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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

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xmas

Yuletide Songs For Intellectuals

THIS WEEK: Do They Know It’s Christmas – Band-Aid.

ALTOGETHER NOW!…

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No bum notes were hit by any of the artists during the recording of this meme…apart from Francis Rossi out of Status Quo who was as pissed as a parrot as usual – Ed

 

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Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen creates really shit winter wonderland again

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Interior design guru, Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen, has repeated his absolutely appalling ‘Santa’s Winter Wonderland’ spectacular of 2012 with another equally inept ‘extravaganza’ this Xmas

Hundreds of children were left crying with disappointment alongside angry, disgruntled parents after they visited Bowen’s, ‘Bumper Xmas Wonderland’ on wasteground in Spitalfields in East London last week, only to be greeted with ‘reindeer’ who were just dogs with bits of stick sellotaped to their heads, polystyrene ‘snow’ sparsely scattered over thick mud, and a ‘Santa’s Magic Grotto’ containing a bearded vagrant in a red jacket lying in a pool of shit and piss.

Bowen, 87, angrily defended his efforts last night: “What do these fuckers want for two hundred and fifty quid?” he told newsmen from outside his luxury home in London’s Belgravia.

ARTS GRATIA ARSEHATS

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For those unfamiliar with the British political scene and the current Brexit machinations that are making us all slump face down into the soup course, Rees-Mogg is a privileged, feeble-minded, Old Etonian twat and backbench Conservative MP who used to stand for the National Anthem when he was alone in his study at school, and is still living in the Britain of Admiral Lord Nelson and The Duke of Wellington, and who ardently believes it will be in the countries best interests to crash out of the Brexit negotiations with absolutely no deal on the table, despite being warned against it by the Governor of The Bank of England (whom he attacked yesterday for having the temerity to be a Canadian), and also Her Majesty’s Treasury, who reported that a no-deal Brexit would be ‘catastrophic’ and somewhat akin to throwing ourselves from The White Cliffs of Dover into a sea, boiling with hungry piranhas and female Great White Sharks suffering from acute pre-menstrual tension.

In short, this fool is an industrial strength, mewling pencil with blancmange for brains. Think Donald Trump in a top hat and tails.

Merry Christmas – Ed

PS: Many thanks to our fragrant and long-suffering graphics editor, Sofia, who toiled long and hard to make my own pathetic mock-up look a lot more presentable. Thank you, my lovely.

Britain’s women gearing up to turn nasty on Xmas Day

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According to reports, millions of women across the country are already preparing to turn very nasty while preparing the Christmas dinner on Monday.
It is estimated that at least 18 million British women will hurl abuse at their husbands or partners during the preparation of Christmas dinner, mostly for minor offences such as trying to get a drink of water when they want to drain the sprouts at the sink, or for standing in the doorway, meekly offering to make the gravy.

Last year, more than 6 million men visited the A&E department of their local hospital, with injuries ranging from carving knife wounds, to head injuries caused by being struck with a saucepan after offering to give the bread sauce a stir.

One man, Toby Dell, 47, from Whitechapel in East London, lost his life when his wife ran him through with a meat skewer, snatched from his hand as he tried to use it to see if the bird was thoroughly cooked through after she had taken it from the oven for basting.

His wife, Tracy Dell, 40, later stood trial for his murder at the Old Bailey last June, but was acquitted and awarded £500 from the public purse by Justice Hermione Boyce-Fotheringham after the court was told, that just seconds earlier, the deceased had brazenly asked her if she wanted a glass of Harvey’s Bristol Cream while she was in the middle of turning the roast potatoes.

This year, the government are advising all males to keep a safe distance from the kitchen while their partners prepare the Christmas dinner.

However, they are also warning men not to use this as an excuse to go to the pub.

In 2016, just over 5 million men were admitted to hospital with severe gravy burns after they arrived back a few minutes late and had their dinner plate tipped over their head.

Editor’s note: Sadly for us and rather fortunately for you, we will not be quite as prolific on WordPress as has previously been the case. This is entirely due to our ravenous hunger for cash which has seen us sign up to write for an online publication who frown darkly on having their output read elsewhere online. We protested furiously but were told to toe the party line or lose the lovely luscious lolly. After around 0.4387 seconds of intense deliberation, we reluctantly agreed. We’ll still come back to irritate you from time to time, however, so don’t start with the party squeakers and the fizzy grog just yet. In the meantime, we would like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a happy, and above all, healthy, New Year!

 

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer Champion

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Dear Danny

I’m a single mum with 3 children aged 3, 4, and 6. As a special Christmas treat, I thought I’d take them to a local Winter Wonderland so that they could see Santa and generally enjoy the magic of Christmas

However, when we got there, the place was in a terrible state. All the fake snow had blown away, leaving the ground like a muddy quagmire. The reindeer were just large dogs with bits of twig glued to their heads, and, to make matters worse, when I took the little ones into Santa’s grotto he was lying on the floor drunk with his trousers around his ankles. He barely acknowledged the kids, and when he did speak, he called them his best mates and asked for drink and cigarettes before becoming aggressive and threatening to take the lot of them.

I tried to get my money back, but the manager was very rude and told me to clear off and to stop moaning.

Please help if you can, Danny, as I’m on income support and can ill-afford to throw money away like this.

Thank you, Danny,

Tracy Dell

Leman Street E1

**************************

Dear Tracy

I went round to the manager’s house last night and gave him a solid right uppercut to the jaw. I then went downstairs and worked his lower body with a few powerful shots using both left and right hooks.

