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STUDY: ‘Woo Woos’ who drink their own urine probably not best placed to advise on vaccines

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Taking the pee. An anti-vaxxer pictured bathing in human waste last night

A recent study carried out by Swansea University has found that people who routinely drink their own urine in the belief that it has restorative powers are probably not the best people to turn to when seeking advice on the side effects of vaccination, despite the fact that the anti-vax lobby and the urine consumers are often intrinsically linked on social media.

Speaking at a meeting of paediatricians in London, Professor Tobias Dell, who headed the study, said: “Our research has shown that individuals who drink their urine – I believe they are known as woo woos in the United States – are not qualified to offer advice on vaccines, nor indeed, anything else in my opinion.

“Our study revealed that a large percentage of these people have a history of mental illness and should be avoided at all costs, particularly if they offer you a glass of lemonade.

“Drinking urine has no health benefits whatsoever and may even be injurious to those who do it.

“In short, any kind of contact with our bladder contents should be avoided where possible. I don’t care what the president of the United States says”

PC Ted Stupor in: Legless in Brexitland

PC Ted (New)

Evenin’ all

Policing a sprawling, multicultural city like London can be a taxing and often hazardous task as I found out to my cost last night.

At around 15.00, our sarge summoned us into the briefing room and told us that we were being assigned to police the Brexit leaving party scheduled for 19.30 in Parliament Square.

We arrived in plenty of time at around 17.00 and while my colleagues deployed around the perimeter I began searching for drink.

It was a pretty fruitless task initially as the Mayor had declared the area an alcohol-free zone to prevent the Brexiteers from getting rowdy and poking each other in the eye with their little Union Jacks on sticks.

By 20.00 my mouth was like the bottom of a baby’s pram and I was seriously thinking of abandoning my post and going for a few jars in The Albert in Victoria Street.

Then, I spotted a group of elderly revellers who had somehow managed to smuggle a crate of Wincarnis tonic wine past the cordon.

With not a moment to lose, I raced over, snatched a couple of bottles and began tucking in as if there were no tomorrow.

At just after 23.00, I celebrated Britain leaving the EU by spewing my ring up all over one old grunter’s zimmer frame and pissing in the ear of an old dear in a wheelchair while she sang the national anthem.

Evenin all.

PC Ted Stupor is vice-chairman of the Metropolitan Liver Carnage Society

Prince Andrew Bombshell: I was in a Whitechapel pie and mash shop when FBI tried to contact me

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Beleaguered royal, Prince Andrew, has claimed that he was in a pie and mash shop in East London when the FBI were trying to gain his assistance with their investigation into his close friend, the late Jacob Epstein and his links to sex trafficking.

A spokesman for Prince Andrew said last night: “His Royal Highness wishes for it to be known that he was in Kelly’s pie and mash shop in Whitechapel High Street during the entire time the Bureau were trying to contact him.

“He had pie, double mash and liquor with fruit pie and custard for afters.

“Unfortunately, he doesn’t have a receipt so you’ll just have to take our word for it.”

We spoke to the shop’s owner, Bill Kelly last night who denied that Prince Andrew was in his eaterie at the time: “No mate”, he told us. “I’d have remembered something like that

“Mind you, we did have the Queen Mother in here in 1941 when she was inspecting the bomb damage in the East End after the Luftwaffe bombed the docks.

“No, if Prince Andrew had come in, he’d have been battered by the other customers.

“We don’t take kindly to nonces around here”

In other royal news, Meghan Markle has been savaged in the tabloids for giving tacit support to communism after she was spotted wearing a red jumper in a Toronto millinery shop last Friday.

Editor’s Note: There is no Kelly’s in Whitechapel but there is one in Bow and another in Bethnal green. Wonderful establishments and I highly recommend both.

Local vegan ‘furious’ following bubonic plague diagnosis

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From our health and nutrition editor, Tracy Slaughterhouse-Gore

A 25-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London has told The Whelk that she felt angry and cheated after being diagnosed with bubonic plague, despite having adopted a vegan lifestyle 6 months previously.

Tracy Dell, a legal secretary, told The East London Gazette: “When my doctor told me I had the bubonic plague and was going to die, I was absolutely furious.

“I’ve eaten nothing but plant-based food for the last six months in the belief that it would not only improve my wellness but would render me immune from disease of any description.

“When I think that I could have been tucking into hot dogs and shepherd’s pie instead of kale and Linda McCartney sausages, it makes my blood boil.”

A leading nutritionist told us last night: “Not only does a vegan diet not protect you against disease, but it also renders you 97 per cent more likely to be punched in the face by a friend who’s sick of hearing about it.”

EXTRA!

whelk fp corona

ADVISORY NOTE: If you’ve been experiencing any of the following symptoms: lethargy, double vision, dizziness or unsteadiness, nausea accompanied by hallucinations and an overwhelming desire to sleep, please check your drinks cabinet immediately as you may have been overdoing it on the Jack.

