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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

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Entire staff and pupils of local school have seen each other’s genitals online

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Staff and pupils at Whitechapel Academy pictured with their underpants on, although we can’t vouch for those at the back.

It was revealed yesterday, that all the staff and pupils at a secondary school in East London have at one time seen each other’s genitalia on various social media platforms such as Snapchat and WhatsApp.

The school newspaper, The Whitechapel Academy Bugle, made the findings after an intensive survey carried out over 12 weeks.

The paper’s editor-in-chief, Toby Dell, 16, revealed: ‘It’s absolutely normal for kids to post pics of their cocks and growlers online these days and for them to be passed around the school, but we were a bit surprised to find the staff were at it too.

“In fact, some of the younger staff members were in pretty decent nick it has to be said.

“Miss Wickstead, the PE mistress had a cracking set of bangers on her, as did, Mrs Parkes, the art teacher, although, to be honest, she could do with trimming that quim a tad.”

The Headteacher, Terence Carter, 63, has now resigned his post after being subjected to online bullying from a number of parents who were less than impressed by the size of his cock.

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You’ve been a wonderful audience. Try the veal. -Ed

Local man realises he has what it takes to slay unruly child pushing junior supermarket trolley

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A 47-year-old Whitechapel man last night told us that a 7-year-old child who was running around a local supermarket with one of the small trolleys made available by the store for youngsters, deserved to die and that he was just the man to get the job done.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer spoke to The Whelk from his home in Vallance Road: “This kid was racing up and down the aisles with this miniature trolley like an absolute bastard.

“He narrowly missed colliding with my own trolley on a couple of occasions and almost ran over my foot as I was heading for the checkout.

“It was at this point that I realised that he deserved to die and that I would be more than happy to get the job squared away myself.

“It’s not that often that I feel murderous intent towards kids, but I swear to God I would have pulled a gun and blasted this piece of crap to absolute fuck if I’d thought I would get away with it”

The manager of the Lidl store in question told us last night: “I can understand where Mr Dell is coming from on this one.

“I’ve never been keen on the idea of junior trolleys and knew all along that it would induce murderous hatred in some of our customers.

“I’ve even felt like smashing one or two of the little scumbags over the head with a hammer myself”

If you’ve ever felt like bludgeoning a small child to death in a supermarket we don’t blame you one iota -Ed.

Parliament seizes control of Michael Caine

michael caine pie n mash
Caine pictured in combative mood last night

 

In an unprecedented move, Parliament last night voted to take control of veteran British actor, Michael Caine and has now occupied his swish home in Beverly Hills

Caine, 108, told newsmen last night: “I got up this morning and went downstairs to make a brew as usual, only to find Anna Soubry, Hilary Benn and Angela Eagle, sprawled out on the sofa reading the papers.

“I asked them what they were playing at only be told to “fuck off out of it” by Mr Benn.

“I wouldn’t mind, but when I went to have my morning slash in the downstairs bog, I found that Speaker of The House, John Bercow, was in there having a shit and I had to get in the stairlift and use the one upstairs”

It is believed that Parliament will later stage a series of votes on Caine’s future film roles, including whether to allow him to play any more fired-up old geezers who decide to shoot all the drug dealers on his council estate because they killed one of his juicehead mates.

This move mirrors an earlier parliamentary decision to seize control of Bond actor, Piers Brosnan, that was subsequently abandoned when he began singing a medley of tunes from Mama Mia.

Screwing up Brexit has turned Theresa into an insatiable sex beast says Philip May

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Not now darling. Mr May rebuffs his wife’s advances as she tries to pull his cock out at the Conservative Party Conference at Blackpool last year

The husband of Prime Minister, Theresa May, has revealed that being constantly thwarted in her bids to deliver Brexit on time has turned his wife into a tigress between the sheets.

Wealthy businessman, Philip May, told a magazine: “Ever since she started getting her plans for a smooth exit from the EU knocked back in Parliament, she’s been demanding sex constantly.

“It’s been pretty exhausting, to be honest. I’ve now taken to going out to the shed to mess with my ham radio equipment if I hear on the news that she’s had another one of her deals binned in The Commons.

“Even that doesn’t always work. The night she found she was going to have to extend Article 50 until April, she came out to the shed in a French maid’s outfit and booted the door down before demanding a back scuttling.

