Local man visibly slavers during machine gun fantasy about noisy supermarket family

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man found himself salivating during a trip to his local Lidl supermarket as he fantasised about scything down a noisy family in the shop with an old fashioned Tommy Gun.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, had to wipe flecks of drool from his chin as he mentally pumped the family of four with bullets during a sustained burst of gunfire.

Speaking to The Whelk, Mr Dell said: “This family had been annoying me from the moment I entered the shop

“The mother had a voice like a foghorn, the father wasn’t much better and the kids were screaming and shouting and running amok in the aisles.

“I just couldn’t seem to shake them off. Every aisle I visited they were there.

These people are the scum of the earth and deserve to die like the lowlife feral garbage that they truly are.

“When I got to the checkout there they were in front of me. The woman was arguing with the girl on the till and the husband was bawling at the screaming kids.

“It was then that I mentally sprayed them with a burst from a Tommy Gun, similar to the ones used by American mobsters in the old gangster flicks.

“I really gave it to them. I swung my weapon from side to side, hosing them down like dogs before standing over their twitching bodies, kicking each one in the head to make sure they were dead.

“I relished the fantasy so much I had to pull out a tissue to mop up the drool from my chin.

“I don’t think this makes me a bad person. Everybody has a breaking point for God’s sake.”

Last September, a man from neighbouring Stepney, told a local newspaper that he’d experienced a sensation almost on a par with a sexual climax as he fantasised about hacking at a woman with an ice pick after she’d parked too close to his car in a Waitrose car park.

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Woman singing in holiday market a complete twat judges local man

Gran Canaria, the paradise isle where the alleged twattery took place

A 42-year-old Whitechapel man last week made a snap judgement that a woman in her 30s that he spotted singing along to a contemporary pop song in a market on the holiday isle of Gran Canaria was highly likely to be, ‘a complete twat’ in her private life.

Toby Dell, from Vallance Road, told us: “As soon as I spotted this dozy bint, singing along to the hit, I realised that the chances of her being a weapons-grade irritant and a complete twat were a nailed-on certainty.

“I was sorely tempted to tell her to belt up and to stop acting the giddy arseole, but I had the wife and kids with me”

Dell’s outburst comes just a week after a woman from neighbouring Shoreditch told newsmen, that in her opinion, a middle-aged woman whom she had seen gyrating slowly to a Spanish pop song in a Pingo Doce supermarket in Albufeira in Portugal was ‘a fucking silly bitch’

Slow-walking woman in supermarket a real piece of crap: Local man’s snap judgement

A supermarket, clearly not in inner-city London pictured last night

A woman who walked slowly in front of a 42-year-old Whitechapel man in his local supermarket was a real piece of crap according to a snap judgement he made at the time

Toby Dell from Commercial Street, told us last night: “This woman entered the store at the same time as me and I realised at once she was going to be a real problem.

“She began walking slowly in front of me with her trolley angled so that I couldn’t get past.

“When she finally stopped to choose some loose bananas, I managed to squeeze past, only to find this bitch had once again overtaken me while I was putting some Greek yoghurt and cottage cheese in my trolley at the cold section

The piece of human garbage then started crawling along at a snail’s pace in front of me once again, occasionally stopping to faff about endlessly while choosing an item from the shelves.

“It was at this point that I judged her to be a real piece of crap and somebody I would cheerfully empty a revolver into if I knew I wouldn’t go to jail for it”

Mr Dell’s assessment comes just two weeks after a 50-year-old woman from Shadwell told us, that, in her view, a man who held her up in the newsagent by counting out his small change on the counter was “a fucking arseole that should have been drowned in a bucket at birth”

LOCAL NEWS

Each 6′ x 6′ room comes with its own naked lightbulb and fitted gruel cupboard –London District of Whitechapel

40-year-old local woman who featured in toilet support ad found hanged

A 40-year-old Whitechapel woman was found hanged at her home in Commercial Street last week just days after she featured in a Betterware catalogue advertisement for an aid for people who struggle to get on and off the toilet.

Tracy Dell, a part-time model who has previously appeared in a number of ads for the magazine, which features handy household gadgets and cleaning products, is believed to have taken her own life during a bout of depression which her husband believes was brought on by her being asked to advertise a product for the elderly.

Toby Dell, 42, told us: “Tracy was gutted when she was asked to do the ad.

“She had to sit on the toilet with this handrail next to it which is designed so that old grunters can heave themselves off the bog after a dump.

“She’s had to advertise some pretty dodgy stuff before, like incontinence pads and facial hair removing cream but this one really got to her in my view.”

This incident comes just two weeks after a 33-year-old man from Stepney threw himself to his death from Battersea Bridge after featuring in a local newspaper ad aimed at men suffering from erectile dysfunction.

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NEXT WEEK: Alexa reduces a pregnant teen to tears after she requests information on breastfeeding and then gets called, “a big belly ho”

Bat Can & Rob Tin: The Completely Ineffectual, Crime-Fighting Tins of Beans

 

It was a sultry July afternoon and the heat in Mr Jalfrezi Patek’s Convenience Store in Whitechapel was oppressive.

Bat Can, and his youthful ward, Rob Tin, were on the top shelf of a tinned goods display unit towards the back of the shop.

They were tense and vigilant, conscious of the fact that there had recently been a number of armed raids in the small parade of shops in which they were resident.

Suddenly, and without warning, the shop door was flung open and two masked men entered, brandishing sawn-off shotguns.

They ordered a terrified Mr. Patak to lie on the ground and began filling two large holdalls with cans of fizzy drink, various fresh vegetables, and packets of crisps.

With every sinew as taut as piano wire, Bat Can knew that it was time for himself and his crime-busting sidekick to spring into action to thwart the lawless fiends.

Unfortunately, due to the fact that they were tins of bins, totally incapable of movement, they had to watch helplessly from their shelf as the raiders fled with their valuable booty.

Bat Can & Rob Tin are members of The Utterly Useless League of America.

JUST IN

DISCLAIMER: No chlorine-washed chicken or hominy grits flooded the Brit food market during the publishing of this front page, hopefully.