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The Whitechapel Whelk

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Survey: British women consume three times their own bodyweight during an all-inclusive holiday.

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A recent study by Cambridge University has revealed, that during the course of a 14-night, all-inclusive holiday break, the average British woman will eat up to 3 times her own bodyweight in the hotel dining area.

The 5-year study, conducted in a number of Spanish holiday resorts, found that over 90 per cent of women have two, and sometimes three, main course meals, and up to 5 desserts during the course of the evening, as well as consuming more calories during breakfast and lunch than an Olympic weightlifter in the super-heavyweight class.

Professor, Toby Dell, MRCP, who led the study, told a nutritionist’s conference in Westminster: “It’s not fully understood why women, in particular, behave in this way.

“One theory is that they are replenishing lost body mass, shed during the ubiquitous, pre-holiday dieting.

“Another supposition puts forward the premise that women, particularly those whose holiday has been paid for by a partner, are making sure that he or she gets full value for money.

“While others, and I include myself in this category, lean towards the theory that they are just greedy fuckers”

These findings come just a month after a study by Swansea University found that holidaying overweight men with bitch tits and hairy backs who criticise women’s bodies on the beach, invariably have small penises, suffer from erectile dysfunction, and are bullied in the workplace.

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Local man doesn’t much like the look of guests in TripAdvisor photo of his holiday hotel

holidaymakers
Scum: Some holidaying irritants pictured being  a pain in the arse last night

A 45-year-old Whitechapel man has expressed deep concerns about the standard of some of the guests pictured staying at the 4-star hotel in Crete where he will be spending 2 weeks at the end of this month.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Vallance Road, told us: “I was gutted when I saw the state of them to be honest.

“The ones pictured sitting around in the lobby looked like bloody halfwits and the receptionist wasn’t much better. I don’t want to appear racist but I’m pretty certain she was a foreigner.

“As for the ones pictured lounging around the pool or stretched out on the beach, they looked as thick as shit, bored, and badly out of shape. I shouldn’t be at all surprised to learn that they were poxy northerners, from Bradford or some absolute khazi like that.

“They looked like the sort of in-your-face scumbags that would strike up inane conversations in the queue at the buffet, or approach you at the bus station, asking for help because they’re too dense to understand the timetable.

“I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the guests will be of a higher standard during my stay and that they all have the decency to shut the f*ck up when I’m around and then just get the hell out.”

A spokesman for TripAdvisor told The Whelk: “We’re sorry that Mr Dell wasn’t happy with the guests in our photos. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, a number of foreign irritants and woefully out of shape, thick bastards occasionally slip under the radar”

Local man forced to wear bin liner after wife ‘packs a few bits away’ in readiness for holiday

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Trash talking: Mr Dell pictured at his home last night

A 53-year-old Whitechapel man has been forced to walk around in a bin liner for the last 2 weeks following his wife’s decision to do some preliminary packing for their forthcoming holiday.

Toby Dell and his wife, Tracy, are booked for a 14-night break on the Greek island of Crete in October which has led to Mrs Dell’s decision to begin packing in preparation.

Mr Dell, who has been wearing a single bin liner for both work and recreation, told us: “She started packing as soon as the confirmation email came through a fortnight ago.

“The following day, I went to get dressed for work and all my clothes had gone from the drawer, even my underpants.

“When I questioned her, she told me she’d put a few bits away for the holiday and that I’d have to make do with what was left for a few months.

“Since then, I’ve been wearing this bin liner to go out in. To be honest, I’m not happy. It sticks to you when the weather’s hot and keeps blowing up in the wind and showing all my bits.

“The lads at work have been ribbing me mercilessly. One of them even set fire to the bottom of it the other day when I was standing at my workbench.”

Mrs Dell was unrepentant about her actions when she spoke to us yesterday: “I’m not spending my time washing and ironing the clothes he needs for his holidays only to have him get them filthy dirty again. He’ll just have to get on with it.

