A recent study by Oxford University has found that the food writer and broadcaster, Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall, will have eaten pretty much everything on the planet – apart from buildings – by the year 2032.
Fearnley Whittingstall, presenter of the popular, River Cottage TV series, in which he takes on the role of a downshifted, self-reliant farmer with a tendency to cook and eat pretty much anything that walks, crawls or grows from the ground, has now eaten everything in the county of Dorset and has moved on to Devonshire where he has already eaten a small area of woodland and has made a start on a field of beetroot and a family of a dozen or more badgers.
Speaking to a BBC reporter last night, the public school-educated epicure said: “I’m a greedy bastard that will cook and eat anything that’s not nailed down.
“I’m also a dedicated environmentalist so I won’t eat any endangered animals or rare trees. Anything else is going straight down my greedy gullet and into my fat guts”
A spokesman for the Department of The Environment said last night: “We have been made aware of the findings, and having watched him eating some pretty unsavoury items on River Cottage from time-to-time, we’re not surprised.
“If we’re in power and it looks as if nothing will escape Mr Fearnley Whittingstall’s saucepans and Aga cooker, we’ll have him humanely killed with a poleaxe when he’s not expecting it.
“Although, if Labour are in power, those leftie bedwetters will no doubt let him carry on until there’s fuck-all left”
We tried to contact Fearnley Whittingstall for a comment last night but his wife said he was in the kitchen cooking a fox turd and toad pie and braising one of the kids in a stagnant ditchwater sauce.