Boost Your Bowel: A Whelk Gut Health Guide

We’ve all experienced that dismal bloated feeling following a heavy meal, often accompanied by abdominal discomfort, reflux, or even loud and socially devastating flatulence.

Now you can banish this digestive disorder from your life forever by simply cutting the pointy end off of a banana and swallowing it, point first, prior to tucking into a sumptuous meal of your choice.

You will find that the torpedo shape of the fruit portion will act as a guide for the food that follows it along the alimentary canal on its journey to the arse, culminating in a satisfying splashdown in the toilet bowl.

When following this process, always avoid swallowing the banana segment with the point upwards as this will lead to a blockage and a back-up of excrement that could result in faecal vomiting at an inopportune moment such as during a job interview or when sharing a first kiss with a new partner.

Also, when peeling the banana, always start by pulling the stalk upwards sharply to break the tough bit at the top before peeling downwards.

So that’s upwards and then down.

NEXT WEEK: How a naval orange pushed firmly into the rectum can eliminate the misery of embarrassing itching.

This piece was written in conjunction with guidance from The Sure As Shit Advisory Council

Local Husband Slain Following Xmas Duck Furore

For duck’s sake. Fowl play led to tragedy

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man was found dead at his home yesterday after an argument with his wife over the preparation of the frozen duck they were planning to have for dinner on Christmas Day turned violent.

Toby Dell, a foundryman from Leman Street, was discovered by a neighbour with horrendous wounds to his face and body allegedly caused by his wife Tracy’s murderous attack on him with a steel, meat-tenderising mallet.

The neighbour, Janey Guest, 25, told us: ‘I could hear them rowing for hours about the best way to cook the duck.

‘Toby wanted to follow a Jamie Oliver recipe but Tracy wanted to go by the instructions on the wrapper.

‘Then at about 3.00 am, I heard her screaming: ‘Fuck you and fuck Jamie Oliver. I bought the bastard duck and I’ll cook it my way, you ponce!’

‘Then I heard a series of loud thumps and a bit of screaming before it went all quiet.

‘I’ve got a spare key so I thought I’d better check to make sure everything was alright.

‘I found Toby lying in a pool of blood on the kitchen floor with his head bashed in big time.

‘Tracy was standing over him holding this metal mallet thing.

‘She started screaming at me over and over: ‘Gas mark 5 for three hours after scoring the skin to allow excess fat to drain’

‘I didn’t know what to do to be honest, so I told her I had a new roasting pan she could borrow and called the law’

Last year, more than two hundred men in the London area were killed by their spouses on Christmas Day following rows ranging from, drunken mother-in-law abuse and bread sauce preparation to the choice of hot custard or chilled brandy sauce to go with the Christmas pudding.

Fruit Peeling With The Stars #3279

THIS WEEK: Clint Eastwood on Naval Oranges

NEXT WEEK: The late Doris Day shares her five favourite ways to peel a Granny Smith apple using just her private parts.

Summer Fruits-Peeling With The Stars

THIS WEEK: James Cagney on plums

NEXT WEEK: Robert De Niro shares his five favourite tips on how to de-seed pomegranates while threatening yourself in the mirror with a Saturday Night Special.

Local man experienced ‘Romeoesque; disappointment at lack of key on tuna can

Tuna with a handy ring pull pictured last night

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that the sense of grief he felt when he found that the tin of tuna he had taken from the cupboard had no ring pull and would have to be manually opened was on a par with the desolation felt by Shakespeare’s star-crossed lover, Romeo, when he wrongly thought that his beloved Juliet was dead.

Toby Dell, a diesel fitter from Leman Street told us: ‘When I realised that the tin had no labour-saving ring pull my grief almost overwhelmed me.

‘At that moment I realised how Romeo must have felt when he mistakenly thought Juliet had checked out.

‘In fact, my sense of upset was even worse than his because I don’t have a can opener and had try to open it with a cold chisel.

‘In the end, I gave up and had cheese and crackers’

Mr Dell’s experience comes just two weeks after a woman from neighbouring Bow told newsmen that the rage she felt after discovering that her packet of custard creams biscuits had no easy-tear tag on the packet was on a par with King Lear’s after finding out that his daughters were plotting his death.

‘I’ll eat my own body weight in jellied eels to mark Platinum Jubilee’, vows fired-up Fergie

Fergie pictured posing for our snapper outside The Whelk offices in Whitechapel Road last night

Ex-royal, Sarah Ferguson, last night told The Whitechapel Whelk that she will consume her own body weight in jellied eels and mash to commemorate The Queen’s Platinum Jubilee next Saturday.

Despite being ostracised by The Royal Family after her divorce from Prince Andrew, Fergie has always remained staunchly loyal to Her Majesty and the monarchy in general.

‘Despite everything, I love The Queen’ she told us yesterday.

‘She may not talk to me these days but she’s still number one in my book and the least I can do to honour her seventy years on the throne is to wolf down my entire bodyweight in eels and mash.

