A Whitechapel man was held by police outside a local branch of Lidl yesterday afternoon after the new broom that he’d placed in his trolley killed nine of his fellow shoppers and partially blinded two.
Toby Dell, 43, from Cable Street, wreaked havoc in the store as he swung his trolley from aisle to aisle in a series of tight turns, causing the broom’s handle to strike the unfortunate shoppers on the head, resulting in their deaths from head trauma, while gouging the eyes from two more.
An eye witness told newsmen last night: “He seemed totally unaware that he was killing people and lined up to pay for his shopping as if nothing had happened.
“He even had a laugh and a joke with the guy on the till when he couldn’t remember his PIN number”
A spokesman for Lidl said last night: “This is most regrettable. We had a similar problem at our branch in Shoreditch the other week when a woman killed five people with a pair of long-handled garden shears that were sticking out of the front of her trolley.”
Dell will appear at Horseferry Road magistrates court tomorrow charged with manslaughter, reckless endangerment and parking in a disabled bay
March 25, 2019 at 10:34 am
Is there no end to what a broom can do. BTO I once was nearly sacked from Woolies for nearly running an old dearie down with a stack of baskets on wheels that got away from me..
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 27, 2019 at 3:23 am
Yes, but there was no need to have 4 goes at it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 27, 2019 at 8:08 am
Exactly.
LikeLike
March 25, 2019 at 10:49 am
On the subway here in the Washington, DC area, it’s backpacks. You never know when someone is going to turn and hit you in the face with their backpack.
LikeLiked by 2 people
March 27, 2019 at 3:25 am
Here in central London we often have people jogging with backpacks. What’s that all about then? Is there a change of clothes in there or something?
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 27, 2019 at 11:31 am
It’s gotten so bad here that some women commute daily with A SUITCASE ON WHEELS. If that isn’t a sign you need to simplify your life, I don’t know what is…
LikeLike
March 25, 2019 at 1:07 pm
I once was stabbed in the arm with an umbrella on the monorail in Seattle – you can’t trust the public – keep a keen eye.
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 27, 2019 at 3:26 am
It’s a story as old as time itself mate
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 25, 2019 at 2:07 pm
A suit of armour would be a good idea 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 27, 2019 at 3:27 am
Keep my wife out of this. I know she’s not much to look at but she makes a very passable cottage pie.
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 26, 2019 at 9:23 am
One of several reasons I’d never be seen shopping at fucknut bazaars like Lidl and Aldi; too many nobbers about.
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 27, 2019 at 3:28 am
You don’t need to go shopping to find those, old son.
LikeLike
March 26, 2019 at 8:30 pm
A good lawyer will sweep the charges under the rug.
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 27, 2019 at 3:29 am
Yes indeed. No collusion!
LikeLiked by 1 person