food and drink

My keyboard warrior son has to ask me to get the lids off jars says local woman

keyboard warrior meme

A 47-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London has told a Whelk reporter that her 22-year-old son – a habitual internet troll – doesn’t possess the strength to unscrew the lids from jars and has to get her to do it for him.

Tracy Dell from Leman Street told us: I’ve lost count of the number of lids I’ve had to unscrew for him over the years.

‘He just sits in his bedroom all day wearing my dressing gown and threatening people online.

“He doesn’t seem to target particular people, although he does tend to go for softer options like transport enthusiasts or interior design Facebook groups.

‘He then emerges at teatime and gets me to unscrew the lid from his marmite or jar of Nutella before he has a couple of slices of toast and a glass of banana Nesquik.

‘He’s never been very robust, to be honest, and was regularly bullied at school by the other kids, especially the girls.

“He did have a girlfriend for a couple of weeks but she left him after continuously beating him at arm wrestling.

‘I’ve told him to stop abusing people online and to get out more but he flatly refuses.

‘The only time he’s been outside in the last two years was a few months ago when he was traced by a woman he’d been trolling who turned up on the doorstep.

‘He ended up throwing himself out of the bedroom window and broke both his legs.’

It has been estimated by scientists that if you harnessed the strength of ten typical keyboard warriors you would produce roughly enough torque or turning effort to unscrew the top from a bottle of Vimto after the lid had been tapped a few times with the edge of a knife to loosen it up a bit.

Local man cuts short visit to toilet following radio disaster

toilet 2

A 54-year-old man has told The WhitechapelWhelk that he curtailed an early morning bathroom visit last week after discovering that the small radio he normally listens to during a bowel movement wasn’t working due to a dead battery

Toby Dell from Leman Street told us: “I’d just finished a massive bowl of porridge and was settling down on the sofa to read the paper when I felt the need to have a clear-out.

“I settled myself down on the chodbin and went to switch on the radio to have a listen to BBC London FM only to find it was dead.

“I was absolutely gutted as I wanted to listen to the Vanessa Feltz Show while I dropped the kids off at the pool.

“Unfortunately, there was no way I could go out and get some new batteries as I’d already started and had the turtle’s head.

“I just got the job squared away in double-quick time and got the hell out.

“Next time I need an Eartha Kitt, I’ll turn the radio on first to make sure it’s working”

It is estimated that the average man spends up to thirty per cent of his life in the smallest room, reading newspapers or listening to the radio.

In some extreme cases, a small proportion of men have fitted a wall-mounted TV opposite the pan where they watch complete movies, or binge-watch popular TV series on Netflix,  like Game of Thrones or Peaky Blinders while they’re having a ‘pony and trap’.

Local man tasered following Sausage Party jibe at cop


A 30-year-old Whitechapel man was recovering in hospital last night following an incident in which a police officer deployed his taser after the man had taunted him over the popular animated movie, Sausage Party

Toby Dell, from Vallance Road, allegedly shouted to the officer who was on duty near Aldgate East station, that he was going home to watch Sausage Party while the officer would have to remain on patrol.

A bystander told a Whelk reporter: “I heard a heated exchange between this man and a police officer

“The man was yelling that he was going to watch Sausage Party and that the officer wasn’t.

“He was right in this cop’s face, so when he drew his taser and shot him, I wasn’t surprised and even gave him a thumbs-up while this idiot was twitching on the deck”.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police said last night: “In the current emergency we urge members of the public to act with common sense and respect, particularly where Sausage Party is concerned.

“If you are going to watch it at some point, please close your doors and windows so that others won’t realise that you’re enjoying the sausage based antics in the finest motion picture ever made”

In other related news, the actors playing the main sausage and the hot dog bun are going to visit the Royal London Hospital later today where they will meet with frontline staff to offer support and good wishes.

Biff, Sock, Pow praised my blog then ate my gnocchi says local man


A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The East London Gazette that popular WordPress blogger, Biff Sock Pow, stole a number of pieces of gnocchi from his plate while he was reading a favourable review of his Whitechapel-based blog on Pow’s homepage.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told the Gazette: “I had just sat down to eat my gnocchi and was browsing through my phone, looking for responses to my latest blog post.

“I spotted Pow’s piece, praising my stuff and including me in his top 5 favourite blogs

“Naturally, I was both intrigued and excited in equal measure and put down my fork as I scrolled through his piece.

“However, when I’d finished reading and readdressed myself to my meal, I noticed that 3 pieces of gnocchi were missing

“I told my wife who explained that I must have eaten them while I was reading, but I’m convinced Pow took them, probably using a fork on a spring that he was manoeuvring from the kitchen.

“It’s my view that he either ate them on the spot or took them back to the United States where he warmed them up in his microwave and had them for his supper, washed down with a shot of redeye”

Pow was approached for a comment but became evasive and told a Gazette reporter, “Blow it out ya goddamn ass”.

For more on Biff Sock Pow, why not give his latest book a try?
My Life Stealing Italian Food is available on Amazon for the price of a plate of tagliatelle in a garlic and basil sauce

COVID CRISIS UPDATE: ‘Reading internet and drinking piss mankind’s only hope’ says WHO

Chin chin!

In a dramatic late-night press conference, World Health Organisation Director-General, Dr Tedros Adhamon, issued the stark warning, that with victims of the potentially deadly, covid-19 virus rising exponentially, the only hope for the salvation of the human race is for everyone to read the internet and to drink their own urine in the style of people who don’t believe in vaccinations.

