The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Our 25-minute sunshine break was ‘super worth it’ say local halfwits

Plucky Brits. Toby and Tracy pictured putting their disappointment to one side at Gatwick airport last night.

A 23-year-old man and his 19-year-old girlfriend who were forced to return from their eagerly-awaited holiday in Magaluf in Spain after just 25-minutes due to the latest coronavirus spike have hailed the break a huge success despite spending less than half an hour in the resort.

Toby Dell, a Whitechapel forklift truck driver who travelled with his beautician girlfriend, Tracy Carter, told us: “It was a blow when the airline told us to get the first available flight back because they were cancelling our return flight, but we had a brilliant twenty-five minutes and it was super-worth the money.

“When we got to the hotel we found that our room was filthy dirty and was running alive with cockroaches but the staff on the desk couldn’t have been more helpful and told us they’d find us another room in one of their other hotels in a different resort as soon as they got round to it.

“We got unpacked and found out how to turn the telly on so we were all set for a fantastic time.

“Then we got a text telling us to go back to the airport a bit lively or we’d have to make our own arrangements.

“It was a bit disappointing, but we did have a great time while we there and will definitely be going back next year.

Ms Carter was equally pleased with the £1500 break. “We had a great laugh at the airport after we landed and met some lovely peeps from Sheffield in the queue at security and we’ll deffo be keeping in touch. It’s what holidays are all about really. Meeting new people and that.

“I did get a bit burnt waiting for the taxi outside the airport and my shoulders have started peeling a bit but I’m not the first person to have overdone it on the first day and I don’t suppose I’ll be the last”, she laughed.

“I’m slightly cheesed off that we missed out on the hotel BBQ and the bar crawl that first night, but on the bright side, the transfer coach was only half an hour late picking us up and we did manage to grab a bottle of gin from the supermarket so we were well pissed-up by the time we got on the plane home. I’ll be going back, definitely”

In other related news, a 25-year-old woman from Fulham in West London has revealed that she contracted VD while on a two-week break in Lloret Del Mar despite the fact that, due to a covid scare, her flight had to turn round and return to Manchester airport when it was only halfway across the English Channel.

Local man recreating foreign holiday at home killed after toppling from own balcony

photo of man jumping from boat to the sea
Brit holidaymakers pictured practising balcony falls in Magaluf last year

A 24-year-old man who tried to replicate a sunkissed holiday in Magaluf at his home in Whitechapel has fallen to his death from his bedroom balcony as he pretended to be enjoying drunken, hotel room hi-jinx following a night spent drinking heavily in bars along the strip.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Leman Street, was found lifeless in his front garden, dressed only in Union Jack shorts and a vomit-stained bandana.

His girlfriend, Tracy Carter, 22, wept as she told us: “Toby was gutted when his holiday to Spain was cancelled due to coronavirus, so he set aside two weeks to replicate it in his house.

“He bought loads of beer and cheap spirits from the supermarket and built a little bar in his front room.

“He would go in there every night and get absolutely legless.

“Sometimes, he’d go out in the back yard after a skinful and fall asleep on the path in a pool of sick, pretending it was the main street in Magaluf.

“He even rubbed on loads of fake tan and burned himself with an oxy/acetylene torch to imitate overdoing it in the sun on the first day.

“I’m really sorry that he’s dead because we’d booked a week in Marbella this September and now I’m going to have to try to get the deposit back”

In other related news, a 19-year-old man from nearby Aldgate has slept with a number of drug-addicted prostitutes in the hope of getting the sexually transmitted disease he would have contracted in Ibiza next month if Easyjet hadn’t cancelled his flight.


mona lisa with face mask

During this current health emergency, many of us find ourselves having to cancel eagerly-awaited trips to sunkissed idylls.

So why not recreate a refreshing dip in the Caribbean in your own home by throwing some brightly coloured plastic fish in a warm bath before climbing in wearing bathing trunks.

