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Local woman dismembered husband following ceiling-painting squabble

Ceiling_painting_of_the_Marble_Hall_-_Melk_Abbey_-_Austria

A 54-year-old woman was in hiding last night after revealing that she killed her husband by hitting him over the head with an iron bar and then dismembered his body in the bath after the two had fallen out over the correct method to employ when painting their bedroom ceiling.

Speaking to a Whelk reporter from an unknown location, Tracy Dell, a hairdresser and mother of six, said: “I told Toby that we should use sugar soap on the ceiling prior to painting to ensure a professional finish, but as usual he wanted to cut corners and just brush off any cobwebs before beginning the cutting-in around the cornices and light fittings.

“I just lost it and felled him with the pry bar that he’d been using to lever stray carpet nails from the floorboards prior to laying a new carpet.

“There’s no way he could have survived that, so I dragged him into the bathroom and dismembered him in the tub using an angle grinder.

“I’ve put the bits in black sacks and left them out with the food waste.

“Hopefully, the dustmen won’t notice and he’ll end up as swill on a pig farm somewhere”

It is estimated that in London and the South-East alone over two million married couples fight to the death over home decor disagreements every year.

Local man who axed, ‘indecisive twat’, at airport coffee bar walks free

Bloody-Axe

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday walked free from The Old Bailey after the presiding judge told the jury to deliver a ‘not guilty’ verdict on a charge of murder following the man’s fatal axe attack on a fellow customer at an Italian-style coffee bar at London City airport last October.

During his evidence, Toby Dell, a diesel-fitter from Vallance Road, told the court that he was queuing for a coffee at the Delta Pizzoria when he became annoyed that the man in front was dithering and pontificating before making a selection.

Dell then attacked the man with an axe, delivering a number of fatal blows before finally cutting off the man’s head and tossing it down the escalator into the baggage reclaim hall.

Dell told the jury: “Look, how hard is it to read the signboard, choose a coffee, tell the damn girl behind the counter what you want and pay for it?

“This indecisive twat seemed to want all day to make a perfectly simple choice so I axed him to death on the spot.

“It seemed like the most natural thing in the world”

Judge William Carter told the jury to dismiss the charge before addressing the court: “Mr Dell was clearly at the end of his rope and I for one don’t blame him for his actions.

“It would be a gross miscarriage of justice to further extend the defendant’s suffering and I am minded to award Mr Dell two hundred pounds out of the public purse for dispatching this utter throbber, who clearly delighted in getting on people’s tits”

The decision comes just two weeks after a woman from neighbouring Stepney was given an absolute discharge for garotting an old age pensioner in the queue for the checkout at a local Waitrose supermarket when the elderly woman began rummaging in her purse for money-off coupons as soon as she reached the till.

Local woman decapitated partner during break at ‘world’s most romantic’ holiday isle

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A 24-year-old woman from Whitechapel has been found guilty of murder in a Greek court of law after she shot her partner 6 times before decapitating his body and tossing his head out of a window in their apartment on the idyllic isle of Santorini.

Tracy Carter, a hairstylist, shot her lover, Toby Dell, 27, following a furious row over Mr Dell’s flirtatious behaviour towards a barmaid at the 5-star Aphrodite Hotel.

Ms Carter told the court that she lost her temper and shot her partner of 3-years after she spotted him tickling the barmaid under the chin when she came back from the poolside lavatories.

“I shot him and cut his head off because he betrayed me,” she said

“I threw his head out of the window hoping that the barmaid would see it and realise what she’d made me do, the little slut”

Dubbed one of the world’s most romantic holiday locations, Santorini is a mecca for sun-seeking lovers, looking to keep the spark in their relationship.

However, following this incident and another lover’s tiff last month which ended with a man being castrated in his sleep by his girlfriend, the island has slipped from top spot to number 5 in the latest rankings.

Hormonal woman slew husband with hatchet following tragic condensed milk error

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A 47-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London appeared at the Old Bailey yesterday accused of murdering her husband of 15-years with a hatchet after he had deliberately put condensed milk in her morning cup of coffee.

Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Leman Street, told the court that she was suffering from mood swings bought about by the onset of the menopause and that her husband’s condensed milk aberration had pushed her over the edge.

Under cross-examination, Mrs Dell said: “When I tasted that coffee I knew at once that he’d put condensed milk in it.

“He used to put it in his own and would often suggest I try it myself as he claimed it made it more creamy.

“Well, I wasn’t having that so I went for him with the hatchet.

“Fortunately, the first swing almost severed his head, so he didn’t really feel it when I hacked off his arms and legs

” Normally, I’d have just thrown the cup at him, but given that I was a bit hormonal I decided to kill him instead. In my view, he had it coming”.

The judge presiding, Justice Mary Jade, gave Mrs Dell an absolute discharge and told her in her summing up: “You acted out of character and were clearly a victim of a chemical imbalance.

“You are now free to leave the court. However, I would suggest that you make it plain to any future partner that you only take semi-skimmed with your hot beverages to avoid any future murderous attacks”

Mrs Dell was then driven away from court in a taxi with a reporter from the monthly periodical, The Menopausal Mayhem Bugle.

Local woman decapitated partner during break at ‘world’s most romantic’ holiday isle

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Santorini, the lover’s idyll where Mr Dell lost his heart and his head

A 24-year-old woman from Whitechapel has been found guilty of murder in a Greek court of law after she shot her partner 6 times before decapitating his body and tossing his head out of a window in their apartment on the idyllic isle of Santorini.

