Ask Danny Dumplings: The TV Chef and Overly-Violent Marriage Guidance Guru You Can Trust

Pic by ‘Inchcock’ ©

Dear Danny

I’m a 25-year-old recently married woman. However, I suspect my husband is cheating on me with a local dominatrix.

He constantly rejects me in bed and I’ve recently noticed a number of livid weals on his back that look as if they’ve been caused by a whip of some description.

My suspicions were aroused the other day when I found a business card in his trouser pocket advertising the services of a woman in a leather catsuit calling herself Annabelle Anguish.

He has also converted the garden shed into a makeshift dungeon and spends hours in there, hanging upside down lashed to a cross.

I’ve tried talking to him about saving our marriage but I can’t understand his replies as his voice is indistinct through his PVC gimp mask and ball-gag.

Please help if you can Danny as I still love him despite the fact that he’s become a weapons-grade sicko whose disgusting practices make me want to throw up.

Tracy Dell

Whitechapel E1

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Dear Tracy

Try making him one of my speciality bread and butter puddings – the recipe can be found on my website – then, while he’s tucking into the delicious dessert, force a spiked rolling pin into his bottom until you can no longer see the handle.

If that doesn’t put him off the sado-masochistic lifestyle then I don’t know what will.

Kind Regards

Danny Dumplings

Danny Dumplings is the acting vice-chairman of The East London Grievous Bodily Gourmet Association

Ask Ted Threesome: The Sexually Insane Whitechapel Gardening Consultant

Dear Ted

The wife and I have planted some geraniums (pelargoniums) in pots. They all have a flower bud, but someone told me to cut out the first bud to get more blooms for the rest of the year. Is this right?

Toby and Tracy Dell
Whitechapel
London W1

*******************

Dear Toby and Tracy

Have you ever done it in the potting shed where people can see you? I bet you have, you saucy bleeders!

It’s the excitement of being discovered, isn’t it? I bet you and Tracy are going at it full pelt right now aren’t you? Let’s webcam!

Do you enjoy being restrained Toby? Does Tracy lash you to the bed with thick gardening twine and then push phallic-shaped root vegetables up your bottom? I bet she does, the filthy little slut! Webcam me!

Do you want me to send you pics of me pleasuring myself on my allotment? I want Tracy to sneer at the size of my pathetic manhood on webcam! Christ, I’m close!

PS.  Yes, I would remove the first flower bud(s) to allow the plants to put their energy into root growth and getting established. That way you’ll get a much better display throughout summer, if you’ll pardon the expression.

All the very best you two and enjoy your garden!

Ted.

Ted Threesome is the sub/dom-editor of Popular Gardening & Extreme Bestiality Monthly

Ted Threesome: The Sexually Insane Gardening Consultant

Dear Ted

I’ve been unable to work due to the pandemic, but every cloud has a silver lining and this has enabled me to spend more time growing fruit and veg at my allotment.

My question is about onions. I was thinking about planting in the next day or two, but given that the weather looks very dry for the foreseeable future and I can’t get down there to water every day should I hold off for a week or two for the April showers to make an appearance?

Toby Dell
Whitechapel

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Dear Toby

Have you and your wife ever had it off in your shed on the allotment?

I bet you have, you filthy sods

Did the thought of being overheard or spotted thrill you and intensify your excitement?

Have you ever introduced fruit or veg into your sex play? The odd courgette or overripe plum?

Does your wife wear anything under her gardening dungarees? Is she going commando while weeding the pumpkin bed, the brazen little trollop?

Have you ever filmed yourselves doing it while other gardeners watch? Christ, I’d pay good money to see that!

Were you wearing any when you wrote your query? If so, what colour were they?

Now, with regard to onions. They like a fair bit of watering after the initial planting to encourage growth so I’d leave it until the spring showers are well and truly underway if I were you.

All the best and happy growing

Ted

Ted Threesome is vice chairman of the South East London Growers and Extreme Outdoor Bondage Society

Classic literature and its part in our castigation

Following the recent publication of a previous SIHOTP gag elsewhere, the editor of the magazine concerned received a number of complaints about poor taste and depravity, with one poor woman wailing that the piece had made her, “sick to my stomach”

So with this in mind, we have redoubled our efforts and will now be turning these out just as fast as we can come up with them.