For keen snorkellers, simulate the experience of scuba diving by clamping your mouth over the plughole before breathing in and out through the overflow pipe.

Finally, recreate the sensation that you may have overdone the sunbathing by getting your partner to blast your back and shoulders with an oxy/acetylene cutting torch.

NEXT WEEK: Lads. Simulate the sensation of having contracted a sexually transmitted disease in Magaluf by tipping a mild sulphuric acid solution over your cock and balls.


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If you’ve been affected by the covid-19 situation, send us every last penny you own and me and the entire staff will jet off to an idyllic Pacific island for a few months until this whole unpleasant business is over – Ed

Survey: British women consume three times their own bodyweight during an all-inclusive holiday.

See the source image

A recent study by Cambridge University has revealed, that during the course of a 14-night, all-inclusive holiday break, the average British woman will eat up to 3 times her own bodyweight in the hotel dining area.

The 5-year study, conducted in a number of Spanish holiday resorts, found that over 90 per cent of women have two, and sometimes three, main course meals, and up to 5 desserts during the course of the evening, as well as consuming more calories during breakfast and lunch than an Olympic weightlifter in the super-heavyweight class.

Professor, Toby Dell, MRCP, who led the study, told a nutritionist’s conference in Westminster: “It’s not fully understood why women, in particular, behave in this way.

“One theory is that they are replenishing lost body mass, shed during the ubiquitous, pre-holiday dieting.

“Another supposition puts forward the premise that women, particularly those whose holiday has been paid for by a partner, are making sure that he or she gets full value for money.

“While others, and I include myself in this category, lean towards the theory that they are just greedy fuckers”

These findings come just a month after a study by Swansea University found that holidaying overweight men with bitch tits and hairy backs who criticise women’s bodies on the beach, invariably have small penises, suffer from erectile dysfunction, and are bullied in the workplace.

Local man doesn’t much like the look of guests in TripAdvisor photo of his holiday hotel

Scum: Some holidaying irritants pictured being  a pain in the arse last night

A 45-year-old Whitechapel man has expressed deep concerns about the standard of some of the guests pictured staying at the 4-star hotel in Crete where he will be spending 2 weeks at the end of this month.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Vallance Road, told us: “I was gutted when I saw the state of them to be honest.

“The ones pictured sitting around in the lobby looked like bloody halfwits and the receptionist wasn’t much better. I don’t want to appear racist but I’m pretty certain she was a foreigner.

“As for the ones pictured lounging around the pool or stretched out on the beach, they looked as thick as shit, bored, and badly out of shape. I shouldn’t be at all surprised to learn that they were poxy northerners, from Bradford or some absolute khazi like that.

“They looked like the sort of in-your-face scumbags that would strike up inane conversations in the queue at the buffet, or approach you at the bus station, asking for help because they’re too dense to understand the timetable.

“I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the guests will be of a higher standard during my stay and that they all have the decency to shut the f*ck up when I’m around and then just get the hell out.”

A spokesman for TripAdvisor told The Whelk: “We’re sorry that Mr Dell wasn’t happy with the guests in our photos. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, a number of foreign irritants and woefully out of shape, thick bastards occasionally slip under the radar”

Local man forced to wear bin liner after wife ‘packs a few bits away’ in readiness for holiday

Trash talking: Mr Dell pictured at his home last night

A 53-year-old Whitechapel man has been forced to walk around in a bin liner for the last 2 weeks following his wife’s decision to do some preliminary packing for their forthcoming holiday.

Toby Dell and his wife, Tracy, are booked for a 14-night break on the Greek island of Crete in October which has led to Mrs Dell’s decision to begin packing in preparation.

Mr Dell, who has been wearing a single bin liner for both work and recreation, told us: “She started packing as soon as the confirmation email came through a fortnight ago.

“The following day, I went to get dressed for work and all my clothes had gone from the drawer, even my underpants.