Looking drawn, Dr Tedros said: “Shit just got serious and without wishing to be overly dramatic, we at WHO now believe that unless we all start reading the internet and drinking our piss as fast as we can produce it, mankind is in the toilet, so to speak.

“We particularly urge people to read material put out there by old people talking about surviving the war, along with any appalling-spelt and grammatically comical insights written by people with no medical qualifications and who possess all the intellectual dexterity of a decomposing amoeba.

“Good luck to you all and may your God go with you”

EDITOR’S NOTE: While we realise the gravity of this crisis and acknowledge Dr Tedros’ expertise in this field, we are firmly of the opinion that with some intense internet reading, a modicum of piss-guzzling and the staunch and steady leadership of President Trump, the human race will come through this one and emerge even stronger than before. Although we wouldn’t be surprised if our skin was a bit more yellow due to all the piss.

Bat Can & Rob Tin: The Completely Ineffectual Crime-Busting Tins of Beans

bat can & rob tin meme

It was a chill March night in Whitechapel.

A bitterly cold wind gusted fitfully from the north, tossing hail against the window of Mr Patel’s corner shop like handfuls of gravel.

Inside, on the top shelf, crime-fighting baked bean duo, Bat Can and Rob Tin, stood watchful and pensive, every sinew taut as they kept their tense vigil.

A new consignment of toilet rolls had arrived earlier that afternoon and the crime-busting duo knew only too well that the precious goods would be a prime target for corona-smart villains, desperate to make a killing on the black market with the 3-ply treasure.

Suddenly, a JCB digger crashed through the shop front and two masked men carrying sawn-off shotguns, leapt from the cab and began grabbing armfuls of loo roll, filling the digger’s bucket with their priceless booty.

Bat Can & Rob Tin knew that they had to act fast and prepared to spring into action.

Unfortunately, because they were inanimate and lifeless tins of haricot beans in a rich tomato sauce they had to watch helplessly as the raiders cleared the shelves and drove off into the night. 

Tune in next month as the tinplate twosome fail to stop a smash and grab gang from making off with 2 bottles of hand gel and a packet of wholemeal tagliatelli.

Local teen mystified by girlfriend’s failure to pour milk over her breasts

A bottle of red top pictured last night, half of which, may or may not have been poured over a pair of female breasts.

A 17-year-old Whitechapel youth has told a Whelk reporter that he was left in a state of confusion after spending the weekend at the home of his girlfriend without once witnessing her pouring milk over her naked breasts.

Toby Dell, an engineering student, told us: “I’ve seen literally hundreds of photographs of women on the internet and in magazines pouring milk over their breasts so I was pretty stunned when I spent the weekend with my new girlfriend and she didn’t do it once.

“At one point, I thought she was going to when she got a bottle of semi-skimmed out of the fridge as we were about to have breakfast, but instead of slowly peeling off her top and pouring the milk over her exposed breasts while licking her lips suggestively, she just put some on her Cocoa Pops and put the bottle back in the fridge.

“To say I was disappointed doesn’t even begin to cover it”

A recent survey conducted by Sussex University revealed that only one per cent of females pour milk onto their breasts, with a whopping ninety-nine per cent opting to put it in tea or coffee or use it to make smoothies.

Those who did admit to doing it said that it was almost always by accident when they were either drunkenly swigging from the bottle or were being paid by a professional photographer from a lowbrow grumble publication.

This revelation comes just two weeks after a 16-year-old boy from neighbouring Shoreditch told us of his surprise when he started fooling around with his girlfriend on the sofa and her attractive, huge-breasted mother didn’t come in wearing stockings and suspenders and offer to show her daughter how it was done.

Afghan Conflict Breakthrough: Taliban to restrict crucifixion of adultresses to Wednesday afternoons


In what is being hailed as a major breakthrough in the current talks between the US and the Taliban in war-torn Afghanistan, a spokesman for Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo’s negotiating team has told newsmen that the Taliban have agreed to cut down their daily crucifixion of adulterous women to Wednesday afternoons only.

Speaking in Daha, where the talks are ongoing, the spokesman told reporters: “Following a very fruitful discussion, the Taliban have given assurances that they will be restricting the crucifixion of adulteresses to a designated time slot of between midday and 16.00 on Wednesday afternoons in return for the withdrawal of American forces over the next 6 months.

“Public stonings for apostacy will also be restricted to Tuesday mornings, although, the flogging of homosexuals in football stadiums will continue unabated for the time being.”

President Trump, meanwhile, has praised Pompeo and his team for their breakthrough.

In a tweet on Monday night, he called it: “A very beautiful agreement. It’s a shame about the fags, but we’ll see what we can do when the election gets a little closer”

STUDY: ‘Woo Woos’ who drink their own urine probably not best placed to advise on vaccines

Taking the pee. An anti-vaxxer pictured bathing in human waste last night

A recent study carried out by Swansea University has found that people who routinely drink their own urine in the belief that it has restorative powers are probably not the best people to turn to when seeking advice on the side effects of vaccination, despite the fact that the anti-vax lobby and the urine consumers are often intrinsically linked on social media.

Speaking at a meeting of paediatricians in London, Professor Tobias Dell, who headed the study, said: “Our research has shown that individuals who drink their urine – I believe they are known as woo woos in the United States – are not qualified to offer advice on vaccines, nor indeed, anything else in my opinion.

“Our study revealed that a large percentage of these people have a history of mental illness and should be avoided at all costs, particularly if they offer you a glass of lemonade.

“Drinking urine has no health benefits whatsoever and may even be injurious to those who do it.

“In short, any kind of contact with our bladder contents should be avoided where possible. I don’t care what the president of the United States says”

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