We will, however, be offering readers a free bottle of Milk of Magnesia in the event of any stomach-related issues which may result. – Ed

Ask Ted Threesome: The Sexually Insane Whitechapel Gardening Consultant

Dear Ted

The wife and I have planted some geraniums (pelargoniums) in pots. They all have a flower bud, but someone told me to cut out the first bud to get more blooms for the rest of the year. Is this right?

Toby and Tracy Dell
Whitechapel
London W1

*******************

Dear Toby and Tracy

Have you ever done it in the potting shed where people can see you? I bet you have, you saucy bleeders!

It’s the excitement of being discovered, isn’t it? I bet you and Tracy are going at it full pelt right now aren’t you? Let’s webcam!

Do you enjoy being restrained Toby? Does Tracy lash you to the bed with thick gardening twine and then push phallic-shaped root vegetables up your bottom? I bet she does, the filthy little slut! Webcam me!

Do you want me to send you pics of me pleasuring myself on my allotment? I want Tracy to sneer at the size of my pathetic manhood on webcam! Christ, I’m close!

PS.  Yes, I would remove the first flower bud(s) to allow the plants to put their energy into root growth and getting established. That way you’ll get a much better display throughout summer, if you’ll pardon the expression.

All the very best you two and enjoy your garden!

Ted.

Ted Threesome is the sub/dom-editor of Popular Gardening & Extreme Bestiality Monthly

Dr Who to introduce paedophile Dalek in new Autumn series

Following on from yesterday’s announcement that a lesbian character is to be Dr Who’s new assistant, The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that the popular sci-fi children’s show will be introducing a controversial paedophile Dalek character in the next series of adventures beginning later this year.

The iconic robotic baddie will not only be hellbent on destroying Earth but will also harbour disturbing sexual thoughts towards young children.

A spokesperson for the show told us: “We realise this is groundbreaking and even controversial, but we think it’s important that we move with the times and represent a broad cross-section of society and if that means introducing a paedo Dalek then so be it.

“Of course, you won’t see it doing any actual paeding, it’ll be implied more than portrayed. The top bit with the eye sticking out will start spinning round rapidly, while the sink plunger bit that sticks out the front will start going up and down like the clappers when little kids are on the scene, that sort of thing.”

Dr Who fans have given a guarded reaction to the move. A spokesman for The Dr Who Appreciation League, said last night: “We’re all in favour of change and of keeping the storylines fresh and relevant but we feel it might be a bit soon to introduce child abuse into the plots.

“Perhaps they should work up to it gradually by having a couple of adult baby Cybermen wearing big nappies, or perhaps they could make The Master out to be one of those weirdos that gets off on drinking piss. A bit like Donald Trump.”

Editor’s Note: The Whitechapel Whelk abhors the abuse of children and fully supports the idea of castrating those who perpetrate it with a rusty bread knife, so anyone who thinks we are making light of a thoroughly distressing subject is missing the point entirely and will be instructed to fuck off in very short order indeed. Have a nice day.

Russian perverts the ‘most depraved in the world’ boasts Putin

 

A Russian chartered account pictured at work yesterday

 

 

From our former Soviet Union and extreme bondage correspondent, Danny SoZ

Russian president, Vladimir Putin, has followed up his boast about Russian prostitutes being the world’s finest by claiming that his country’s sexual deviants are also without equal.

In a televised statement last night, Mr Putin said. “When it comes to sheer, unfettered depravity, our heroic perverts leave the rest of the world standing.

“There are no nauseating depths to which our Russian sickos will not sink to gratify their foul lusts. Their utter depravity knows absolutely no bounds. They unflinchingly indulge in troilism, pederasty, extreme bondage, scatology, bestiality, and necrophiliac cannibalism, to name but a few.

“However, they do draw the line at watersports. There are limits after all”

Mr Putin’s claim is set to upset a number of British public schools who can boast some of the most twisted deviants in history down the years; including Scott Of The Antarctic, Mary Berry, Murray Walker, Piers Morgan, and James Wilmott-Brown out of Eastenders.