Search

Tag

lifestyle

BREAKING: Amazon rain forest to be replanted on Olly Murs’ big face

olly meme

The fire-ravaged Amazon rain forest is to be replanted on the enormous face of British pop icon, Olly Murs, it was announced last night.

A spokesman for the Brazilian government told a news conference in the capital, Brazilia: “We’ve decided to leave the present rain forest to burn and plant a new one on Olly Murs’s big face.

“We’ve spoken to Olly and he’s agreed to lie down alongside the old rain forest while a team of tree-planters move in and plant millions of saplings on his face.

“We estimate that by 2040, we’ll have at least three million square kilometres of new trees on his massive forehead with another two million or so on his chin.

“We’re going to leave the area around his eyebrows and that bit under his nose so that monkeys don’t cause him discomfort by having a shit in his eyes and mouth”

If successful, this project will rank as the most ambitious ecological rescue act since The Great Barrier Reef was protected from further pollution damage in 2012 by being completely covered with a pair of Simon Cowell’s gigantic, high-waisted trousers.

Whitechapel Funerals Present: The Undignitarse, Buttock Display Coffin of Hope

Australian Cedar coffin design, by LifeArt, is an environmentall
We at The Whitechapel Funeral Parlour are delighted to give you this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your arse on display to all and sundry after your death.

 
The Undignitarse Peek-A-Boo Buttock Display Coffin of Hope is a lovingly crafted and uniquely designed coffin that will ensure that grieving friends and relatives will be afforded a first-class view of your arse before you are taken to your final resting place.

 
Each coffin is fitted with a viewing aperture, which can be pre-ordered by you, or requested by your family, so that even the biggest arse can be fully displayed.

 
We even offer a full complimentary arse-shaving and tag nut removal service to ensure that your arse looks absolutely pristine and is free of unsightly ‘cling-ons’ when it is put on public display.

 
Retailing at just £3567.89, The Undignitarse is unbeatable value for the terminally ill and suicidal alike; or even for the forward-thinking individual who just want to make sure their loved ones and acquaintances can have a really good look at their arse before they are either laid to rest or put into an incinerator.

 
Here’s a testimonial from just one of our satisfied mourners:

 
‘My wife had an absolutely massive arse, so I wasn’t sure that The Undignitarse was for me. But, thanks to the skilled craftsmen at The Whitechapel Funeral Parlour who put a 3-foot square window in her coffin, the entire family was able to have a really good look at both of her gigantic cheeks before she was buried. Thanks, Whitechapel Funeral Parlour!’  Toby Dell, Cripplegate, East London.

 
Order your Undignitarse today and get a free brochure detailing our wide range of revealing caskets; including the iconic ‘Cock Flasher’, and for the ladies, the ever-popular ‘Flange Mate’

Boris butchered and ate Number 10 cat says Downing Street insider

larry
Minced Moggie? Larry pictured during happier times before he was killed and eaten by the PM

A senior civil servant and government advisor at the Cabinet Office last night told The Whelk that he believes that Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, killed the popular Downing Street cat, Larry, and later ate the creature in his bedroom during a ‘midnight feast’

Sir Tobias Dell CBE, told us: “The PM has never been a cat lover apparently, and I often used to catch him giving Larry the odd kick in the hallway whenever it came up to greet him after he’d arrived home.

“A few nights back, I heard a loud commotion coming from the kitchen area and upon entering, saw the PM holding a butcher’s cleaver.

“He was sweating profusely and had blood spatter on his shirt and tie.

“He looked pretty sheepish and muttered something about making himself a steak tartar sandwich before hurrying off up to his room.

“After he’d gone, I examined the chopping board and found tufts of what appeared to be cat fur and a number of whiskers.

“Since that evening, I have seen no sign of Larry, and I’m fairly certain that the Prime Minister ate the creature’s remains raw in his bedroom around midnight that night.”

This latest revelation evokes grim memories of the dietary antics of the late 18th century Prime Minister, William Pitt The Younger, who would often stalk squirrels in the garden at the rear of Downing Street where he would tear the hapless creatures apart with his bare hands and wolf them down behind the gardener’s tool shed, often washing them down with 5 or 6 quart bottles of Ind Coope Best Bitter.

I blew my kids’ inheritance on fancy shaving products says local woman

See the source image
Taylor’s. Just one of the exclusive gentleman’s grooming outlets that Mrs Dell has blown her kids’ money in.

 

A 54-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she has squandered her entire life savings of 53 thousand pounds on various shaving products, including; post-shave oil; scented shaving soaps and creams; aftershave balms; and various razors; from ivory-handled cut-throat style, to mahogany safety razors, all purchased from top-of-the-range stores like Taylor of Old Bond Street, Truefitt and Hill of Mayfair and Sweyn Forkbeard of Camden.

Tracy Dell, a doctors receptionist and married mother of 6, told us: “I began shaving my face when I was around 9-years-old and have always loved the fresh tang that follows a really close shave with a straight razor, or even a double edge safety razor when I’m pressed for time.

