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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

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Boris butchered and ate Number 10 cat says Downing Street insider

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Minced Moggie? Larry pictured during happier times before he was killed and eaten by the PM

A senior civil servant and government advisor at the Cabinet Office last night told The Whelk that he believes that Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, killed the popular Downing Street cat, Larry, and later ate the creature in his bedroom during a ‘midnight feast’

Sir Tobias Dell CBE, told us: “The PM has never been a cat lover apparently, and I often used to catch him giving Larry the odd kick in the hallway whenever it came up to greet him after he’d arrived home.

“A few nights back, I heard a loud commotion coming from the kitchen area and upon entering, saw the PM holding a butcher’s cleaver.

“He was sweating profusely and had blood spatter on his shirt and tie.

“He looked pretty sheepish and muttered something about making himself a steak tartar sandwich before hurrying off up to his room.

“After he’d gone, I examined the chopping board and found tufts of what appeared to be cat fur and a number of whiskers.

“Since that evening, I have seen no sign of Larry, and I’m fairly certain that the Prime Minister ate the creature’s remains raw in his bedroom around midnight that night.”

This latest revelation evokes grim memories of the dietary antics of the late 18th century Prime Minister, William Pitt The Younger, who would often stalk squirrels in the garden at the rear of Downing Street where he would tear the hapless creatures apart with his bare hands and wolf them down behind the gardener’s tool shed, often washing them down with 5 or 6 quart bottles of Ind Coope Best Bitter.

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I blew my kids’ inheritance on fancy shaving products says local woman

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Taylor’s. Just one of the exclusive gentleman’s grooming outlets that Mrs Dell has blown her kids’ money in.

 

A 54-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she has squandered her entire life savings of 53 thousand pounds on various shaving products, including; post-shave oil; scented shaving soaps and creams; aftershave balms; and various razors; from ivory-handled cut-throat style, to mahogany safety razors, all purchased from top-of-the-range stores like Taylor of Old Bond Street, Truefitt and Hill of Mayfair and Sweyn Forkbeard of Camden.

Tracy Dell, a doctors receptionist and married mother of 6, told us: “I began shaving my face when I was around 9-years-old and have always loved the fresh tang that follows a really close shave with a straight razor, or even a double edge safety razor when I’m pressed for time.

“I usually take around half an hour to complete a good close shave, from building a rich lather using a top-quality tallow-based soap in a scuttle, to the final close pass of the blade, going against the grain of my beard growth.

“I tried growing a beard once but I hated it. My face felt dirty and itchy and my husband complained of soreness around his inner thighs after oral sex.

“The fact that I’ve blown the kids’ inheritance on shaving gear doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

“I’m a firm believer that they need to stand on their own two feet and work hard to buy their own damn shaving gear, especially the two girls”

Mrs Dell has requested that her fee for this interview is transferred directly into her bank so that she can blow it on a late 19th-century, bone-handled, 5/8″ Sheffield steel, cut-throat razor and leather strop that she’s spotted in an antique store in St Pancras.

Boris Calls For Return of Public Hanging

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“Hang some sense into ’em!” Boris pictured campaigning in Surrey last night

In what is being seen as a bid to upstage his fellow prime ministerial hopeful, Jeremy Hunt, Boris Johnson yesterday told a local Conservative Party association that one of the first things he would do as PM would be to reintroduce public hanging.

Speaking in Dorking in Surrey, Johnson told members: “Public hanging is part of our urban culture and heritage and the sooner it’s back on the statute books the better.

“I would move to have the initial hangings carried out outside The Old Bailey, like they used to be in the good old days, with a view to building a public gallows in every major city in the land.

“Revenue would be raised by selling tickets to these events with special discounts for those in the upper tax brackets”

Hunt, who yesterday said he would move to bring back foxhunting, responded by vowing to implement a return to sending little boys up chimneys and to reintroduce keelhauling and the lash as punishments for sodomy in The Royal Navy

Woman singing in holiday market a complete twat judges local man

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Gran Canaria, the paradise isle where the alleged twattery took place

A 42-year-old Whitechapel man last week made a snap judgement that a woman in her 30s that he spotted singing along to a contemporary pop song in a market on the holiday isle of Gran Canaria was highly likely to be, ‘a complete twat’ in her private life.