“It’s been totally relentless. I made the mistake of going with her when her first Meaningful Vote suffered a record defeat and she tried to nosh me off in the back of the limo on the way home.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m a normal red-blooded male who enjoys a bunk-up as much as the next bloke, but I won’t be sorry when she gets booted out of office and we can go back to a Saturday night missionary shag after a curry and a few ales”

Mr May’s revelation comes just two weeks after Jacob Rees-Mogg’s wife complained to friends that he was “wanking himself dry” morning, noon and night since his ERG group of hard Brexiters failed to oust Mrs May in a coup in October of last year.

God blocks Facebook with ‘Great Flood’ of dinner pics

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Oi, Facebookers!…NO! God pictured looking mightily pissed off last night

Social media giant, Facebook, last night confirmed that the global outage which rendered billions unable to access their timelines yesterday was caused by a torrent of pictures of people’s dinners posted by God to punish the platform for all the sinful content that has been allowed to flourish on the site in recent years.

Facebook troubleshooter, Toby Dell, 32, told newsmen last night: “The hand of God is definitely behind this one.

“One of our leading IT bods, who’s a regular churchgoer, told me that The Lord had clogged up the cyber tubes with dinner pics as a punishment for all the dodgy political content and softcore grumble pics of nude birds that have been appearing over the last year or two.

“He likens it to The Great Flood that The Lord visited upon earth in the olden days to wipe out the sinners

“We’ve poured hundreds of tons of drain cleaner into our systems in the hopes of unblocking the site in a day or two but we’re not promising anything”

Rival social media platforms are experiencing greatly increased traffic, however, with Twitter and Reddit reporting record usage, while the struggling Google + site announced that somebody had logged in around tea time yesterday and posted a picture of their nan and grandad getting married in Barnstable just after the war.

EDITOR’S NOTE: On the off-chance that anybody’s foolish enough to want to share this piece, could I ask you to refrain until after 10.00 am GMT? This is because it has been subbed to another magazine who give us cash money and whose editor gets royally pissed off if he doesn’t get exclusivity. Not as pissed off as God, but not far off. Thanks guys.

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The Whitechapel Whelk would like to point out that we do not endorse the killing and consumption of heads of state of any country,

However, if the American public ever feel inclined to make a few thousand Trump Burgers at some point, then far be it from us to stand in the way of the will of the people – Ed

BREAKING

trump fp

Here at Whelk Towers, we often marvel at the fact that there is still a single, solitary American soul left cheerleading for this joker. What more in the way of acts of utter chicanery does he have to commit before people begin to realise that he’s just a mobster with an orange wig, a low IQ, and excellent genes? – Ed

Prince Philip crashes into Arbroath

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The picturesque fishing port of Arbroath pictured just hours before Prince Philip crashed into it

There were fresh calls for The Duke of Edinburgh to be taken off of Britain’s roads last night as reports emerged that the 97-year-old had crashed his new Landrover Discovery into the Scottish town of Arbroath, causing thousands of pounds of damage to property and sinking a scallop fishing trawler in the harbour.

The Duke had apparently given royal protection officers the slip at The Queen’s Sandringham estate and had taken to the road at around midday on Tuesday, just days after his collision with another vehicle had injured 2 women.

Eyewitnesses said he crashed into the small fishing port at around 7.00 pm, hitting a public house, the local swimming baths and a number of residential homes before rolling the vehicle onto its roof on the deck of a fishing boat that was at the quayside unloading a cargo of scallops, causing it to sink to the bottom of the harbour.

The skipper of the vessel, Michael “Bucky” Doyle, 87, told newsmen: “He was quite apologetic when he climbed out of the motor.

“He asked me if I was alright and then offered me a fiver to keep my mouth shut.

“He told me he was momentarily blinded by the low sun, but I don’t see how that could be the case as it had gone down about 2 hours beforehand.

“He then said he was off to the pub and asked me to ring The Queen and tell her to pick him up.

“When I got through, The Queen was pretty angry and called him, a f*****g senile c**t.

“She arrived just before midnight and stormed into the pub with a face like thunder.

“The landlord told me that she tipped his pint over his head and started hitting him across the back with a horsewhip. She then tipped his fish supper into his lap before dragging him out to the motor”

Before last night’s dramatic events, Arbroath’s only previous claim to fame was the fact that it has more impotent males per square mile than any other place on earth.

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