“Sod this covid malarkey, old girl. Orf we jolly well go”

In the style of the recent practice of applauding health workers in a number of world cities, the entire nation is expected to rise as one tomorrow night at 20.00 to pay tribute to the decision of Prince Charles and his wife, Camilla Parker-Bowles to move up to the Scottish retreat of Balmoral during the current health emergency.

A grateful nation will clap, cheer, and rattle pots and pans at their doors and windows in a heartfelt salute to the royal couple’s decision to lie low for a bit until the covid-19 pandemic is over.

The Whelk last night spoke to a local man who intends to give his wholehearted support to the initiative.

Toby Dell, a 54-year-old hospital porter, told us: “I’ll be in the middle of a 12-hour shift at the Royal London when the tribute is scheduled to be paid, but wild horses won’t be able to keep me from whooping and hollering from a window somewhere as a mark of respect for what Charles and Camilla are doing by putting themselves well out of harm’s way.

“My mum used to tell me that the Queen Mum walked through the bombed ruins of East London during the war in an act of solidarity with the people, but Chuck and Camilla’s decision to clear off up to Scotland to live in a castle until the coast’s clear pisses all over that”

In other news, Prince Andrew has revealed that he will shortly be flying off to the paradise island, formerly owned by the late convicted paedophile, Jeffrey Epstein, telling friends that he will spend his time avoiding the BBC’s Emily Maitlis and frequenting a bamboo-built pizzeria, staffed by underage girls.