jo whelk meme


Dear Whitechapel Whelk

I spent last Sunday morning enjoying the wonderful spectacle of The London Marathon and was filled with admiration for all the thousands of people prepared to put themselves through the pain barrier in order to raise money for worthy causes.

Imagine my fury, therefore, when I spotted a number of so-called athletes completing the distance whilst comfortably seated in chairs with wheels attached.

These sluggards and stay-a-beds should be brought to book by the organisers and should never be allowed to compete again in my view. No wonder they’re starting to call our once-proud nation “Broken Britain”

Marvin Pistorius

The Azores.


Dear Whitechapel Whelk

I’m not a bigoted man but I’d strongly advise the president of The United States to change the name of his country retreat from Camp David to something a bit more manly.

How on earth does he expect despotic world leaders to mend their ways when he invites them for talks at a place with such a gay name?

I suggest he calls it Butch Brad, Assertive Al or No-Nonsense Mr Knuckles, or something along those lines.

Yours etc

Big Bill Pantyhose

San Francisco


Dear Whitechapel Whelk

Old people. Invest in a set of novelty, clattering teeth and use them to ‘pre-chew’ tough bits of meat before putting them in your mouth.

Ann Fuck



Dear Whitechapel Whelk

I managed to fool my next door neighbours into thinking I’m a crazed psychotic killer yesterday by smashing my way into their home with an axe in the early hours of the morning and slaughtering them all in their beds.

The gullible fools didn’t suspect a thing.

Marvin Shoehorn



Dear Whitechapel Whelk

What a con these so-called final demand bills are. They’re not final at all. In fact, when I ignore them, I get another one shortly afterwards asking for even more money.   Where’s the fairness or finality in that then?

Bob Vaginal-Dryness

Dar Es Salaam


Dear Whitechapel Whelk

I’m a keen motorsports fan and I’ve managed to recreate all the thrills and spills of being a top Formula 1 driver by wearing flameproof overalls and a crash helmet while playing with my Scalextric motor racing set.

For added authenticity, I set fire to myself and get my wife to smash me over the head with a frying pan whenever my car comes off the track while cornering.

Teddy Sexbeast

Wapping Dock