The Whitechapel Whelk

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Retro red television

More wholly inappropriate TV listings after these messages…


Retro red television

Not suitable for people who think Brexit will be the gateway to a land of sunny uplands and pink unicorns or the mentally sub-normal. Which amounts to pretty much the same thing really.

Post-Brexit Bond Films to Be Much Longer Due to 007 Passport Control Delays


The makers of the iconic James Bond movies have announced that they will be at least two hours longer in duration due to anticipated delays at passport control whenever the crack secret agent is assigned a mission at an exotic European locale.

A spokesman for Universal Pictures told newsmen: “Due to Britain’s forthcoming self-imposed isolation from the European Union, we now estimate that the movies will be a lot longer than was previously the case.

“We’ve had to factor in Bond being held up at customs by surly and resentful immigration staff, who, no doubt, will really take their time processing his documents.

“There’s also a pretty good chance that more time will be wasted when they take him behind a curtain and shove their fingers up his arse”

Brexit Secretary, Dominic Raab, hit back at the notion last night: “Yes the films may be a bit longer, but at least we’ll have blue passports again. Even if they are being made in France.

“Universal need to believe a bit more and stop talking the country down. Especially as it’s not their country.”

The next Bond blockbuster, Dr Non, is due out in January and features EU Chief Negotiator, Michel Barnier, as the crazed assassin, Oddjob.




Joan was born in Paddington in West London which is not far from Marylebone where my great-grandfather was born. It makes you wonder whether he may have occasionally treated her to a fish supper and an evening of dominos and heavy drinking at his flat in St Pancras doesn’t it? If he did, he certainly didn’t mention it to me, or my great-grandmother come to that – Ed



Stunt Doubles in the Latest Wonder Woman Movie Strongly Refute Steroid Abuse Allegations – Sexually Unsure Press Association.

Disclaimer – The Whitechapel Whelk in no way condones the abuse of hormone-boosting substances and distances itself from dressing up in women’s clothing. Except for Tuesday nights – Ed


tablet fanny by gaslight

More James Mason movies that can be utilised for cheap laffs as we get them.

Yasser Arafat rubbed salt into my flanks and then made me feel like a woman says Oprah Winfrey


It was all go with the PLO. Oprah pictured in ebullient mood last night


Award-winning actress and TV personality, Oprah Winfrey, has told a Whelk reporter that she enjoyed a saucy romp with the Palestinian leader, Yasser Arafat, in a bed and breakfast hotel in Limehouse, East London in 1985.

The 97-year-old chat show queen revealed that she met Arafat when she was holidaying in London after filming, The Colour Purple and he was taking a break from top-level summit talks with the Egyptians.

She went on to reveal, that prior to their lovemaking, the 85-year-old PLO leader rubbed rock salt into her flanks, telling her that it would make her “go like the absolute clappers”

“He was very insistent about the salt thing and I wasn’t going to argue. After all, the PLO was considered a terrorist organisation back then and I was scared that he might shoot me or bomb my car if I refused.

“In any case, Yasser was a very attractive man and I wanted to make him mine if I could. To be honest, I couldn’t wait for the off.

“After rubbing in the salt, he laid back naked and told me to “hop on board”

“Then, he just lay there motionless for well over an hour while I pleasured myself. His staying power was sensational.

“Finally, and completely out of the blue, his body tensed up and he began shouting, “salty, salty” over and over before pushing me off onto the floor.

“It was a magical night and one I shall never forget. It even changed my political stance and I found myself having a real down on the Israelis after that”

Ms Winfrey then grew tearful and ended the interview after revealing that Arafat had helped dry the dishes later that evening using his chequered scarf, or ‘shemagh’ for the purpose.

A banana a day could extend your lifespan by up to 10 minutes claims Dick Van Dyke


Veteran actor and soft-shoe shuffle specialist, Dick Van Dyke, has told journalists that eating just one banana a day could increase the lifespan of the average person by an astonishing 10 minutes.

Van Dyke, 132, told a press conference in Limehouse in East London: “I’ve done loads of experiments in my garage on this one using rabbits and a couple of Sumatran gibbons, and the results were absolutely conclusive.

“After giving them a banana a day for 2 weeks, all the rabbits lived up to 10 minutes longer and I fully expect the gibbons to do the same”

The Mary Poppins star has already achieved worldwide medical acclaim by discovering that drinking 8 litres of liquid paraffin a day followed by a lit match is a fast-acting remedy that provides welcome relief for people with impacted stools.

Disclaimer: No rabbits or gibbons were harmed during the writing of this report. A Tibetan llama was given a bit of a larruping mind. – Ed

‘Broken man’ Harvey Weinstein to run for president


Predator-in-Chief? Disgraced sex case, Harvey Weinstein pictured in need of a shave and a prison term last night


Disgraced movie mogul, Harvey Weinstein has told friends that he intends to run for the presidency against Donald Trump in 2020, in what is already being dubbed, The Battle of The Pussy Grabbers.

A close friend of Weinstein told The Whelk last night: “Since all these actresses started coming out of the woodwork accusing him of sexual misconduct, Harvey’s been pretty much a broken man.

“He realises his movie-making days are over and that a tilt at the presidency may be the only career path open to him at this time.

“As a lifelong Democrat, he has contacted Hillary Clinton for advice, but she’s not picking up her cell. Bill, on the other hand, has been very supportive and has offered to give Harvey a few pointers on running a successful campaign and picking the right kind of intern once elected.”

A White House press officer laughed off the proposed challenge last night: “A self-confessed sex offender running for the highest office in the land? Get out of here. You’re kidding me, right?”

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