The Whitechapel Whelk can exclusively reveal that Britain will rise in the sea and float away like a bobbing cork after all the immigrants are booted out of the country following our exit from The European Union.
This bleak news was revealed to us by our sports editor during an editorial meeting last night in The Blind Beggar public house.
He told us that, in his opinion, Great Britain will be at least one hundred imperial tons lighter after the Poles, the Romanians, and the blacks have all been rounded up and sent back home and that we will therefore float away.
“It stands to reason” he insisted. “When we’ve got shot of all the foreign fuckers, this country will be at the mercy of the tides and the prevailing winds. We could end up bumping up against Greenland if it’s a southerly breeze and then hundreds of Scots will be eaten by polar bears. If it’s a westerly that’s blowing, we’ll be pushed up against France and all the foreigners will flood back in again. A northerly will take us down to Africa where all the people in the London area will catch Ebola virus or get eaten by cannibals”
“The worst thing would be if the wind and tide takes us out to the east and we ended up bumping into New York. If it happens after November we could end up being ruled by Donald Trump, and he’d probably shoot us or build a big wall round us so we couldn’t see anything or go on holiday to Disneyland with the kids”
“The only thing that can save us is if we take all the fat American tourists prisoner and put them in a giant holding pen somewhere in the Midlands. That way, they will act as ballast and keep us from floating off”
Given this grim warning, our advice is to gain as much weight as possible between now and the day when we leave the European Union. It might also be advisable for all the women to get pregnant as the extra weight of their big bellies will help hold us down. Our home affairs correspondent has volunteered to help with this and has expressed a desire to get to work as soon as possible.
Editor’s Note: The Whitechapel Whelk takes no responsibility for its readers contracting Type 2 Diabetes or for giving birth to children with ginger hair.