Tracy Carter, a hairstylist, shot her lover, Toby Dell, 27, following a furious row over Mr Dell’s flirtacious behaviour towards a barmaid at the 5-star Aphrodite Hotel.

Ms Carter told the court that she lost her temper and shot her partner of 3-years after she spotted him tickling the barmaid under the chin when she came back from the poolside lavatories.

“I shot him and cut his head off because he betrayed me,” she said

“I threw his head out of the window hoping that the barmaid would see it and realise what she’d made me do, the little slut”

Dubbed one of the world’s most romantic holiday locations, Santorini is a mecca for sun-seeking lovers, looking to keep the spark in their relationship.

However, following this incident and another lover’s tiff last month which ended with a man being castrated in his sleep by his girlfriend, the island has slipped from top spot to number 5 in the latest rankings.

Local man visibly slavers during machine gun fantasy about noisy supermarket family

tommy gun

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man found himself salivating during a trip to his local Lidl supermarket as he fantasised about scything down a noisy family in the shop with an old fashioned Tommy Gun.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, had to wipe flecks of drool from his chin as he mentally pumped the family of four with bullets during a sustained burst of gunfire.

Speaking to The Whelk, Mr Dell said: “This family had been annoying me from the moment I entered the shop

“The mother had a voice like a foghorn, the father wasn’t much better and the kids were screaming and shouting and running amok in the aisles.

“I just couldn’t seem to shake them off. Every aisle I visited they were there.

These people are the scum of the earth and deserve to die like the lowlife feral garbage that they truly are.

“When I got to the checkout there they were in front of me. The woman was arguing with the girl on the till and the husband was bawling at the screaming kids.

“It was then that I mentally sprayed them with a burst from a Tommy Gun, similar to the ones used by American mobsters in the old gangster flicks.

“I really gave it to them. I swung my weapon from side to side, hosing them down like dogs before standing over their twitching bodies, kicking each one in the head to make sure they were dead.

“I relished the fantasy so much I had to pull out a tissue to mop up the drool from my chin.

“I don’t think this makes me a bad person. Everybody has a breaking point for God’s sake.”

Last September, a man from neighbouring Stepney, told a local newspaper that he’d experienced a sensation almost on a par with a sexual climax as he fantasised about hacking at a woman with an ice pick after she’d parked too close to his car in a Waitrose car park.

Bride shuns wedding, blows up groom’s mother

A bride-to-be failed to show up at her own wedding last week, choosing instead to blow up her future mother-in-law using high explosives.

Tracy Dell, 22, from Whitechapel in East London told The Whelk that she’d reached the end of her tether due to the woman’s constant interference with the wedding arrangements.

“She was on my case, morning, noon and night,” she told us.

“If it wasn’t the guest list, the bridesmaid’s dresses, or the seating arrangements, she was banging on about my choice of food for the buffet.

“The last straw came when she told me to switch from being a Roman Catholic to a Jew so that she could make matzo balls and chicken soup for the reception.

“I looked up the ingredients and the method for bomb-making online, and on the morning of the wedding, left the device in her kitchen after calling in on the pretext of discussing the honeymoon arrangements.

“When I heard the explosion and looked back at her house in ruins it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders”

This latest incident comes just 2 weeks after a 23-year-old man from neighbouring Shoreditch bundled his 67-year-old future mother-in-law into the lion enclosure at London Zoo after the woman had criticised his choice of top hat for the big day.

Last surviving American beauty queen found murdered in secluded swamp

Executives at America’s, ID Channel, makers of the popular, Beauty Queen Murders series of programmes, have announced that the body of America’s last surviving beauty queen has now been discovered in an area of swampland near Tallahassee.

Since the early 1930s when beauty pageants first became popular, every successful entrant has been discovered dead at some point after taking the crown. Usually in a swampy region or a secluded beauty spot.

The longest surviving beauty queen was, Blanche Riordan from Montgomery Alabama, who made it to 32 before her body was found, partially-clothed, by a man out walking his dog in a local wooded area.

Becoming a beauty queen now carries with it a higher risk of death than tightrope-walking, bomb disposal, deep-sea fishing and being a British soldier in a battlefield with American troops to the rear.

CRIME DESK: Local woman killed partner who turned off Mr Blue Sky before the end

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Mr Carter pictured shortly after the attack

A Whitechapel woman murdered her boyfriend in cold blood after he switched off the radio at their home before the end of Mr Blue Sky by ELO, a court heard yesterday.

Tracy Dell, 42, attacked her live-in lover, Steven Carter, 47, with a pickaxe handle at their home in Vallance Road on December 23 last year.

“Dell’s barrister, Michael Higgins QC, told the court that Ms Dell lost control after Carter turned off the radio just before the soaring violin crescendo at the end and the subsequent vibrato vocal in which vocalist, Jeff Lynn, sings, ‘Mister Blue Sky’ in a tremulous voice.

“It’s her favourite bit” he explained to the jury. “Is it any wonder that she was filled with murderous rage? ”

Sentencing Dell to life with a 25-year recommendation, Judge William Shay QC, told her: “You are clearly a ruthless and dangerous woman who will resort to any lengths to listen to your favourite bits at the end of records, including cold-blooded murder”

Dell’s crime mirrors that of a 32-year-old woman from neighbouring Cripplegate, who murdered her husband with a hatchet last year after he began talking during the introduction to Wilson Picket’s classic, In The Midnight Hour.

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