Local dog-walker ‘gutted’ after failure to stumble on grisly murder scene

Dense undergrowth, typical of the type of area where dogs discover human remains

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he was extremely disappointed when he failed to discover the body of a murder victim while out walking his new puppy at the weekend.

Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Vallance Road, told us: “I was really looking forward to taking the dog out for his first walk since we bought him and discovering a partially-clothed dead body in some dense undergrowth after the dog had run in to investigate.

“However, after spending over an hour in Mile End Park, going close to all the undergrowth I could find, I came back home without stumbling across a single grisly murder scene.

“I was really looking forward to discovering a mutilated corpse and calling the cops to report it.

“I could have been interviewed on BBC London News by that Alice Bandrakarvy or one of her colleagues, so I’m pretty gutted to be honest.

“If this continues for much longer I’ll get rid of the dog or get the missus to take it out for a shit in future”

Statistics show that 98 per cent of murder victims are discovered by dog-walkers, usually after the owner has accidentally thrown the dog’s ball into a densely wooded area or thick undergrowth.

Slain shop worker who varied speed of floor polisher ‘had it coming’, says accused local man

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told an Old Bailey jury that he killed an employee in his local Lidl supermarket by beating him over the head with a can of corned beef after the worker had annoyed him by varying the speed of his floor polishing machine as he approached from behind.

Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Commercial Street, told the court.

“I was walking along the fruit and veg aisle when I heard the humming of the polishing machine behind me.

“I immediately became annoyed because I realised that I would have to manoeuvre my trolley to one side of the aisle to allow this individual to get past.

“However, instead of just getting it over with, he kept pushing the machine fairly close and then slowing down again.

“I took this as a deliberate attempt to harass me and turned around to confront the man and have it out with him there and then.

“To my utter fury, he had gone through a gap in the counters and had started polishing the aisle adjacent to the one I was standing in.

“At this point, I lost control. I seized a tin of Newgate, Argentinian corned beef from the shelf and started beating him over the head with it.

“It was never really my intention to kill him even though he had it coming as far as I was concerned.

“In my view, floor cleaning should be done outside of opening hours to spare innocent shoppers from undergoing the kind of trauma I was subjected to.”

Dell was found guilty by unanimous verdict and sentenced to life imprisonment with a recommendation that he serves a minimum of twenty-five years.

As he was led from the dock, Dell struggled with police officers and yelled: “He’s lucky we weren’t in the fresh baked bread area or I’d have shoved his head in the f*****g oven”

Local man who left supermarket trolley slewed across aisle found slain

Police made a grisly discovery around the back of a branch of a supermarket in Whitechapel last night after a woman reported what she thought was a body lying in a loading bay.

The body of a 54-year-old man with multiple stab wounds was later removed from the scene and taken to a local morgue for forensic examination.

The woman who found the body told a Whelk reporter that she recognised the deceased as a man who had previously caused a rowdy scene in the supermarket earlier that day by leaving his trolley slewed across an aisle while he perused the shelves for purchases.

Tracy Dell, 52, said: “This bloke seemed to think it was perfectly ok to block the aisle with his trolley while he faffed about looking for stuff on the shelves.

“People were getting really cheesed off, including my husband Toby, who told him he was going to wait for him outside and give him a good clumping.

“It looks like somebody beat him to it, although I haven’t been able to tell Toby about it yet as he’s gone on holiday to The Faroe Islands.

“I wouldn’t mind but he didn’t even ask me to come. He just said he was going on a whim and to tell the police he was dead if they came round asking questions.”

This latest incident comes just two weeks after a 40-year-old Shoreditch man was decapitated with a hatchet at the checkout by an angry customer who had become fed up with waiting for the dead man to find his money-off coupons while paying at the till.

My hatred for dithering old lady in post office exceeded that of Achilles towards Hector, says local man

 

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that the naked and unfettered hatred he felt towards an elderly lady who kept him waiting in line at the post office exceeded the burning loathing that the Ancient Greek hero, Achilles, felt towards Hector, after the Trojan hero had slain Achilles’ beloved cousin, Patrocles.

Toby Dell, a diesel-fitter from Commercial Street, told us: “I had been in that queue for half an hour at least and had just got to the front, apart from this old lady who started dithering at the counter.

“She seemed to have forgotten what she came in for and was quizzing the woman at the counter as to what it could be.

“I felt this towering rage building inside of me along with the realisation that I wanted this old biddy dead and fast.

“I knew it was wrong but at that point my murderous rage was far in excess of that felt by mighty Achilles towards Hector after finding out that the Trojan warrior had slain Patrocles in battle and stolen his armour.

“Make no mistake, if I’d had a sword and chariot handy, I would cheerfully have hacked the old trout to death and then tethered her naked body to the back axle with a length of rawhide and dragged her around the Whitechapel boundary to express my hatred for her and to disrespect her corpse before her loved ones”

In 1987, a 45-year-old woman from Spitalfields, ensnared an elderly local man in a net as he sat in the tub and then stabbed him multiple times, in a grim reconstruction of the slaying of Agamemnon by his unfaithful wife, Clytemnestra, when the frail pensioner kept her waiting in the supermarket queue after insisting on paying at the checkout with money-off coupons

Local woman dismembered husband following ceiling-painting squabble

A 54-year-old woman was in hiding last night after revealing that she killed her husband by hitting him over the head with an iron bar and then dismembered his body in the bath after the two had fallen out over the correct method to employ when painting their bedroom ceiling.

Speaking to a Whelk reporter from an unknown location, Tracy Dell, a hairdresser and mother of six, said: “I told Toby that we should use sugar soap on the ceiling prior to painting to ensure a professional finish, but as usual he wanted to cut corners and just brush off any cobwebs before beginning the cutting-in around the cornices and light fittings.