‘I’ll make a start bright and early next Saturday at Kelly’s Eel and Pie Shop in Roman Road and won’t stop until the governor tells me I’ve tucked away the requisite amount.

‘I’ve worked out that if I start when they open at lunchtime I should finish about 4.00 pm, taking into account any visits to the ladies for a shit’

A spokesman for Kelly’s told us last night: ‘If she’s going to eat her own weight in eels I’ll make sure our suppliers send in an extra lorry load as she was always a big old sort even when she was with Andy, so gawd alone knows what she weighs nowadays’

In 2019, Fergie marked the 75th anniversary of D-Day by eating twenty-seven ‘Yumbo Jumbo’ stuffed crust pizzas at Papa John’s in London Bridge Road, washing each one down with a one-litre bottle of R. White’s Cream Soda.

A Merry Vegan Xmas With Tracy Slaughterhouse-Gore

Season’s greetings everybody!

There’s nothing quite like sitting down to a delicious Christmas feast with dear friends and beloved family members is there? So I like to take extra care to ensure that everything is absolutely perfect on the big day.

People think that because my family and myself are strict vegans we can’t enjoy a delicious home-cooked feast at this most blessed time of year, but they couldn’t be more wrong.

Every year, bright and early on Christmas morning, I visit my local turkey farm where I insist on beating the bird of my choice to death with an iron bar.

The excitement of the chase and the bloody denouement as the struggling creature finally succumbs to a repeated series of death-dealing blows really gets me in the festive mood.

Once I reach home, I get the leftovers from last year’s dinner out of the freezer and leave it to defrost slowly in the microwave on full power for 10 minutes.

The wonderful stench of rancid sprouts and burnt sage and onion stuffing balls soon begins to pervade the kitchen, filling us all with expectant Christmas cheer.

Then it’s off to the pub with one of my fancy men while my husband and kids cook the turkey. I always give them strict instructions to text me as soon as it’s cooked so that I can get few more ales under my belt before setting off for home.

Finally, after a really good skinful, I pop into the kebab shop next door to the pub and pick up a large doner with chilli sauce to eat on the way home. The look on the little one’s faces as I stagger into the front room, with kebab juice running down my chin makes all that extra effort worthwhile.

When cooking the festive bird, some people like to use a meat thermometer to ensure that it’s cooked right through, but I just tell one of the kids to stick a skewer into the fleshiest part of the bird after about half an hour, and if plenty of blood spurts out it’s ready as far as I’m concerned.

For dessert, I always go for a traditional family favourite and get one of the kids to go down the Tesco Express on the corner for an out-of-date tiramisu, or something along those lines.

I like to serve this with lashings of rich, beef and pork fat gravy, along with some thick, uncooked slices of black pudding.

Then, of course, it’s time for The Queen’s Speech and the opening of the presents. I’ve asked my husband for a poleaxe this year which I’m looking forward to using on one of the ponies in the nearby children’s zoo on Christmas night before taking it home for the pot.

I like to to drag the carcass home behind my Range Rover to tenderise the meat and butcher it in the garden in readiness for the raw meat buffet on Boxing Day.

So have a wonderful, ethically-sound Christmas everybody, and remember my motto: “If it moves, kill and eat the bastard before it can get away”

A very Merry Xmas and a prosperous and Happy New Year from me, Tracy, and from all the Slaughterhouse-Gore clan!

Tracy Slaughterhouse-Gore is Chairperson of the Blood Lust and Raw Innards Society of Great Britain

Local man almost certain girlfriend had bowel movement on first date

A girl pictured pretending she doesn’t need to go to the toilet last night

A 23-year-old man from Aldgate in East London has claimed to be “99% certain” that a young woman he had just cooked dinner for at his flat went to the toilet and opened her bowels shortly after dessert.

Toby Dell, an electrical engineer, told The East London Gazette: “It was our first date and we were both feeling pretty nervous and a little awkward too I guess.

I had made us steak and kidney pie with peas and mash and my new girlfriend seemed to really enjoy it.

It was just after we’d eaten our dessert of rhubarb crumble and custard that I noticed a change in her demeanour. She kept fidgeting in her chair and wouldn’t look me in the eye.

“She then excused herself and went to the bathroom.

Her movements at this point were hurried and a little furtive, and she kept her head down as she walked past me.

She must have been gone for well over five minutes, during which I heard her cough loudly at least four or five times. I can only assume she was trying to drown out the splashes.

“After she’d pulled the chain, she remained in there for quite a while, presumably waiting for the bubbles to go from the top of the water so she could check for any tell-tale floaters or submarines.

“When she came back, her face was pretty red and she avoided eye contact for quite some time.

I tried to smooth things over by making a few light-hearted remarks about the noisy plumbing, but it only seemed to make matters worse and she left shortly after, saying that she had to get up early for work.

“After she’d gone, I went to the bathroom myself and it was pretty obvious she’d been spraying perfume in there to mask the stench of rotting greens”

When asked if he’d be seeing her again, he told us that he would, but would only be serving drinks and a few dry biscuits.

PUBLICATION

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