“I usually take around half an hour to complete a good close shave, from building a rich lather using a top-quality tallow-based soap in a scuttle, to the final close pass of the blade, going against the grain of my beard growth.

“I tried growing a beard once but I hated it. My face felt dirty and itchy and my husband complained of soreness around his inner thighs after oral sex.

“The fact that I’ve blown the kids’ inheritance on shaving gear doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

“I’m a firm believer that they need to stand on their own two feet and work hard to buy their own damn shaving gear, especially the two girls”

Mrs Dell has requested that her fee for this interview is transferred directly into her bank so that she can blow it on a late 19th-century, bone-handled, 5/8″ Sheffield steel, cut-throat razor and leather strop that she’s spotted in an antique store in St Pancras.

Boris Calls For Return of Public Hanging

boris
“Hang some sense into ’em!” Boris pictured campaigning in Surrey last night

In what is being seen as a bid to upstage his fellow prime ministerial hopeful, Jeremy Hunt, Boris Johnson yesterday told a local Conservative Party association that one of the first things he would do as PM would be to reintroduce public hanging.

Speaking in Dorking in Surrey, Johnson told members: “Public hanging is part of our urban culture and heritage and the sooner it’s back on the statute books the better.

“I would move to have the initial hangings carried out outside The Old Bailey, like they used to be in the good old days, with a view to building a public gallows in every major city in the land.

“Revenue would be raised by selling tickets to these events with special discounts for those in the upper tax brackets”

Hunt, who yesterday said he would move to bring back foxhunting, responded by vowing to implement a return to sending little boys up chimneys and to reintroduce keelhauling and the lash as punishments for sodomy in The Royal Navy

Woman singing in holiday market a complete twat judges local man

karte-1-28
Gran Canaria, the paradise isle where the alleged twattery took place

A 42-year-old Whitechapel man last week made a snap judgement that a woman in her 30s that he spotted singing along to a contemporary pop song in a market on the holiday isle of Gran Canaria was highly likely to be, ‘a complete twat’ in her private life.

Toby Dell, from Vallance Road, told us: “As soon as I spotted this dozy bint, singing along to the hit, I realised that the chances of her being a weapons-grade irritant and a complete twat were a nailed-on certainty.

“I was sorely tempted to tell her to belt up and to stop acting the giddy arseole, but I had the wife and kids with me”

Dell’s outburst comes just a week after a woman from neighbouring Shoreditch told newsmen, that in her opinion, a middle-aged woman whom she had seen gyrating slowly to a Spanish pop song in a Pingo Doce supermarket in Albufeira in Portugal was ‘a fucking silly bitch’

Entire staff and pupils of local school have seen each other’s genitals online

It was revealed yesterday, that all the staff and pupils at a secondary school in East London have at one time seen each other’s genitalia on various social media platforms such as Snapchat and WhatsApp.

The school newspaper, The Whitechapel Academy Bugle, made the findings after an intensive survey carried out over 12 weeks.

The paper’s editor-in-chief, Toby Dell, 16, revealed: ‘It’s absolutely normal for kids to post pics of their cocks and growlers online these days and for them to be passed around the school, but we were a bit surprised to find the staff were at it too.

“In fact, some of the younger staff members were in pretty decent nick it has to be said.

“Miss Wickstead, the PE mistress had a cracking set of bangers on her, as did, Mrs Parkes, the art teacher, although, to be honest, she could do with trimming that quim a tad.”

The Headteacher, Terence Carter, 63, has now resigned his post after being subjected to online bullying from a number of parents who were less than impressed by the size of his cock.

Slow-walking woman in supermarket a real piece of crap: Local man’s snap judgement

Image result for lidl
A supermarket, clearly not in inner-city London pictured last night

A woman who walked slowly in front of a 42-year-old Whitechapel man in his local supermarket was a real piece of crap according to a snap judgement he made at the time

Toby Dell from Commercial Street, told us last night: “This woman entered the store at the same time as me and I realised at once she was going to be a real problem.

“She began walking slowly in front of me with her trolley angled so that I couldn’t get past.

“When she finally stopped to choose some loose bananas, I managed to squeeze past, only to find this bitch had once again overtaken me while I was putting some Greek yoghurt and cottage cheese in my trolley at the cold section

The piece of human garbage then started crawling along at a snail’s pace in front of me once again, occasionally stopping to faff about endlessly while choosing an item from the shelves.

“It was at this point that I judged her to be a real piece of crap and somebody I would cheerfully empty a revolver into if I knew I wouldn’t go to jail for it”

Mr Dell’s assessment comes just two weeks after a 50-year-old woman from Shadwell told us, that, in her view, a man who held her up in the newsagent by counting out his small change on the counter was “a fucking arseole that should have been drowned in a bucket at birth”

LOCAL NEWS

whelk fp brexit homes

Each 6′ x 6′ room comes with its own naked lightbulb and fitted gruel cupboard –London District of Whitechapel

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