Boost Your Bowel: A Whelk Gut Health Guide

We’ve all experienced that dismal bloated feeling following a heavy meal, often accompanied by abdominal discomfort, reflux, or even loud and socially devastating flatulence.

Now you can banish this digestive disorder from your life forever by simply cutting the pointy end off of a banana and swallowing it, point first, prior to tucking into a sumptuous meal of your choice.

You will find that the torpedo shape of the fruit portion will act as a guide for the food that follows it along the alimentary canal on its journey to the arse, culminating in a satisfying splashdown in the toilet bowl.

When following this process, always avoid swallowing the banana segment with the point upwards as this will lead to a blockage and a back-up of excrement that could result in faecal vomiting at an inopportune moment such as during a job interview or when sharing a first kiss with a new partner.

Also, when peeling the banana, always start by pulling the stalk upwards sharply to break the tough bit at the top before peeling downwards.

So that’s upwards and then down.

NEXT WEEK: How a naval orange pushed firmly into the rectum can eliminate the misery of embarrassing itching.

This piece was written in conjunction with guidance from The Sure As Shit Advisory Council

PUBLICATION

EDITOR’S NOTE. If you or a family member have a drink problem, put a stop to it at once by sending all your surplus income to us here at The Whitechapel Whelk. Our caring editorial team will ensure that it is spent on the finest grog available to humanity.

Local man who angrily tugged dressing gown cord from boxers hospitalised

Mr Dell pictured behind a screen to muffle his sobs in the Royal London Hospital last night

A 45-year-old man who furiously yanked on his dressing gown cord after it became trapped in his boxer shorts has been admitted to hospital with severe injuries, including a torn scrotal sac and testicular trauma.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Dock Street, told us: “I was wearing just my dressing gown and boxers when the cord got trapped inside my boxers after I’d been to the toilet and had hurriedly pulled them up.

“After fumbling around for a bit, trying to find the other end of the cord I realised the problem and yanked angrily on the trapped section to free it.

“The pain I felt at that point was off the scale and worse than anything I had ever experienced before.

“It felt like somebody was slicing into my nadgers with white-hot cheese wire.

“I sank to my knees and curled up in the foetal position. I don’t mind admitting, I was crying at this point.

“I somehow managed to call the ambulance boys but it wasn’t easy with all those tears in my eyes”

Mr Dell then confided that he had injured his genitalia before in 1982 when he trapped his foreskin in his trouser zip after being disturbed in his girlfriend’s bedroom by her mother carrying mugs of tea and a plate of biscuits.

Local man visibly slavers during machine gun fantasy about noisy supermarket family

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man found himself salivating during a trip to his local Lidl supermarket as he fantasised about scything down a noisy family in the shop with an old fashioned Tommy Gun.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, had to wipe flecks of drool from his chin as he mentally pumped the family of four with bullets during a sustained burst of gunfire.

Speaking to The Whelk, Mr Dell said: “This family had been annoying me from the moment I entered the shop

“The mother had a voice like a foghorn, the father wasn’t much better and the kids were screaming and shouting and running amok in the aisles.

“I just couldn’t seem to shake them off. Every aisle I visited they were there.

These people are the scum of the earth and deserve to die like the lowlife feral garbage that they truly are.

“When I got to the checkout there they were in front of me. The woman was arguing with the girl on the till and the husband was bawling at the screaming kids.

“It was then that I mentally sprayed them with a burst from a Tommy Gun, similar to the ones used by American mobsters in the old gangster flicks.

“I really gave it to them. I swung my weapon from side to side, hosing them down like dogs before standing over their twitching bodies, kicking each one in the head to make sure they were dead.

“I relished the fantasy so much I had to pull out a tissue to mop up the drool from my chin.

“I don’t think this makes me a bad person. Everybody has a breaking point for God’s sake.”

Last September, a man from neighbouring Stepney, told a local newspaper that he’d experienced a sensation almost on a par with a sexual climax as he fantasised about hacking at a woman with an ice pick after she’d parked too close to his car in a Waitrose car park.

BREAKING: Amazon rain forest to be replanted on Olly Murs’ big face

The fire-ravaged Amazon rain forest is to be replanted on the enormous face of British pop icon, Olly Murs, it was announced last night.

A spokesman for the Brazilian government told a news conference in the capital, Brazilia: “We’ve decided to leave the present rain forest to burn and plant a new one on Olly Murs’s big face.

“We’ve spoken to Olly and he’s agreed to lie down alongside the old rain forest while a team of tree-planters move in and plant millions of saplings on his face.

“We estimate that by 2040, we’ll have at least three million square kilometres of new trees on his massive forehead with another two million or so on his chin.

“We’re going to leave the area around his eyebrows and that bit under his nose so that monkeys don’t cause him discomfort by having a shit in his eyes and mouth”

If successful, this project will rank as the most ambitious ecological rescue act since The Great Barrier Reef was protected from further pollution damage in 2012 by being completely covered with a pair of Simon Cowell’s gigantic, high-waisted trousers.

Whitechapel Funerals Present: The Undignitarse, Buttock Display Coffin of Hope

We at The Whitechapel Funeral Parlour are delighted to give you this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your arse on display to all and sundry after your death.