“I’ll be wanting that bin liner soon anyway as I need it for the toiletries”

Mr Dell is not alone in his plight. In neighbouring Shadwell, a 32-year-old man has been forced to wear a sandwich bag since March this year after his wife packed his entire wardrobe in suitcases in readiness for a planned weekend break in Southend in January 2019.

We’re off on our holibobs!

 

hollibobs
Editor, Danny SoZ (pictured left) and smudge wizard, The Artful Dodger, limber up for a fortnight of sun, sea, sand, and cirrhosis of the liver.

The clue’s in the title folks.

Tomorrow I shall be getting my arse dragged up the aisle of a Monarch Airlines plane bound for Portugal, while The Dodger will be guzzling cheese and surrendering without a fight in the land of the escargot and the garlic-guzzling Gallic git.

Mrs Bastard, the firm’s cat is going to be taken care of by our dear friend, and proprietor of the local Chinese restaurant, Li “The Butcher of Peking” Wun Lo, who has assured us that he will be very well taken care of during our absence.

So, we’ll see you in 2 weeks then!

All the very best from all at The Whitechapel Whelk…except Billy Sykes, the sports editor, who was killed by a cricket ball at The Oval earlier today. It’s what he would have wanted.

Be lucky!

 

Letterz to The Editor

 

jo whelk meme

Dear Whitechapel Whelk

Convince your neighbours that your wife has been on a short break to the lively Spanish resort of Magaluf by rubbing gearbox oil into her face and blacking both her eyes.

For added authenticity, clean out her bank account and give her a sexually transmitted disease.

The Right Reverend Dave Runcie

Arsebishop Of Camdenbury

Africa.

********************

Dear Whitechapel Whelk

I’m a 19-year-old exchange student from China and I’d like to protest in the strongest possible terms about my treatment since arriving here in the UK three months ago.

Initially, people seem very kind and welcoming, but their attitude seems to change as soon as I tell them my name. They become hostile, verbally abusive, and even violent.

Last week, for example, I was pulled over by a police car for driving on the wrong side of the road. At first, the two officers were understanding and quite helpful. Then, as soon as I gave them my details, they became angry and started beating me around the head and body with their truncheons.

It has now got to the point where I no longer wish to remain here and have already made arrangements to return to Beijing.

Yours faithfully

Yu Fat Fuk

Pimlico.

******************

Dear Whitechapel Whelk

I have managed to convince my family and friends that I’m ex-Top Gear presenter, Jeremy Clarkson, by hurtling round The Nurburgring at breakneck speed in a variety of muscle cars while being filmed by the Netflix

For added authenticity, I have befriended an irritating, moon-faced, grinning dwarf and a bumbling halfwit with a sex offender’s demeanour and a laughable haircut.

Piers Morgan

Skid Row.

***************

Dear Whitechapel Whelk

I have managed to convince my family and friends that I’m  the desperately irritating and insufferable, morning TV host, Piers Morgan, by behaving like an oily, unctuous, condescending, public school fuck.

For added authenticity, I have given myself the sack and then had a TV crew film me walking around Times Square in New York as if I’m not in the least bit bothered.

Jeremy Clarkson

Nurburgring

****************

Dear Whitechapel Whelk

A couple of oil-soaked, scouring pads, fastened together with a piece of elastic, make an excellent and comforting in-flight sleep mask for a baby robot.

Toby Perineum-Rash

Nigeria

Local Woman Forced To Wage Jihad In Syria Following Misleading Online Holiday Review

isis holiday pic

“Last one in the pool’s an infidel hyena!”

From our summer breaks with Allah correspondent, Danny SoZ

Following the exposure in the media of the recent spate of spurious holiday reviews online, a 59-year-old widow from Whitechapel has revealed that she was held captive for 8 months in Syria by Islamic State fighters and made to engage in bitter hand to hand conflict with Kurdish forces after being duped into travelling to the region by a bogus review she found on the Trip Advisor website.

Mrs Mary Dell, a housewife and mother of nine, finally escaped her captors by concealing herself on board a jeep bound for the town of Al-Bab from where she then made a 30-mile trek on foot across the Turkish border.

