Social media giant, Facebook, last night confirmed that the global outage which rendered billions unable to access their timelines yesterday was caused by a torrent of pictures of people’s dinners posted by God to punish the platform for all the sinful content that has been allowed to flourish on the site in recent years.
Facebook troubleshooter, Toby Dell, 32, told newsmen last night: “The hand of God is definitely behind this one.
“One of our leading IT bods, who’s a regular churchgoer, told me that The Lord had clogged up the cyber tubes with dinner pics as a punishment for all the dodgy political content and softcore grumble pics of nude birds that have been appearing over the last year or two.
“He likens it to The Great Flood that The Lord visited upon earth in the olden days to wipe out the sinners
“We’ve poured hundreds of tons of drain cleaner into our systems in the hopes of unblocking the site in a day or two but we’re not promising anything”
Rival social media platforms are experiencing greatly increased traffic, however, with Twitter and Reddit reporting record usage, while the struggling Google + site announced that somebody had logged in around tea time yesterday and posted a picture of their nan and grandad getting married in Barnstable just after the war.
EDITOR’S NOTE: On the off-chance that anybody’s foolish enough to want to share this piece, could I ask you to refrain until after 10.00 am GMT? This is because it has been subbed to another magazine who give us cash money and whose editor gets royally pissed off if he doesn’t get exclusivity. Not as pissed off as God, but not far off. Thanks guys.
March 14, 2019 at 3:53 am
I’m going to fly directly in the face of your directive and share the fuck out of the piece on Facebook!…ah.
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March 14, 2019 at 3:58 am
Look just do us all a favour, Danny mate, and go to your room, ok?
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March 14, 2019 at 3:59 am
Righto! Can I take a bowl of Cheerios up with me and watch Bonanza?
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March 14, 2019 at 4:00 am
Chocolate Cheerios or regular?
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March 14, 2019 at 4:00 am
Choclit
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March 14, 2019 at 4:01 am
No
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March 14, 2019 at 4:01 am
Fuck!
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March 14, 2019 at 3:53 am
Reblogged this on SOZ SATIRE.
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March 14, 2019 at 7:04 am
Celebrities like God really have too much power over the media…
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March 14, 2019 at 9:10 am
Hell, so that was why I couldn’t get on messenger. Really God, go back to the bible and the Sistine ceiling.
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March 14, 2019 at 12:37 pm
I’m not so sure. Plastering has never been His strong point
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March 14, 2019 at 10:36 pm
Lol
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March 14, 2019 at 9:38 am
i think it was the leftovers that pushed them over the edge
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March 14, 2019 at 12:38 pm
It’s certainly food for thought.
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March 14, 2019 at 11:25 am
Does that Angel have her hand in God’s back, directing Him?
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March 14, 2019 at 12:39 pm
I’m rather afraid to ask tbh 🙂
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March 14, 2019 at 12:35 pm
This does not bode well for the upcoming (never-ending) election season here in the states.
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March 14, 2019 at 12:40 pm
God have mercy on you all if you elect that ocean-going ignoramus again. Surely that can’t happen?! 😦
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March 14, 2019 at 4:43 pm
Never underestimate the power of stupid people working together. All it will take is an independent candidate to enter the race on the wrong side.
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March 14, 2019 at 4:54 pm
Frightening.
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March 16, 2019 at 4:54 pm
I’d have like to have seen what he eats, bet it’s pie and mash with gravy or mash with sausage, veg and thick onion gravy. 😛
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March 17, 2019 at 7:37 am
If you mention gravy with P&M again…I KEEL YOU!
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