This information was bought to you courtesy of the PC Ted Stupor Liver Destruction & Public Incontinence Investigation Bureau

SURVEY: Intelligence Quotient at Brexit Celebration Will Mirror 1960s Chimp’s Tea Party

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Brexit Party members pictured in earnest discussion last week

A recent survey carried out by Swansea University has found that the average level of intelligence per attendee at the forthcoming Brexit celebratory gathering in Parliament Square on January 31st will be roughly on a par with a primate at one of the chimp’s tea parties that were held at London Zoo in the 1960s.

The study, conducted among a cross-section of Brexit enthusiasts who have expressed a desire to attend, found that the intellect of some party-goers was so woefully low that many were unable to complete the questionnaire, or defaced it by scribbling over the questions in green crayon.

The party itself – the brainchild of Brexit poster boy, Nigel Farage – will feature appearances from prominent Brexiteers such as Weatherspoons boss, Tim Martin, pop star, Morrisey, and diminutive MP, Mark Francois, who will be provided with a box to stand on so that he can see over the table.

Red, white, and blue jelly, British fizzy pop, and bulldog-shaped cupcakes will be provided on the night with all proceeds going to Mr Farage’s favourite charity, Fascists In Need.

It is understood that due to the great age of some of the revellers, incontinence pads and Phylosan injections will be available if required.

Older partygoers will also be able to join in some old parlour game favourites such as; Pin The Tail On The Darky, Musical Wheelchairs, and, Beat Your Romanian Benefits Cheat Neighbour Out of Doors.

A large section of those in attendance are expected to consist of people from the north of England, so whippet watering stations, Hovis jam butties, and cloth cap pegs will be laid on to accommodate this contingent.

The evening will end at midnight with a rousing rendition of Hearts Of Oak and Jerusalem, with flashcards displaying the words being held up by helpers for the benefit of the small number who are able to read.

London Mortgage Brokers to Offer Equity Release on Cocktails

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In a groundbreaking move, mortgage brokers in London are set to offer handsome equity release terms to buyers who have invested in purchasing their own cocktail.

With the average banana daiquiri – including ice and a glace cherry – going for an eye-watering, £32,000 in the capital, cocktail owners can expect at least £12,000 under a typical, rollover, compound interest deal.

Older drinkers are going to do particularly well, with no repayments due until after their death, whereupon the price of the drink plus interest will come from their estate.

One drinker in a Whitechapel wine bar told The Whelk he was absolutely delighted with the move

Toby Dell, 54, said: “This is great news. I’m going to order a Sambuca Depth Charge for myself and a Moscow Mule for the missus right away.

“Under this new scheme, we’ll be able to afford to get a new conservatory and still have enough left over for a couple of weeks in Antigua”

DISCLAIMER: The value of your tipple of choice may go up or down, although, the latter is highly unlikely – Ed

The Queen has consumed at least 11 tons of tallow since ascending to the throne claims insider

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A source inside Buckingham Palace has made the startling claim that Her Majesty, The Queen has used more than 11 imperial tons of tallow since coming to the throne in 1953

The insider told us that she eats raw tallow for every meal, and that even the food she eats at state banquets is made entirely from tallow and is disguised by Palace gourmet chefs to resemble rack of lamb with roast potatoes and things of that nature.

Tallow, which is made from the fat surrounding the organs of cows or sheep, also plays a major part in The Queen’s holistic approach to medicine and she regularly rubs it on her chest during the winter months to keep the cold out.

It is thought that her fondness for the viscous, fatty comestible was passed down to her by, The Queen Mother, who would routinely add hot tallow to her nightly pint of gin and would also use tallow suppositories if she was finding it difficult to have a shit.

Queen punches out Meghan during heated late-night supper exchange

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Battling royal. The Queen pictured in combative mood just hours before she gave Meghan a clumping

A Buckingham Palace insider has told The Whelk that The Queen launched a frenzied, two-fisted attack on the Duchess of Sussex last weekend, during a furious row about Meghan’s recent remarks about becoming a member of the royal family in a BBC documentary.

The source told us that The Queen had been drinking heavily for most of the evening and seemed to be spoiling for a fight.

Her Majesty reportedly launched into a blistering verbal attack on Meghan during supper, calling her, ‘a colonial scumbag’ before raining down a series of blows on the startled Duchess who was knocked backwards in her chair, banging her head on an ornamental fireguard.

The Queen allegedly then tried to follow up by kicking the weeping Meghan in the head, but was dragged back by Princess Ann, who got her mother in a bear hug telling her to, “just leave it, she’s not worth it”

If true, this will be the second time that Her Majesty has allowed her fists to do the talking.

In 1986, she knocked out, Prince Andrew’s new bride, Sarah Ferguson, in a drunken exchange between the pair at the wedding reception, during which, she called the Duchess of York, a “fat slag” and, “an old ginger spunker”

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