Toby Dell, from Vallance Road, told us: “As soon as I spotted this dozy bint, singing along to the hit, I realised that the chances of her being a weapons-grade irritant and a complete twat were a nailed-on certainty.

“I was sorely tempted to tell her to belt up and to stop acting the giddy arseole, but I had the wife and kids with me”

Dell’s outburst comes just a week after a woman from neighbouring Shoreditch told newsmen, that in her opinion, a middle-aged woman whom she had seen gyrating slowly to a Spanish pop song in a Pingo Doce supermarket in Albufeira in Portugal was ‘a fucking silly bitch’

Entire staff and pupils of local school have seen each other’s genitals online

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Staff and pupils at Whitechapel Academy pictured with their underpants on, although we can’t vouch for those at the back.

It was revealed yesterday, that all the staff and pupils at a secondary school in East London have at one time seen each other’s genitalia on various social media platforms such as Snapchat and WhatsApp.

The school newspaper, The Whitechapel Academy Bugle, made the findings after an intensive survey carried out over 12 weeks.

The paper’s editor-in-chief, Toby Dell, 16, revealed: ‘It’s absolutely normal for kids to post pics of their cocks and growlers online these days and for them to be passed around the school, but we were a bit surprised to find the staff were at it too.

“In fact, some of the younger staff members were in pretty decent nick it has to be said.

“Miss Wickstead, the PE mistress had a cracking set of bangers on her, as did, Mrs Parkes, the art teacher, although, to be honest, she could do with trimming that quim a tad.”

The Headteacher, Terence Carter, 63, has now resigned his post after being subjected to online bullying from a number of parents who were less than impressed by the size of his cock.

Slow-walking woman in supermarket a real piece of crap: Local man’s snap judgement

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A supermarket, clearly not in inner-city London pictured last night

A woman who walked slowly in front of a 42-year-old Whitechapel man in his local supermarket was a real piece of crap according to a snap judgement he made at the time

Toby Dell from Commercial Street, told us last night: “This woman entered the store at the same time as me and I realised at once she was going to be a real problem.

“She began walking slowly in front of me with her trolley angled so that I couldn’t get past.

“When she finally stopped to choose some loose bananas, I managed to squeeze past, only to find this bitch had once again overtaken me while I was putting some Greek yoghurt and cottage cheese in my trolley at the cold section

The piece of human garbage then started crawling along at a snail’s pace in front of me once again, occasionally stopping to faff about endlessly while choosing an item from the shelves.

“It was at this point that I judged her to be a real piece of crap and somebody I would cheerfully empty a revolver into if I knew I wouldn’t go to jail for it”

Mr Dell’s assessment comes just two weeks after a 50-year-old woman from Shadwell told us, that, in her view, a man who held her up in the newsagent by counting out his small change on the counter was “a fucking arseole that should have been drowned in a bucket at birth”

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Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

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Dear Danny

I’m a 19-year-old single mum of 2 living on benefits in Stepney.
Last week, I ordered one of those battery-powered strip lights to use in the kitchen so that I could save on the electric bill.
However, it uses up the batteries so fast that it’s even more expensive than an electric one.
I took it back to the shop but the man I bought it from wouldn’t give me a refund. He just said I should have realised that the batteries would run out quick and that it was tough shit
Please help if you can Danny as it’s such a struggle to get by with two little ones and I just can’t afford to throw money away like this. xxx

Tracy Dell
22 Lee Street
Stepney E2

Dear Tracy

I went round to the shop and knocked the geezer spark out with a blinding shot to the chin.
I then went in with the boot, rupturing his spleen and breaking a few ribs while I was about it
The mug then tries to get up off the deck, so I waited until he got up on one knee before pulling my razor and giving him a striping across his boat race.
He went down again due to blood loss so I stamped on his nut, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.
At this point, his bird came steaming out from the back of the shop, crying and begging me to leave it out.
I felt sorry for the kid so I robbed the till and left.
I’m sending you 500 sovs of the takings to treat yourself and the saucepan lids to a day out in Southend. The sea air and some currant bun will set you up a treat, my lovely.
All the very best, princess
Your Pal
Danny

Danny Sparko is Acting Chairperson of The Fractured Eye Socket & Permanent Kidney Damage Association

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