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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

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Entire staff and pupils of local school have seen each other’s genitals online

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Staff and pupils at Whitechapel Academy pictured with their underpants on, although we can’t vouch for those at the back.

It was revealed yesterday, that all the staff and pupils at a secondary school in East London have at one time seen each other’s genitalia on various social media platforms such as Snapchat and WhatsApp.

The school newspaper, The Whitechapel Academy Bugle, made the findings after an intensive survey carried out over 12 weeks.

The paper’s editor-in-chief, Toby Dell, 16, revealed: ‘It’s absolutely normal for kids to post pics of their cocks and growlers online these days and for them to be passed around the school, but we were a bit surprised to find the staff were at it too.

“In fact, some of the younger staff members were in pretty decent nick it has to be said.

“Miss Wickstead, the PE mistress had a cracking set of bangers on her, as did, Mrs Parkes, the art teacher, although, to be honest, she could do with trimming that quim a tad.”

The Headteacher, Terence Carter, 63, has now resigned his post after being subjected to online bullying from a number of parents who were less than impressed by the size of his cock.

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CRIME DESK: Local woman killed partner who turned off Mr Blue Sky before the end

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Mr Carter pictured shortly after the attack

A Whitechapel woman murdered her boyfriend in cold blood after he switched off the radio at their home before the end of Mr Blue Sky by ELO, a court heard yesterday.

Tracy Dell, 42, attacked her live-in lover, Steven Carter, 47, with a pickaxe handle at their home in Vallance Road on December 23 last year.

“Dell’s barrister, Michael Higgins QC, told the court that Ms Dell lost control after Carter turned off the radio just before the soaring violin crescendo at the end and the subsequent vibrato vocal in which vocalist, Jeff Lynn, sings, ‘Mister Blue Sky’ in a tremulous voice.

“It’s her favourite bit” he explained to the jury. “Is it any wonder that she was filled with murderous rage? ”

Sentencing Dell to life with a 25-year recommendation, Judge William Shay QC, told her: “You are clearly a ruthless and dangerous woman who will resort to any lengths to listen to your favourite bits at the end of records, including cold-blooded murder”

Dell’s crime mirrors that of a 32-year-old woman from neighbouring Cripplegate, who murdered her husband with a hatchet last year after he began talking during the introduction to Wilson Picket’s classic, In The Midnight Hour.

BREXIT LATEST: Concerns grow as Theresa May masturbates during crisis meeting

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Are the cracks beginning to show? Prime Minister May pictured just hours before her public hand shandy

Concerns over Prime Minister Theresa May’s mental health were growing last night as reports emerged that she had masturbated to completion during yesterday’s emergency Cabinet meeting called to thrash out a way forward in the Brexit crisis.

A Downing Street insider told The Whelk: “The Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay, had just proposed that the Prime Minister should abandon plans to give Parliament a fourth chance to adopt her withdrawal agreement in favour of a cross-party package based on Monday’s indicative votes.

“This seemed to unsettle her to some extent and it was at this point that she began to masturbate furiously.

“Initially, it was a fairly discreet, under the table affair, but then, as her excitement grew, she became more frenzied and threw herself to the floor and started going at it full pelt. You could see everything, to be honest.

“One or two ministers left the room in disgust at this point, but Andrea Leadsom tried to restore the PM’s dignity by covering her lower half with a table cloth so you couldn’t see her growler.

“I suppose it took her about a minute to finally blow her custard, after which, she just got up and began discussing a possible deal involving a revised customs union as if nothing had happened”

This incident mirrors the infamous 1967 occasion when Labour Prime Minister, Harold Wilson, got his cock out during Prime Minister’s Question Time in The House of Commons and blasted huge wads of scalding spadge all over The Mace.

I’ll kick The Queen’s head in if she flees London post-Brexit says, Kim Kardashian

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A clearly furious Kardashian pictured earlier

Following recent press rumours, media personality, Kim Kardashian, has vowed to “kick the Queen’s fucking head in” if she evacuates the capital in the event of civil unrest following a no-deal Brexit.

Speaking to newsmen yesterday, the Keeping Up With The Kardashians star, explained.

“If I find out The Queen has abandoned her loyal subjects during post-Brexit riots, you can stand on me that I will find her in her royal bolthole and kick her fucking head in”

This is not the first time the controversial star has threatened a leading British public figure.

In 2018, she told Hello magazine that if TV personality, Piers Morgan didn’t stop being such an irritating twat on his morning show she was going to “knee him right in the Niagras”

New Year’s Honours Bombshell: Lulu to receive knighthood

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The singer pictured at The London Palladium in 1901

In a surprise move, Her Majesty The Queen has given her blessing for the bestowal of a knighthood on Scottish pop icon, Lulu.

The 107-year-old Shout singer will become, Sir Lulu of The Lake, and will be given a small castle and a problem council estate on the outskirts of her beloved Arbroath.

She spoke to newsmen from outside her home in Bermondsey in South London last night: “Well you know I feel…ALLLLLLLL RIIIIIIIIIIGHT!” she said

There was another shock in this year’s New Years Honours list when it was announced that pop icon, Olly Murs, is to receive an MBE for allowing his massive face to be used as a car park during the 2012 London Olympics.

Yuletide Songs For Intellectuals

THIS WEEK: Do They Know It’s Christmas – Band-Aid.

ALTOGETHER NOW!…

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No bum notes were hit by any of the artists during the recording of this meme…apart from Francis Rossi out of Status Quo who was as pissed as a parrot as usual – Ed

 

BREXIT & THE ARTS

 

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We just received a notification that a new editor will soon be coming to WordPress to ‘improve our layout’. Does this mean I’ll be out of a job? – Old editor.

ARTS GRATIA ARSEHATS

jacob xmas carols

For those unfamiliar with the British political scene and the current Brexit machinations that are making us all slump face down into the soup course, Rees-Mogg is a privileged, feeble-minded, Old Etonian twat and backbench Conservative MP who used to stand for the National Anthem when he was alone in his study at school, and is still living in the Britain of Admiral Lord Nelson and The Duke of Wellington, and who ardently believes it will be in the countries best interests to crash out of the Brexit negotiations with absolutely no deal on the table, despite being warned against it by the Governor of The Bank of England (whom he attacked yesterday for having the temerity to be a Canadian), and also Her Majesty’s Treasury, who reported that a no-deal Brexit would be ‘catastrophic’ and somewhat akin to throwing ourselves from The White Cliffs of Dover into a sea, boiling with hungry piranhas and female Great White Sharks suffering from acute pre-menstrual tension.

In short, this fool is an industrial strength, mewling pencil with blancmange for brains. Think Donald Trump in a top hat and tails.

Merry Christmas – Ed

PS: Many thanks to our fragrant and long-suffering graphics editor, Sofia, who toiled long and hard to make my own pathetic mock-up look a lot more presentable. Thank you, my lovely.

5 Things You May Not Know About Freddie Mercury

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1: Freddie wasn’t his real name. He was born Hymie Finklestein to Muslim parents in Southend-On-Sea in Essex

2: He was the lead singer in the pop group, Queen

3: He was gay but kept it a secret. Not even his hundreds of male lovers knew

4: Freddie holds the world record for blowing up balloons. He once blew up over 3 thousand of those long sausage-shaped ones in just 25 minutes

5: He died a few years back which is why you don’t see him on telly anymore

NEXT WEEK: 10 remarkable things about Donald Trump, including the fact that he’s  a weapons-grade fuckwit

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