“When I questioned her, she told me she’d put a few bits away for the holiday and that I’d have to make do with what was left for a few months.

“Since then, I’ve been wearing this bin liner to go out in. To be honest, I’m not happy. It sticks to you when the weather’s hot and keeps blowing up in the wind and showing all my bits.

“The lads at work have been ribbing me mercilessly. One of them even set fire to the bottom of it the other day when I was standing at my workbench.”

Mrs Dell was unrepentant about her actions when she spoke to us yesterday: “I’m not spending my time washing and ironing the clothes he needs for his holidays only to have him get them filthy dirty again. He’ll just have to get on with it.

“I’ll be wanting that bin liner soon anyway as I need it for the toiletries”

Mr Dell is not alone in his plight. In neighbouring Shadwell, a 32-year-old man has been forced to wear a sandwich bag since March this year after his wife packed his entire wardrobe in suitcases in readiness for a planned weekend break in Southend in January 2019.

We’re off on our holibobs!


Editor, Danny SoZ (pictured left) and smudge wizard, The Artful Dodger, limber up for a fortnight of sun, sea, sand, and cirrhosis of the liver.

The clue’s in the title folks.

Tomorrow I shall be getting my arse dragged up the aisle of a Monarch Airlines plane bound for Portugal, while The Dodger will be guzzling cheese and surrendering without a fight in the land of the escargot and the garlic-guzzling Gallic git.

Mrs Bastard, the firm’s cat is going to be taken care of by our dear friend, and proprietor of the local Chinese restaurant, Li “The Butcher of Peking” Wun Lo, who has assured us that he will be very well taken care of during our absence.

So, we’ll see you in 2 weeks then!

All the very best from all at The Whitechapel Whelk…except Billy Sykes, the sports editor, who was killed by a cricket ball at The Oval earlier today. It’s what he would have wanted.

Be lucky!


Letterz to The Editor


jo whelk meme

Dear Whitechapel Whelk

Convince your neighbours that your wife has been on a short break to the lively Spanish resort of Magaluf by rubbing gearbox oil into her face and blacking both her eyes.

For added authenticity, clean out her bank account and give her a sexually transmitted disease.

The Right Reverend Dave Runcie

Arsebishop Of Camdenbury



Dear Whitechapel Whelk

I’m a 19-year-old exchange student from China and I’d like to protest in the strongest possible terms about my treatment since arriving here in the UK three months ago.

Initially, people seem very kind and welcoming, but their attitude seems to change as soon as I tell them my name. They become hostile, verbally abusive, and even violent.

Last week, for example, I was pulled over by a police car for driving on the wrong side of the road. At first, the two officers were understanding and quite helpful. Then, as soon as I gave them my details, they became angry and started beating me around the head and body with their truncheons.

It has now got to the point where I no longer wish to remain here and have already made arrangements to return to Beijing.

Yours faithfully

Yu Fat Fuk



Dear Whitechapel Whelk

I have managed to convince my family and friends that I’m ex-Top Gear presenter, Jeremy Clarkson, by hurtling round The Nurburgring at breakneck speed in a variety of muscle cars while being filmed by the Netflix

For added authenticity, I have befriended an irritating, moon-faced, grinning dwarf and a bumbling halfwit with a sex offender’s demeanour and a laughable haircut.

Piers Morgan

Skid Row.


Dear Whitechapel Whelk

I have managed to convince my family and friends that I’m  the desperately irritating and insufferable, morning TV host, Piers Morgan, by behaving like an oily, unctuous, condescending, public school fuck.

For added authenticity, I have given myself the sack and then had a TV crew film me walking around Times Square in New York as if I’m not in the least bit bothered.

Jeremy Clarkson



Dear Whitechapel Whelk

A couple of oil-soaked, scouring pads, fastened together with a piece of elastic, make an excellent and comforting in-flight sleep mask for a baby robot.

Toby Perineum-Rash


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