 
The Undignitarse Peek-A-Boo Buttock Display Coffin of Hope is a lovingly crafted and uniquely designed coffin that will ensure that grieving friends and relatives will be afforded a first-class view of your arse before you are taken to your final resting place.

 
Each coffin is fitted with a viewing aperture, which can be pre-ordered by you, or requested by your family, so that even the biggest arse can be fully displayed.

 
We even offer a full complimentary arse-shaving and tag nut removal service to ensure that your arse looks absolutely pristine and is free of unsightly ‘cling-ons’ when it is put on public display.

 
Retailing at just £3567.89, The Undignitarse is unbeatable value for the terminally ill and suicidal alike; or even for the forward-thinking individual who just want to make sure their loved ones and acquaintances can have a really good look at their arse before they are either laid to rest or put into an incinerator.

 
Here’s a testimonial from just one of our satisfied mourners:

 
‘My wife had an absolutely massive arse, so I wasn’t sure that The Undignitarse was for me. But, thanks to the skilled craftsmen at The Whitechapel Funeral Parlour who put a 3-foot square window in her coffin, the entire family was able to have a really good look at both of her gigantic cheeks before she was buried. Thanks, Whitechapel Funeral Parlour!’ – Toby Dell, Cripplegate, East London.

 
Order your Undignitarse today and get a free brochure detailing our wide range of revealing caskets; including the iconic ‘Cock Flasher’, and for the ladies, the ever-popular ‘Flange Mate’

Boris butchered and ate Number 10 cat says Downing Street insider

Minced Moggie? Larry pictured during happier times before he was killed and eaten by the PM

A senior civil servant and government advisor at the Cabinet Office last night told The Whelk that he believes that Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, killed the popular Downing Street cat, Larry, and later ate the creature in his bedroom during a ‘midnight feast’

Sir Tobias Dell CBE, told us: “The PM has never been a cat lover apparently, and I often used to catch him giving Larry the odd kick in the hallway whenever it came up to greet him after he’d arrived home.

“A few nights back, I heard a loud commotion coming from the kitchen area and upon entering, saw the PM holding a butcher’s cleaver.

“He was sweating profusely and had blood spatter on his shirt and tie.

“He looked pretty sheepish and muttered something about making himself a steak tartar sandwich before hurrying off up to his room.

“After he’d gone, I examined the chopping board and found tufts of what appeared to be cat fur and a number of whiskers.

“Since that evening, I have seen no sign of Larry, and I’m fairly certain that the Prime Minister ate the creature’s remains raw in his bedroom around midnight that night.”

This latest revelation evokes grim memories of the dietary antics of the late 18th century Prime Minister, William Pitt The Younger, who would often stalk squirrels in the garden at the rear of Downing Street where he would tear the hapless creatures apart with his bare hands and wolf them down behind the gardener’s tool shed, often washing them down with 5 or 6 quart bottles of Ind Coope Best Bitter.

I blew my kids’ inheritance on fancy shaving products says local woman

Taylor’s. Just one of the exclusive gentleman’s grooming outlets that Mrs Dell has blown her kids’ money in.

 

A 54-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she has squandered her entire life savings of 53 thousand pounds on various shaving products, including; post-shave oil; scented shaving soaps and creams; aftershave balms; and various razors; from ivory-handled cut-throat style, to mahogany safety razors, all purchased from top-of-the-range stores like Taylor of Old Bond Street, Truefitt and Hill of Mayfair and Sweyn Forkbeard of Camden.

Tracy Dell, a doctors receptionist and married mother of 6, told us: “I began shaving my face when I was around 9-years-old and have always loved the fresh tang that follows a really close shave with a straight razor, or even a double edge safety razor when I’m pressed for time.

“I usually take around half an hour to complete a good close shave, from building a rich lather using a top-quality tallow-based soap in a scuttle, to the final close pass of the blade, going against the grain of my beard growth.

“I tried growing a beard once but I hated it. My face felt dirty and itchy and my husband complained of soreness around his inner thighs after oral sex.

“The fact that I’ve blown the kids’ inheritance on shaving gear doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

“I’m a firm believer that they need to stand on their own two feet and work hard to buy their own damn shaving gear, especially the two girls”

Mrs Dell has requested that her fee for this interview is transferred directly into her bank so that she can blow it on a late 19th-century, bone-handled, 5/8″ Sheffield steel, cut-throat razor and leather strop that she’s spotted in an antique store in St Pancras.

Boris Calls For Return of Public Hanging

“Hang some sense into ’em!” Boris pictured campaigning in Surrey last night

In what is being seen as a bid to upstage his fellow prime ministerial hopeful, Jeremy Hunt, Boris Johnson yesterday told a local Conservative Party association that one of the first things he would do as PM would be to reintroduce public hanging.

Speaking in Dorking in Surrey, Johnson told members: “Public hanging is part of our urban culture and heritage and the sooner it’s back on the statute books the better.

“I would move to have the initial hangings carried out outside The Old Bailey, like they used to be in the good old days, with a view to building a public gallows in every major city in the land.

“Revenue would be raised by selling tickets to these events with special discounts for those in the upper tax brackets”

Hunt, who yesterday said he would move to bring back foxhunting, responded by vowing to implement a return to sending little boys up chimneys and to reintroduce keelhauling and the lash as punishments for sodomy in The Royal Navy