Under the new proposal, tobacco companies will be required by law to fit each packet with a powerful boxing glove on a spring which will be triggered as soon as the smoker raises the lid. They will then be punched in the face with considerable force as a recorded message shouts the warning “Oi smoker! NO!”
Trials have already been carried out in parts of London and initial results seem to be encouraging.
Toby Dell, 37, a furniture porter from Spitalfields and a 60 a day smoker, was one of those who underwent the trial and reported a subsequent dramatic fall in his habit.
“It’s been absolutely amazing,” he told reporters “I’ve gone from 60 odd gaspers a day down to 5 or 6 and it’s all down to these new packets. I mean to say, once you’ve been knocked unconscious by a boxing glove on a spring the craving simply disappears.
“Then, of course, there’s all the time you spend in the non-smoking environment of a hospital having stitches put in your face or undergoing brain scans.
“No, I’m all for it to be honest, and the sooner more of Britain’s smokers are lying stretched out in the street suffering from concussion the better, as far as I’m concerned”.
A Department Of Health spokesperson told The Whitechapel Whelk last night: “Of course it’s very early days yet, but if the results of this initiative are encouraging we intend to press on and implement a follow-up plan which will see smokers confronted outside shops and supermarkets by specially trained government heavies who will attack them with knives”
This latest announcement comes just days after Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, outlined a proposal to have drinkers shot by British army snipers as they come out of the pub or an off-licence.
February 15, 2017 at 7:12 am
This is also quite handy for starting fights – why go to the effort of actually punching someone when you can just offer them a fag? For once, I’m with the government on this one.
LikeLiked by 2 people
February 15, 2017 at 3:14 pm
Tip for the day
Never offer anyone a fag in America. Very little good will come of it, trust me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 15, 2017 at 3:18 pm
I actually did that in Nashville a couple of years ago. Didn’t go down well.
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 15, 2017 at 3:33 pm
No, I don’t suppose it did. Them good ole boys don’t take too kindly to us limey’s fancy talking ’bout goddamn homos and suchlike. It messes with their digestin’ them thar hominy grits and puts ’em off watching NASCAW on Fox Sports 😦
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 15, 2017 at 4:36 pm
Yeah. The bastards. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 15, 2017 at 12:53 pm
I think they should add: “Nyuk, Nyuk Nyuk” to the recorded message.
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 15, 2017 at 3:13 pm
You’re an extremely cruel man Dan, but you’re scrupulously fair. I’ve always said that!
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 15, 2017 at 5:57 pm
A punch in the face without a Three Stooges sound just isn’t the same.
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 15, 2017 at 2:22 pm
This is just another example of the creeping socialism that’s devouring Europe. Here in the good ole United States of America, we don’t ask government to mandate what we can do for ourselves. Here there is no shortage of volunteers who would be pleased to punch smokers in the nose. Hell, we even punch non-smokers just to show that we don’t discriminate
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 15, 2017 at 3:17 pm
So we’re talking about a kind of equal opportunities brutality. With fat lips and busted noses for all.
Yep, I like it!
LikeLiked by 1 person