A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he was extremely disappointed when he failed to discover the body of a murder victim while out walking his new puppy at the weekend.
Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Vallance Road, told us: “I was really looking forward to taking the dog out for his first walk since we bought him and discovering a partially-clothed dead body in some dense undergrowth after the dog had run in to investigate.
“However, after spending over an hour in Mile End Park, going close to all the undergrowth I could find, I came back home without stumbling across a single grisly murder scene.
“I was really looking forward to discovering a mutilated corpse and calling the cops to report it.
“I could have been interviewed on BBC London News by that Alice Bandrakarvy or one of her colleagues, so I’m pretty gutted to be honest.
“If this continues for much longer I’ll get rid of the dog or get the missus to take it out for a shit in future”
Statistics show that 98 per cent of murder victims are discovered by dog-walkers, usually after the owner has accidentally thrown the dog’s ball into a densely wooded area or thick undergrowth.