Speaking from the Turkish capital, Istanbul, where she’s waiting for a flight back to Britain, Mrs Dell told reporters:

“I was going through the holiday websites looking for a nice relaxing spot to spend a fortnight during the half-term holiday period and spotted a review for a lovely looking hotel in what was described as “a quiet, idyllic spot, ideal for singles, honeymooners and couples wanting a relaxing break away from it all” The reviewer had given it 5 stars in every criteria so I made all the arrangements and flew out 6 weeks later.

“However, no sooner had I left the airport than I was grabbed by two men, one of whom put a hood over my head and stuck a pistol under my ribs. I was then bundled into the back of a car and driven away. The next thing I knew, I was in a jihadist training camp where I spent two months learning how to handle small arms and rocket-propelled grenade launchers. It was the last thing I expected I don’t mind telling you.

“Eventually, after my training was complete, I was sent to the outskirts of Aleppo, where I was caught up in bitter fighting with Kurdish troops who were trying to drive us back from the city centre. Fortunately for me, I was wounded in the shoulder and taken back to our base from where I made my escape a week or so later. I’ll never trust these online holiday reviews again as long as I live!”

When asked if she’d been coerced into becoming a jihadi bride or subjected to sexual assaults of any description, Mrs Dell became agitated and swore at reporters, saying “Not even so much as a polite bloody handshake! It’s Magaluf and the odd Spanish waiter for me next year I don’t mind telling you!”

Local man killed by falling hotel balcony on holiday isle

 

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Mr Dell’s holiday hotel pictured looking all innocent yesterday

 

A 61-year-old man from Whitechapel has died in hospital after being killed by a balcony which fell from his hotel in Playa Del Ingles on the holiday isle of Gran Canaria yesterday.

Mr Danny Dell, a mechanic and father of 9, was returning to his hotel in the early hours of Monday morning when the balcony plummeted from the 12th floor of the building and struck Mr Dell, killing him instantly.

His younger brother, Toby, 57, was with him when the tragedy occurred.

“The poor sod didn’t stand a chance,” he told The Whitechapel Whelk. “It hit him so hard, that when the fire brigade boys pulled it off him, you could see the shape of his body in the concrete like you get in cartoons”

A spokesman for the hotel, the Vista Del Mar, said last night:

“It’s always a bit unfortunate when this sort of thing happens, but at least it makes a change from us having to scrape Brits off the concrete after they’ve fallen from their rooms after a skinful in the bar. It’s actually quite ironic when you think about it”

The hotel has now issued all guests with hard hats and told them to look up before entering the foyer.

Whitechapel Man Forced to Go to Work in His Underpants Following Wife’s Holiday Packing Orgy

man in pants
Mr SoZ pictured shortly before setting off for work yesterday

A 35-year-old local man has told The Whelk that, for the last 3 weeks, he has had to wear a single pair of underpants to work, after his wife put his entire wardrobe into a suitcase in readiness for their forthcoming holiday in The Canary Islands.

Danny SoZ, a pattern maker at Whitechapel Bell Foundry, told us: “She started packing all my gear away about 2 weeks ago. Since then, I’ve been reduced to wearing this pair of pants everywhere I go. It’s not ideal because the local kids laugh and point at me and women cross to the other side of the road when they see me coming towards them after dark. I’ve begged her to let me have a pair of trousers and a t-shirt but she just says they’re for my holidays”

We spoke to his wife, Gill, also 35, at their home in Whitechapel Road last night: “I told him that I was going to put a few essential bits in the cases so that I wouldn’t have to race around at the last minute. I bought some of those clothes special for the holiday. I’m not having him walking around with me in public looking like an old rag bag. There’s nothing wrong with those pants anyway, I only bought them for him last June before we went for a fortnight in Portugal.”

When we asked Mrs SoZ when they were leaving, she told us: “I’m not too sure at the moment, I’m hoping to get us one of those last minute deals to Tenerife around Christmas time”

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