This seemed to sicken him big style, so, as he doubled up under the big bombs, I landed a couple of blinding right crosses to his jaw before putting his lights out with a real peach of a roundhouse left-hander to the temple

Just to get the job properly squared away, I went in with the boot, giving him a few quality toe-enders to the solar plexus. I then turned him over and stamped on his kidneys a few times before pulling out a Stanley blade and giving him a few stripes on both cheeks of his arse as a little souvenir present.

I then stole his wallet and bagged up a few valuables from his house to flog down the market on my secondhand goods stall.

Just for good measure, I stamped on his face on the way out, giving him the 5-millimetre tread, the liberty taking mug!

I’m enclosing a full refund of your expenditure, sweetheart, plus a couple of hundred smackers to buy something nice for yourself and the little saucepan lids for Christmas

Have a blinding Christmas, princess, and give the chavvies a big hug from their Uncle Danny, ok?

All the best, my lovely, and a very Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Your Pal

Danny x

Danny Sparko is Vice Chairman of the Grievous Bodily Awareness Society

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Local grandad plans to fake own death to avoid family Xmas get-together

 

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Dead crafty: Mr Dell pictured practising his ‘dearly departed’ routine in his backyard last night

 

A 75-year-old Whitechapel grandfather has told The Whelk that he plans to fake his own death early on Christmas morning to get out of going to a family Xmas dinner at his son’s house later in the day.

Toby Dell, a retired forklift truck engineer from Vallance Road, told us: “There’s absolutely no way I’m going to my son’s place when I could be sitting in front of my own telly with complete control of the remote and a few cans of Skol Super to wash down the snacks.

“I plan to go into a catatonic state like Ray Miland did in, The Premature Burial. Then, with a bit of luck, the missus will go to the party on her own and I’ll be left in peace with some frozen nibbles and plenty of fizzy grog.

“It’s a surefire winner and beats my usual trick of faking a heart-related seizure, or even last year’s brilliant ruse when I pretended that I was suffering from the early onset of dementia and stripped naked in the lounge just before Christmas dinner.

“I was soon back in the comfort of my own home after I rested my nob on the palm of my hand and asked if anyone wanted a sausage on a plate”

Mr Dell remained undeterred when we pointed out that a 70-year-old woman from Shadwell used the same ploy in 2011 and was put in the chest freezer by her husband before he flew out to spend Christmas and the New Year with their daughter in New Zealand

Whitechapel’s male population reduced by one-third as Xmas tree lights death toll reaches new high

 

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Shocking: A local man pictured doing the lights on the tree in the front garden last night

 

It is estimated that a record one-third of men in Whitechapel were killed this weekend as they decorated the family Christmas tree with fairy lights.

The vast majority were victims of electrocution, although there were a number of reports of men who were killed by tripping over wires and banging their heads on solid objects.

There was also a case involving a man whose wife shot him dead after he insisted on using an elaborate, twinkling sequence that she didn’t approve of.

The woman in question was later released without charge after explaining to police that she was approaching the onset of her menstrual cycle.

In other related news, a 29-year-old woman from Bromley By Bow died from a digestive disorder in hospital on Saturday night after eating the entire contents of her five children’s selection boxes while watching Tom Hardy’s acclaimed portrayal of The Kray Twins in the hit movie, Legend.

A Merry Vegan Xmas With Tracy Slaughterhouse-Gore

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Season’s greetings everybody!

There’s nothing quite like sitting down to a delicious Christmas feast with dear friends and beloved family members is there? So I like to take extra care to ensure that everything is absolutely perfect on the big day.

People think that because my family and myself are strict vegans we can’t enjoy a delicious home-cooked feast at this most blessed time of year, but they couldn’t be more wrong.

Every year, bright and early on Christmas morning, I visit my local turkey farm where I insist on beating the bird of my choice to death with an iron bar.

The excitement of the chase and the bloody denouement as the creature finally succumbs to a repeated series of death-dealing blows really gets me in the festive mood.

Once I reach home, I get the leftovers from last year’s dinner out of the freezer and leave it to defrost slowly in the microwave on full power for 10 minutes.

The wonderful stench of rancid sprouts and burnt sage and onion stuffing balls soon begins to pervade the kitchen, filling us all with expectant Christmas cheer.

I then go to the pub with one of my fancy men while my husband and kids cook the turkey. I always give them strict instructions to text me as soon as it’s cooked so that I can get few more ales under my belt before setting off for home.

Finally, after a really good skinful, I pop into the kebab shop next door to the pub and pick up a large doner with chilli sauce to eat on the way home. The look on the little one’s faces as I stagger into the front room, with kebab juice running down my chin makes all that extra effort worthwhile.

When cooking the festive bird, some people like to use a meat thermometer to ensure that it’s cooked right through, but I just tell one of the kids to stick a skewer into the fleshiest part of the bird after about half an hour, and if plenty of blood spurts out it’s ready as far as I’m concerned.

For dessert, I always go for a traditional family favourite and get one of the kids to go down the local Paki shop on the corner for an out-of-date tiramisu, or something along those lines.

I like to serve this with lashings of rich, beef and pork fat gravy, along with some thick, uncooked slices of black pudding.

Then, of course, it’s time for The Queen’s Speech and the opening of the presents. I’ve asked my husband for a poleaxe this year which I’m looking forward to using on one of the ponies in the nearby children’s zoo on Christmas night

Then, all that remains is to drag the carcass home behind my Range Rover and butcher it in the garden in readiness for the raw meat buffet on Boxing Day.

Finally, have a wonderful, ethically-sound Christmas everybody, and remember my motto: “If it moves, kill and eat the bastard before it can get away”

A very Merry Xmas and a prosperous and Happy New Year from me, Tracy, and from all the Slaughterhouse-Gore clan!

Tracy Slaughterhouse-Gore is Chairperson of the Blood Lust and Raw Innards Society of Great Britain

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