lost in Space, and even, Wall-E, who he seduced during a family holiday to California.
Bin has now embraced Islam and has sworn to crush the infidel and to help establish Sharia Law across the world.
“I used to be a Baptist until R2 started sleeping around,” he told us. “Now, because of him, I won’t rest until myself and my Muslim brothers are marching in triumph over the twitching bodies of the slain infidels. Inshallah.”
Mr Bin has asked that his fee for this interview be donated to The London Sanctuary For Distressed Mad Mullahs
Iconic game show legend, Dusty Bin, last night sensationally revealed that, during the 1980s, he shared wild sex romps with the late R2-D2, who passed away at the weekend.
“We were lovers for over 10 years”, an emotional Bin told us yesterday. “We would sometimes meet at Yorkshire Television studios when I was making 3-2-1 with Ted Rogers. We once had sex in Ted’s dressing room while he was on set. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world”
Bin, 47, then told us that the affair came to an abrupt end when he learned of D2’s promiscuous lifestyle.
“One of the girls in the makeup department told me that she once caught R2 in a threesome with a male and female Dalek when she was working on Dr Who for the BBC. There were some evenings when he would show up for dates reeking of oil that I knew wasn’t mine. I even found some discarded robot panties in the glove box of his car.
“The final straw was when I found out that he’d caught a sexually transmitted disease from Wall-E when he was on holiday in California. It was then that I broke it off. R2 was devastated and begged me to stay, but I told him to fuck off”
Mr Bin requested that his fee for this interview be donated to The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Wastepaper Baskets.
Star Wars fans from around the globe are expected to descend on East London next Tuesday after it was revealed that the remains of popular droid, R2-D2, will be thrown in the crusher at a Whitechapel scrap metal yard.
R2, aged 39, passed away peacefully yesterday at his home in a galaxy far, far away, leaving a wife and two pedal bins aged 5 and 8.
Danny Carter, the owner of the scrap yard where the short service and final crushing will be carried out, told us: “We’ll obviously inspect him first to see if he can be put back on the road and sold with false papers. If not, we’ll cut the top off and see if there’s anything worth salvaging: screwdrivers, biros, sunglasses, that sort of thing. After that, we’ll throw him in the crusher. There’s not much of him so it’ll be over pretty quickly hopefully”
Mr Carter went on “He’ll end up as an 8 or 9-centimetre cube once the job’s done. We’ll put his remains up on Ebay and hopefully, make a few quid. I should imagine there’s literally thousands of dozy space cadets out there, willing to part with their readies for a chance to have what’s left of the boy on their sideboard”
One notable absentee from the service will be R2’s old friend, and fellow droid, C3-PO, who told us “I have a business appointment that day, and anyway, I never liked him to be honest. All that beeping and whistling used to get right on my tits”
The Whitechapel Whelk 
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