According to a recent report, under-fire United States President, Donald Trump, may have consumed the equivalent of his entire body weight in bodily fluids that have been mixed into his food by irate kitchen staff at restaurants where the deeply unpopular president has dined since he entered The White House in January.
Fluids, including, saliva, sweat, diarrhoea, urine, and even semen are believed to have been added to his food by various waiters and cooks since Trump took office, particularly by those of Mexican, Middle Eastern and Korean extraction.
The report, issued last week by Boston University, publishes the findings of a survey conducted amongst various members of hotel staff who claimed to have contaminated the president’s meals with their bodily secretions.
These include a chef at the plush, Mar-A-Lago complex in Palm Beach, Florida, who claims that he urinated in Trump’s duck a l’orange, a waiter who masturbated into the mixture for his creme caramel, and a female cleaner who said she had wrung out the mop she had just used to swab a heavily-soiled toilet floor into Trump’s brown windsor soup.
Just hours after the report was published, Trump took to Twitter and appeared to laugh off the findings “The failing Boston University are claiming that I have inadvertently consumed urine. That’s a bigly lie my friends. Donald J Trump has never done anything like that without paying for it first”
These latest findings come just a week after British Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, was accused by Prime Minister, Theresa May, of spitting into her mashed potatoes as they queued for their dinners in The House of Commons canteen last Wednesday afternoon.
May 11, 2017 at 7:08 am
Good to see you back – although this nearly made me wretch into my cornflakes, so thanks for that! Good hols?
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May 11, 2017 at 9:03 am
Cheers Midders! Always a pleasure to upset your gastronomical equilibrium in the morning π
Very nice hols indeed, thanks for asking. Although there was a little unpleasantness between, Mrs Bastard, the office cat and a British Airways stewardess. I blame the sangria and the hot Iberian sun to be honest. It goes straight to his loins π¦
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May 11, 2017 at 12:38 pm
A bigly welcome back. I sent you something…;)
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May 11, 2017 at 1:37 pm
Thanks Jifster! It’s not a straw donkey is it? Only we’ve got two in the office already π
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May 13, 2017 at 1:33 pm
You’re so ungrateful, Whelkie!
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May 11, 2017 at 12:45 pm
Welcome back. I hope the cats didn’t set the place on fire. Bigly lies, but, in an unrelated move, he’s switching to a diet of clear both and Saltines
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May 11, 2017 at 1:39 pm
Thanks Dan! Good to be back old boy! Did you mean “broth and Sardines”?
Food of the gods mate π
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May 11, 2017 at 5:23 pm
Ha ha – ironically, I could see him settling into that. I think hos favorite food is a hamburger.
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May 11, 2017 at 2:38 pm
Captioned picture is perfect!
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May 11, 2017 at 4:02 pm
Thanks, Mid! Sean Spicer sent it to us only last week π
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May 11, 2017 at 3:26 pm
This leaves me speechless!
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May 11, 2017 at 4:04 pm
Then you can only imagine how The Donald felt when he read the report! π¦
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May 11, 2017 at 3:44 pm
Thank goodness the Whelk real media reports the actual news. No hoaxes here! π
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May 11, 2017 at 4:05 pm
Our sources are unimpeachable MM. Unlike Mr Trump hopefully π
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May 11, 2017 at 4:29 pm
At last! A news source I can trust! π
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May 11, 2017 at 8:20 pm
Good to have you back! Now I can read real news, not fake news.
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May 12, 2017 at 4:40 am
Thanks Eths! If it ain’t in The Whelk, it ain’t kosher! Trust us on this one, mmkay? π
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May 16, 2017 at 9:57 am
The color of his hair indicates that he eats much too many carrots… π
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May 16, 2017 at 1:24 pm
I’ve never liked carrots. My mum used to eat them raw you know. It was the only thing I didn’t like about her.
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July 27, 2017 at 4:34 pm
So. It’s YOU. You’re the right b*st*rd that made him the selfish tw*t he is today. Thanks. I almost wish you we were still your colony so I could revolt all over again!!!
I’m going to buy a tea bag so I can throw it in Lake Michigan. Harrrummph!
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July 27, 2017 at 5:26 pm
Ok, but don’t forget to make sure that the lake is at a rolling boil and to put the milk and sugar in last! π
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