“I just lost it and felled him with the pry bar that he’d been using to lever stray carpet nails from the floorboards prior to laying a new carpet.

“There’s no way he could have survived that, so I dragged him into the bathroom and dismembered him in the tub using an angle grinder.

“I’ve put the bits in black sacks and left them out with the food waste.

“Hopefully, the dustmen won’t notice and he’ll end up as swill on a pig farm somewhere”

It is estimated that in London and the South-East alone over two million married couples fight to the death over home decor disagreements every year.

Local man who axed, ‘indecisive twat’, at airport coffee bar walks free

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday walked free from The Old Bailey after the presiding judge told the jury to deliver a ‘not guilty’ verdict on a charge of murder following the man’s fatal axe attack on a fellow customer at an Italian-style coffee bar at London City airport last October.

During his evidence, Toby Dell, a diesel-fitter from Vallance Road, told the court that he was queuing for a coffee at the Delta Pizzoria when he became annoyed that the man in front was dithering and pontificating before making a selection.

Dell then attacked the man with an axe, delivering a number of fatal blows before finally cutting off the man’s head and tossing it down the escalator into the baggage reclaim hall.

Dell told the jury: “Look, how hard is it to read the signboard, choose a coffee, tell the damn girl behind the counter what you want and pay for it?

“This indecisive twat seemed to want all day to make a perfectly simple choice so I axed him to death on the spot.

“It seemed like the most natural thing in the world”

Judge William Carter told the jury to dismiss the charge before addressing the court: “Mr Dell was clearly at the end of his rope and I for one don’t blame him for his actions.

“It would be a gross miscarriage of justice to further extend the defendant’s suffering and I am minded to award Mr Dell two hundred pounds out of the public purse for dispatching this utter throbber, who clearly delighted in getting on people’s tits”

The decision comes just two weeks after a woman from neighbouring Stepney was given an absolute discharge for garotting an old age pensioner in the queue for the checkout at a local Waitrose supermarket when the elderly woman began rummaging in her purse for money-off coupons as soon as she reached the till.

Local woman decapitated partner during break at ‘world’s most romantic’ holiday isle

A 24-year-old woman from Whitechapel has been found guilty of murder in a Greek court of law after she shot her partner 6 times before decapitating his body and tossing his head out of a window in their apartment on the idyllic isle of Santorini.

Tracy Carter, a hairstylist, shot her lover, Toby Dell, 27, following a furious row over Mr Dell’s flirtatious behaviour towards a barmaid at the 5-star Aphrodite Hotel.

Ms Carter told the court that she lost her temper and shot her partner of 3-years after she spotted him tickling the barmaid under the chin when she came back from the poolside lavatories.

“I shot him and cut his head off because he betrayed me,” she said

“I threw his head out of the window hoping that the barmaid would see it and realise what she’d made me do, the little slut”

Dubbed one of the world’s most romantic holiday locations, Santorini is a mecca for sun-seeking lovers, looking to keep the spark in their relationship.

However, following this incident and another lover’s tiff last month which ended with a man being castrated in his sleep by his girlfriend, the island has slipped from top spot to number 5 in the latest rankings.

Hormonal woman slew husband with hatchet following tragic condensed milk error

A 47-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London appeared at the Old Bailey yesterday accused of murdering her husband of 15-years with a hatchet after he had deliberately put condensed milk in her morning cup of coffee.

Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Leman Street, told the court that she was suffering from mood swings bought about by the onset of the menopause and that her husband’s condensed milk aberration had pushed her over the edge.

Under cross-examination, Mrs Dell said: “When I tasted that coffee I knew at once that he’d put condensed milk in it.

“He used to put it in his own and would often suggest I try it myself as he claimed it made it more creamy.

“Well, I wasn’t having that so I went for him with the hatchet.

“Fortunately, the first swing almost severed his head, so he didn’t really feel it when I hacked off his arms and legs

” Normally, I’d have just thrown the cup at him, but given that I was a bit hormonal I decided to kill him instead. In my view, he had it coming”.

The judge presiding, Justice Mary Jade, gave Mrs Dell an absolute discharge and told her in her summing up: “You acted out of character and were clearly a victim of a chemical imbalance.

“You are now free to leave the court. However, I would suggest that you make it plain to any future partner that you only take semi-skimmed with your hot beverages to avoid any future murderous attacks”

Mrs Dell was then driven away from court in a taxi with a reporter from the monthly periodical, The Menopausal Mayhem Bugle.

Local woman decapitated partner during break at ‘world’s most romantic’ holiday isle

Santorini, the lover’s idyll where Mr Dell lost his heart and his head

A 24-year-old woman from Whitechapel has been found guilty of murder in a Greek court of law after she shot her partner 6 times before decapitating his body and tossing his head out of a window in their apartment on the idyllic isle of Santorini.

Tracy Carter, a hairstylist, shot her lover, Toby Dell, 27, following a furious row over Mr Dell’s flirtacious behaviour towards a barmaid at the 5-star Aphrodite Hotel.

Ms Carter told the court that she lost her temper and shot her partner of 3-years after she spotted him tickling the barmaid under the chin when she came back from the poolside lavatories.

“I shot him and cut his head off because he betrayed me,” she said

“I threw his head out of the window hoping that the barmaid would see it and realise what she’d made me do, the little slut”

Dubbed one of the world’s most romantic holiday locations, Santorini is a mecca for sun-seeking lovers, looking to keep the spark in their relationship.

However, following this incident and another lover’s tiff last month which ended with a man being castrated in his sleep by his girlfriend, the island has slipped from top spot to number 5 in the latest rankings.